One Girl's Quest To Be Better At Life

So Little

2011-07-26T22:16:00.000-07:00

I have so little to say.

I mean, that's not true. If you've ever met me, you KNOW that's not true. I could talk to you for hours about nothing special.

But I feel like I'm all talked out. I have nothing more to say on the subject. I guess I could say that I feel helpless, out of control. Not in a good way, like things will just go as planned. But like, free falling, someone please show me which way is up kind of way.

There's so much I want to be different. So much change I long for.

And yet, when it really boils down to it, I resist change. Who am I kidding? I shove change away with two hands, feet if necessary. But why? It's all change for the better. Good change. Healthy change. Happy, desired, life improving change! Why am I so so resistant?

I used to openly hate change. I thought I learned to embrace it. Almost every change I've adopted in my life, willingly or not, has been for the exponentially better. So what the fricking heck is my problem?

I need to stop now. I'm just getting annoyed at me and that's not helping anything.

Good night, my much neglected blog.

Take A Breath

2011-04-18T18:43:00.000-07:00

In reviewing some past emails and blog entries I have come to the following conclusion: I am very skilled at using a WHOLE lot of words, to say nothing at all.

The How And The Why.

2011-01-26T17:49:00.000-08:00

Why is it that one person can say something to you, and although you know the words are kind and sweet and possibly even something many people wish someone would say to them ... instead it makes your skin crawl a little and you get inexplicably irritated and angry about it?

But no, even imagining someone you would want to say something like that saying it, it doesn't fit. Perhaps because the reason you're imagining that specific someone is exactly because they would probably never say something as sappy and irritating as that?

Why is it that paths never meet as you think they should? I firmly believe that I don't have the answers, that my ideas of what would or should be perfect are far from what may actually be so. I believe if things are supposed to happen, they will. But how is it that vision can be so clouded that you really believe it's supposed to be one way, even when it's clearly not going to be? What is that delusion that keeps you stuck there? It seems too dark to be hope.

Things are rarely easy, and that's okay with me. I'm not asking for easy. I'm just asking.

Blerg.

2010-12-08T22:13:00.000-08:00

Is it so wrong to just want to be rescued?

I'm feeling a little down lately. Nothing too dramatic I guess. We all go through ups and downs in life, I guess I'm just on a bit of a downswing lately.

I don't really like it though. I don't like snapping off the radio because all the stations are just playing peppy songs that are annoying me or searching for the one awesome, slightly depressing song that I just want to listen to over and over again.

I don't really have anything to say.

Blah.

Sigh.

2010-11-30T15:24:00.000-08:00

There's the boy I like, and the boy who likes me.

If only they were the same person.

It Bugs

2010-10-13T13:24:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure I totally know what's bugging me now.

The bad thing is, it's me. So I can't exactly get away from it.

The good thing is, it's me. So I can totally work on fixing it.

I'm annoyed at my own stupid self and my own stupid attitudes and my own stupid tendencies.

Like I said, the nice thing about that, is that I can change me. It's about the only thing I can change ... so I best get to it.

The Funk That I Am In

2010-10-10T14:12:00.003-07:00

I'm feeling this weird hostility toward going to work tomorrow. I can't figure out why exactly. I mean, I have some ideas, but even those don't really make a lot of sense.

If you break it down piece by piece, I love going to work. I love most of the people there, I love the work itself most of the time, I like the setting we're in, I like getting off work at a decent time. I even like the commute okay. But I'm just feeling this overall resentment toward it. It's not the specific person I have distaste for. I'm used to that and, although she's extra kinds of crazy lately, I don't let that keep me up at night.

It could be carryover feelings from my other job. I KNOW I'm feeling resentment toward that. I feel like I maybe want to quit, but maybe I'll take a leave of absence first. Some time away from it might help. I don't know if those feelings are just tainting the way I feel in general, or if there's really something specific out there that's bugging me.

Such a useless post. Not solving or furthering anything. I may delete it.

Spanky New!

2010-10-08T12:57:00.000-07:00

This is the first official update from my spanky new laptop! Woohoo!

I'm sitting in my peaceful preschool class, eight little angels sleeping on mats scattered around on the floor. Quiet piano music coming from the CD player, the sounds of the class next door fading as they head out to play in the gym; leaving behind only the sound of soft little snores and pages of textbooks turning as the teachers study.

This is a great time of day. Especially on this particular day. After a long morning of eight two-year-olds acting up, fighting, talking back and even swearing at you, it's nice to watch them slumber so peacefully and remember that they're just poor little babies, formed into their sometimes monstrous personalities partly by the circumstances and raising.

I truly truly love my job. As with any job, there are small things to complain about. Crazy coworkers, confusing personalities, the occasional 12 hour day and filthy children pawing at you. But those are really so minute compared with how much about it is amazing. Watching children grow and learn, seeing their faces light up when they finally accomplish something they've been trying over and over to do. Hearing from parents how much they've seen their child grow and change since they started coming to school, the sense of pride when you help a child do something in just the right way so that they actually understand and feel their own sense of pride about it too.

I'm so blessed to do this for a living. At this exact moment a year ago, I would never in a million years have guessed that this would be where I am now. I'm so thankful to my dear sweet friend for making it happen. I mean, she didn't do it on her own, I had to try to live up to her hype, but without her, it never would have happened. Thank you my sweet friend. I hope your week has been good. :)

Writing

2010-10-05T16:17:00.000-07:00

I should never have stopped writing. Churning out a paper or a blog entry used to be a breeze for me. Now it's such a struggle. My writing has become redundant and stagnant. There is no easy flow to the subject matter or continuity of theme. It's just a jumble of my stream of consciousness. Like my thoughts. I've been stuck in my own head for too long. I've been ruminating on my own selfish and obnoxious thoughts and the dead ends those all lead to.

Writing is an outlet. It's an exercise, stretching and strengthening the muscles of my brain that are supposedly good at this kind of thing. Even now, this stupid, meaningless blog entry is stilted and lacking. It's not coming naturally like it used to.

Like anything else, I guess it just requires exercise. So here is my first rep.

Love(ing) Life

2010-08-25T18:21:00.000-07:00

I love my job.

I love my new Gretta.

I love the kids I get to work with.

I love the people I get to work with. Even the odd ones ...

I love my commute - so much better with a carpool buddy, but not awful alone either.

I love my summer.

I love my family.

I love my friends.

I love the sun.

I love my life. :)

It's Always Too Long

2010-05-22T10:10:00.000-07:00

I never post blogs anymore. I'm sorry about that. I really enjoy blogging actually. I think the problem is just that I don't sit at a desk all day anymore. Well, that's no kind of problem, but still.

Basically things are really good. I love my job, I really like the people I work with on the whole, I'm really happy with the progress I'm making financially, I'm feeling pretty stable. Some things are still not quite as I'd like them to be, but it will come in time I'm sure.

That paragraph had a lot of "I" in it. That's something I'm trying to work on. I get so wrapped up in my own mind and my own inner workings that I sometimes lose sight of the world around me. I try not to, and am usually successful, but every once in a while I realize that I'm motoring a hundred miles a minute all about me. I need to think about and pray about other people, not just my own needs and situations.

Today I sat out and enjoyed the sunshine for a while. I didn't intend to, but I totally sunburned myself. Being the preacher of SPF that I am to anyone who will listen, and some who won't, I'm so mad at myself for it! It was nice though, feeling the sun warming my skin. It makes me excited to be on vacation somewhere that I can hop up and jump into a body of water to cool off when it gets too hot.

I suppose I'll wrap up this boring post. I'll try to post something more interesting, more often.

Toodles. :)

Revamped

2010-04-22T15:49:00.000-07:00

I had a few moments to kill here, waiting for this evening to begin. I realized it's been a while since I've been able to write. Reading over my last few posts, posts that were surely all made while I was at work at my old job, I've gotten lots of happy warm&fuzzy feelings. Reliving that time, the time when I was still reeeeallllly hoping for a new job and the time when I knew one was waiting for me and was gripped in a little fear of the unknown, reliving that was really really good.

It just reinforced how freaking happy I am here. When the biggest thing I have to complain about (because that's always the first thing we must do, right? Pull out the negative first and focus on it? That's something I need to work on.) is so minor that it only bothers me intermittently and not even every day ... that's a good freaking deal. Reading things I wrote about being berated and yelled at and belittled, knowing exactly how I felt writing it moments after it happened, or sometimes even as it was happening ... made me so so so happy. Happy to be free. Happy to be picking playdough out of my flip flops and flung food out of my hair. Happy to be here.

My serious, deep appreciation for this new path God has put me on and the people He put in my life that brought me here (ahem, Kristina. :) ) has been reeeenewed! I don't even mind that I'm going to be here over 12 hours today! Not a bit. I'll happily spend 12 hours here, in place of six day weeks of varying hours in a small space with unhappy, unfriendly, unkind, unhealthy people.

Happy day!!!

(P.S. I promise I'm not medicated. Although, full disclosure: I did just have a cookie. It could have been laced.)

On The Other Hand ...

2010-03-10T16:18:00.000-08:00

On the heels of that last blog post, I must also say this: as many things as I've found out in my last days here that are negative, I think even more overwhelming is all the kind and positive things that have come to light. There have been people who I considered "work friends" but not much more than that, who have every day since I gave notice, lamented, "Whyyyyy?? Why does it have to be you leaving? Whyyyyyyyy?!" which, obviously, feels pretty good. And people who have tried to convince me to stay just a little longer. One more day, maybe the weekend? And people who have gone around, "behind my back" so to speak, talking about how good I am at my job and how much I'll be missed.

All of those things simultaneously make me sad about leaving, and happy. I'm happy to be leaving on a high note. I'm happy that people will, for the most part, look back on my time here as a beneficial time and not a time that they endured and made it through.

I'm glad I've made friends here. I'm glad that I'll feel comfortable coming back for a visit from time to time or to have lunch if that's ever possible.

I know life will move on without me and I know some of the niceties are just standard platitudes, but I know some of them are genuine and heartfelt, and that means a lot.

When The Truth Comes Out

2010-03-08T15:18:00.000-08:00

It's interesting, being in my last week at work. As bittersweet as the moments are, there are things to make it more bearable. Things to focus on to make it less bitter and much much more sweet.

One such thing is finding out who the pretenders are. Who really had your back all along and who, for whatever reason, faked it. Maybe they faked it because they perceived that I had some sort of "connections"? Or because of someone they really do like who liked me? Or because they just want everyone to think they're super swell and never have a cross thought about them?

Whatever the excuse, I think fake two-facedness is despicable and a complete deal breaker. I am nice to people. I'm nice to some people that I don't really care for. Because it's rude otherwise. Out and out telling people how much you can't stand them is rude and hurtful and unnecessary. So there is a certain amount of niceness out of plain old common courtesy. Sometimes I try to give people another chance. Maybe I judged to quickly, so I give them a chance to be someone I genuinely like.

But there is a huge difference between the social grace that is being polite to someone you may not really care for, and buttering someone up before turning around and saying hateful slanderous things about them to other people.

If I focus on those people, those situations, it makes leaving easier. I'm aware that in every single workplace there are people like this. I don't delude myself into thinking that a new job will offer all kind souls where everyone gets along and nobody fights and there's always sunshine and rainbows and butterflies. There may even be people worse than what I've had here. But that's for me to discover. Here, I already know the nasty hateful people and it gets harder and harder to be outwardly polite to them the more I find out about all they've had to say about me.

So here's to you, you Harry Potter suck head. I hope more people see through you to the b*tchy little girl that lives inside you.

Categorizing

2010-03-04T09:08:00.000-08:00

I am so so SO thrilled to have a new job. SO THRILLED.

Every time something pings as a sadness moment about leaving this job, I have to have a few categorized responses to counteract it. Sad about this person you'll miss seeing on a daily basis? But just think, you NEVER have to see this person or this one again if you don't want to! Sad about missing out on this fun aspect of your job? But just think, you'll never have to do this or this or THIS again!

That might have been a nonsense paragraph. I can't be sure. My brain has pretty much shut off these last couple of days. The point is this: although it is bittersweet at moments, I am thoroughly stoked to start my new job. Any people at this one that I'm going to miss, I'm just going to have to go out of my way to stay in contact with.

In other news, my friend Keegan's web design company Terablock is amazing. (They also do site security. Seriously, the most badass IT guy I know.) If you have need for a slick, super functional, gorgeous, smart looking website, check him out.

Well, I guess that's it for this random, left field post.

Peace

2010-02-18T11:53:00.000-08:00

Occasionally I like to scroll back through my blog posts and remind myself of where I was.

This is useful to me in that, sometimes, I find myself reading something that describes the way I'm feeling at that moment with incredible accuracy. Ideally, that shouldn't be the case. I shouldn't blog about how I'm feeling, how I plan to change it and then in months ahead, find that I've circled back to where I started.

Other times, I read something and I think, 'Wow, how freaking happy am I that that's not me anymore?'

Today I realized that it's been well over three months since I started toying with the idea of pursuing a different career. I mean, I guess I've always kind of got that in mind, but the beginning of November is when I actually started the process of mentally letting go of this place and sincerely hoping that it might be time to move on soon.

When I read that entry in November about how fearful I am of change and how much guilt I attach to things that definitely don't need it, I felt so blessed to realize how far I've come. I really think that I've actually always craved change. It's just easier to be afraid of it and hold it at arm's length. Today is a big day in the realm of change and I am so incredibly excited about the possibilities! Even if it doesn't pan out for whatever reason, I am so ready for the next step. And, although I feel the occasional pang of guilt here and there, I think I've done a good job in stepping out of that unhealthy pool. I will not feel guilty for trying to make my life better, as long as I'm not stomping on people's heads to do it.

I'm letting God have full control this afternoon. I try to do that all times of all days, but I'm especially focused on it today. I know if this is where God means for me to go, the path will be laid out. I'm so freaking excited to see if that's the case.

Here goes nothing!

Waiting On The Phone To Ring

2010-02-16T10:19:00.000-08:00

Today has not been awesome. It's been an awesome motivator to get the heck out of dodge, but that's about it in the awesome realm.

It's really draining and exhausting to have to defend myself to my boss all the time. And it's really stressful to be accused of and blamed for mistakes that really have nothing to do with me. I don't have any problem owning up to it when I drop the ball. I mean, obviously it's not fun to admit you were wrong, but I can handle it. What I don't like is having to prove that I wasn't wrong all the time. I don't work in an environment where I should have to justify and prove my work all the time. I'm reporting data that others collect. If the data is incorrect, I don't think that's my fault. I'll happily fix it if you'd like, but shouting at me and berating me about "why can't I ever get it right" ... is entirely inappropriate behavior.

Why is it only Tuesday?

gurgle

2010-02-08T21:14:00.000-08:00

i'm so annoyed that i'm sick right now. it's my own stupid fault, that's the worst part. i was thinking it's gotten to the point where i should make a doctor's appointment, but today i saw the nurse at work. although she said my throat ... well, i'll spare you the details and just say it looked disgusting. but no white spots to indicate strep. she recommended frequent salt water gargling and i may be able to kick it. so here i sit, watching my favorite Monday night shows ... How I Met Your Mother, Accidentally On Purpose (while flipping to House during commercials), Two & a Half Men and Big Bang Theory ... while intermittently going to the kitchen to heat my salt water back up and gargle.

maybe it's psychological, but my throat already feels a wee bit better.

and Two & a Half men is turning out to be very melancholy. here's looking to Sheldon on Big Bang Theory to perk things back up.

although this is probably a lame Monday night, i find it peaceful and relaxing. and quiet. sooo nice and quiet.

finally: today a psychic told me that something will happen by or in September. i guess we've got t-minus seven months to see if she's a quack. (which, i'll be honest, i presume she will be.)

that is all. please enjoy your Monday night.

mountain

2010-02-03T15:58:00.000-08:00

do you ever get a pimple on your face that's so huge it's like a new friend? a painful, seen all day in your peripheral vision, eyesore of a friend?

no?

well, my new friend jimmy and i pity you and your lack of relationships in life.

fear

2010-01-20T14:11:00.000-08:00

i love when my devotion is intended specifically for me and it speaks straight to my heart.

an excerpt: (emphasis added by me.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control."

2 Timothy 1:7

Healthy fear warns us of danger and prepares us to react appropriately. However, the type of fear referred to in this verse is an unhealthy fear. It gets in the way of what our heavenly Father has already given us: His power, His love and His self-control.

Unhealthy fear overwhelms us with doubt and insecurity; it drains our spiritual life and physical strength. It steals God's peace from our hearts, and robs us of joy in our daily lives. It causes us to become stagnant; unable to move ahead with the things God has planned for us. It's important to remember that unhealthy, paralyzing, controlling fear is not from God. It is one weapon our enemy Satan uses to interrupt, discourage and destroy our relationship with our heavenly Father.

Are you living with unhealthy fear? Are you ready to replace it with the courageous and confident hope that's found in trusting God alone? By placing our hope in God and not in our circumstances, we're able to alleviate unhealthy fear. With God, we can face any giant in our path with confidence.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

confidence. not something i excel in. and how many times have i complained that i feel my life becoming stagnant, never moving forward?

my basic conclusion is this: insecurity is a manifestation of fear. fear (unhealthy) comes from Satan. God provides perfect peace.

i struggle with insecurity so much, i don't even really consider it a struggle. it's just a part of living, part of humanity, part of being a girl. it can be crippling, paralyzing. i am so often encouraged in things, for example, singing. there are so many people who compliment my voice, encourage me to sing more, without fear. and yet, all i ever hear is my own internal monologue reminding me of that one guy who made a cringe-type face while i was singing that one time or the solos that went to someone else.

i want to live without this handicap. i obviously can't do it myself, but if i can embrace the peace that God has for me, i think i can overcome it. i need to remember to ask Him to fill me with serenity when i find myself in these petrifying situations. because if His peace is filling me, where would the fear fit?

a year in review

2009-12-31T21:08:00.000-08:00

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before? attended a movie screening, visited Texas, LA, made specific plans and long term goals for myself.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? i don't think i made any last year ... this year i plan on actually using my gym membership and finishing paying off all of my consumer debt.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? my sister had my nephew last January and my aunt had my baby cousin in July.

4. Did anyone close to you die? no, thankfully. i did go to a few funerals, but they were acquaintances.

5. What countries did you visit? States? stayed in the US, i went to Washington, Texas and California.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009? security, stability, change.

7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory and why? my very first nephew being born was probably the most important, January 16th.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? i paid off a significant amount of debt, righted a few wrongs, got car insurance back after a short lapse, finally started making personal improvements. oh, and cleaned out my car. :)

9. What was your biggest failure? i started with my goals of improvement last February and i didn't actually start taking action on them until about August. procrastination is my biggest downfall.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? no, i've actually been incredibly healthy this year. i had strep throat for about a day, and that was it that i can recall.

11. What was the best thing you bought? nothing special, i guess plane tickets were the best.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? my sister was chosen to be part of a selective team for a culinary competition. it's what she wants to do in life and i'm so proud of her for making such advancements so early in life.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? my boss is probably the most appalling and it truly depresses me to see him go on, completely unencumbered with his abhorrent behavior. another person close to me truly shocked me with their greed and negative attitude. it honestly makes me sad for this person that they're not going to ever really have joy and happiness in life if they continue to be oblivious to their seemingly blackened spirit. other than that, just a handful of people making poor choices, putting others in terrible situations.

14. Where did most of your money go? honestly, i think the single biggest recipient of my money was the church. i think tithing was my biggest single expense. which is a good thing i guess, but also just partly because there's not really much beyond that to spend on any one thing. paying off debt as a general expense was also up there.

15. What did you really, really, really get excited about? i think i was most excited about spending time in LA. i actually really really enjoyed it there.

16. What song will always remind you of 2009? omg, probably something stupid like Party In The USA. blerg.

17. Compared to this time last year are you: Happier? yes, i was actually pretty depressed this time last year. Thinner? meh, i dunno. Richer? i don't know about that. maybe so since i owe less?

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? working on myself and my goals.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? wasting time on inaction.

20. How did you spend Christmas? Christmas Eve's Eve with my mom's side of the family, yummy dinner and sugar cookie decorating, Christmas Eve at church, Christmas morning with my family including my sister, brother-in-law, nephew and dad home from Iraq and then the afternoon with the whole extended family at my great aunt's house.

21. How will you be spending new years? hanging with the family, playing Farkle and Mario Party 8 on Wii, typing this, eating too much yummy food.

22. Did you fall in love in 2009? nope.

23. How many one-night stands? 0

24. What was your favorite TV program? Community and Glee are my favorite new shows, i still love The Office, Parks and Rec, True Blood, 30 Rock, How I Met Your Mother, Two and a Half Men, and i learned to love Criminal Minds.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? i have a much stronger distaste for a couple of people than i did last year, yes.

26. What was the best book you read? The Shack (i know, so late to the game on that one.)

27. What was your biggest musical discovery? i really like 3OH!3 and Cobra Starship, and pretty much anything they sang on Glee. :)

28. What did you want and get? to travel.

29. What did you want and not get? a fabulous new job, a bajillion dollars.

30. What was your favorite film of this year? I Love You Man, Star Trek, The Hangover, Paranormal Activity, Iglourious Basterds, Avatar ... there are more that i still want to see and just haven't yet ... Up In The Air, Up, Zombieland, (500) Days Of Summer, The Blind Side, Whip It, The Informant!, and It's Complicated. (um, i kind of love movies apparently.)

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old did you turn? i spent my actual birthday in Disneyland for 16 hours. i turned 25. (yikes.)

32. Did you go anywhere exciting? i went to Washington over a weekend for my friend's wedding, i flew with my sister to her new home in Texas, and i flew to Burbank to spend a week in LA and Disneyland. i feel like i still have a lot i want to do in LA, so i see myself returning in the future.

33. What is one thing you learned in 2009? that sitting around, thinking, planning and dreaming are all well and good ... but action is the only thing that will create the change i crave.

34. What do you regret from 2009? nothing except not acting sooner.

35. Which celebrity did you fancy the most? Alexander Skarsgard, Robert Downey Jr., Paul Rudd ... just the standard. :)

36. What political issue stirred you the most? i think the decision to send more troops to Afghanistan this year hurt the most.

37. Who did you miss? a few people, the memories of a few people.

38. Who was the best new person you met? Matt and Vicki are pretty cool, Greg and the other Matt are both nice, and Jacob, Matt and Evan were cool too. i probably met a lot more new people than that, but i can't think of any one that's "the best" ...

39. What do you hope to see in 2010? peace for my family, and peace for my friends. so many friends that are going through so much traumatic, horrible stuff. i hope this year brings a lot more people a lot more peace.

40. What do you hope to be in the 2010? a more proactive and determined me, debt free and meeting my personal goals.

sweet Lord in heaven

2009-12-03T22:32:00.000-08:00

so ... i'm an idiot. i have this trip planned for my birthday, right? i'm going to go to LA and Disneyland and i get to go to a movie screening and a comedy show and possibly a taping of Conan and just hang out and see cool stuff in LA that i only get to read about normally ... right?

okay. so i bought plane tickets when i had the money and they were on super sale because i was pretty sure i would need them. i planned everything and budgeted everything out, i managed to plan the trip to be really fairly inexpensive. it was going to be awesome.

but then. hours at work got cut. pretty drastically. oh, but we get to claim unemployment to make up the difference. great! except for some reason, even though i'm approved for benefits, each week i claim it's denied. so i'm sitting here, not able to pay basically any of my bills, desperately trying to keep my bank account afloat, not able to continue setting aside the small amounts i needed for my trip. it's not looking good. so some things get altered. one day less at the park, no big deal. still, can't afford it. but i'm not going to call off my trip. i know that if i'm supposed to go down there, somehow (read: only by the grace of God), things will fall into place. that's just how it works for me. in a last ditch effort, i ask my mom to give me a loan in lieu of a birthday present. but she can't. so i'm pretty much effed. i am getting cash from my mom for my birthday and half of my christmas gift money and i know i'll get a little something from my gramma too. i have just enough in savings that maybe, just maybe i can make this work.

tonight. i fly out tomorrow morning. it's down to the wire. i log on to my online banking to see just how bad it's going to be and consider cutting it down to only one day in the park instead of two.

wha ...

my balance has grown by quite a significant sum.

i got approved for unemployment. for the first time. the only time? i don't know. but it's just enough that everything is going to be just fine.

i literally cried you guys. i truly don't understand why God blesses me so much. continually. it's inexplicable and undeserved. i am so so truly blessed and so incredibly grateful.

Disney or bust!

RIP qwerty

2009-11-18T10:38:00.000-08:00

today has been an eff of a day. i have faith that it could turn around, i do. but aside from some small, completely superficial and irrelevant pleasures (read: this and yeah, this too) so far, this day is for crap.

the most recent development, i dumped my entire water bottle into my keyboard. my very favorite, ergonomic, fancy pants keyboard. the keyboard i have moved with me as i've changed jobs around here. i drained it (yes, there was that much water) and ran paper towels between the keys, but it's still entering a perpetual 1, over and over and over. Keegan says it might recover in a couple of days, and i believe it might. but in the interim, i'm using a crap flat keyboard. i can feel my hands getting crampy already. and i'm typing like a freaking beginner. i keep having to look down for keystrokes. my fingers knew that other keyboard so well, they just floated over it. i miss it.

plus, now i have no clean yummy filtered water from home to drink. like i said, this day is for crap.

(eff dude. i'm now realizing that the rolly scrolly thing on my mouse isn't working either. sad sad sad sad.)

fingers crossed

2009-11-17T16:02:00.000-08:00

i currently have four irons in the fire by way of options for new employment. one of them i would maybe take if it was offered, one i would most likely take if offered, but i wouldn't mind terribly if it wasn't, one i would probably really enjoy and one of them i would squeal and do a happy dance if i got it.

they all have their pros and cons, even the happy dance one which is half an hour away. and i know this isn't the climate to be looking for work or to be picky for that matter.

but i would really appreciate prayers. maybe prayers in the general leaning of the happy dance one.

oh happy dance, how i wish to dance you.

anticipation

2009-11-12T02:48:00.000-08:00

i was told by my inside source that i'm on the list for interviews with for the job i applied for. i haven't received an official call saying so, but i'm trying to wait patiently. i've already started taking some random things home from work so that i won't have a ton of stuff to pack up when the time comes. i've already started focusing on all the positive things that would come from this new job.

i guess i should really try not to get ahead of myself, but if the pay is even a bit comparable, i really believe i'll take it. it's time.

prayers are always appreciated. thank you. :)

the time has come, the walrus said

2009-11-06T16:49:00.000-08:00

well, i officially applied for a different full time job this week. i found out that i'm on the list for interviews, but that the job doesn't pay as much as my current one.

initially, this made me count this out as an option. i also know the preschool at our church is hiring a part time teacher for a 3:30 to 6:30 shift. if i shuffle my hours at my current job a little, i would still be working withing the limitations they've set, but i could leave early enough to work in the pre-school as well. those will be some long days if it comes to that.

then this afternoon, after my boss had left work, he called me from his cell phone and reamed me out for about five minutes. all of the details aren't important, but basically he wanted me to finish a project but i hadn't received all the information i needed to complete it and he spent a long time telling me that i should have been hounding people for the information every day until i got it. (never mind that these people are salaried managers and were expressly told, by him, to get me the information. apparently, according to him, they are incapable of doing that unless i continually and consistently nag them for it. but that's not really the point.)

in the moments after i hung up the phone, i felt so angry and frustrated (and slightly worthless) that i thought, you know what? for a little peace of mind and a lot less stress, maybe i'd be okay with making less per hour. at this point, it might end up being more per week.

at the very least, if they call me for an interview, i'm going. i firmly believe that if it's where God wants me, it will all work out. that's just the way it is.

moving forward

2009-11-03T17:41:00.001-08:00

i have such a hard time with change. i think pretty much everyone does on some level or another. but i really struggle with it, to the point where i don't usually accept it until it's forced on me. even if it's obviously for the better.

i was just told today about a job that i should really probably do everything in my power to get. it's full time, 10am to 6:30pm, benefits, etc. i don't know how much it pays, but likely, it's equal to or greater than what i make now. it seems like something i could do easily, but also get to learn a lot of new stuff.

my problem comes in when i think about leaving my current job. even though i know it's likely a smart move to leave, i obviously suffer with some crazy underlying guilt issues. and the fear of change. i like my friends at work, i like eating lunch with them and knowing what's going on in their lives. i like so many people i work with. i feel like i'd be abandoning them to leave. despite glaring warning signs that i should probably jump ship.

in the end, i think i need to do what's best for me. i need to remember that it's still possible to be friends with people even if you don't see them at work every day. and that it's not my responsibility to squeak by paycheck to paycheck just because someone lays a guilt trip on me for mentioning the possibility of leaving.

i think i get the most peace knowing that my decision is in God's hands. in my experience, when i've really wanted to do something and it hasn't been right, doors have been closed. arrows have pointed me away. other times when there were things i was on the fence about or had no intention of doing at all, pieces just fell into place, like a path being laid out before me. i think that God makes it pretty obvious to me if certain things are His will or not, my job is just to stop being so thick skulled so that i might actually see it.

these next couple of weeks could get interesting.

i'm a neglectful jerk

2009-10-27T22:10:00.001-07:00

i'm sorry my little blog. i really do love you so and think of you fondly often. but i let life get me all caught up in it's twisty, busy snare.

so much has been going on. so much in life, work, everything.

i guess i'll just write about what's most on my mind, which is work. last week they announced that all hourly employees could only work 32 hours a week. i regularly exceed 40. initially it was supposed to be a four day work week with Monday's off. most people were surprisingly okay with that. after everyone was informed not to come to work Monday, they went back that afternoon and changed it to where we will be working 9-3:30 Monday through Thursday, 7:30-4 on Fridays. so two hours less a day for four days, 32 hours a week. people were considerably less okay with this. for reasons like daycare providers that charge by the day rather than the hour, one day less pay per week but still the same amount of commuting ...

we've also stopped all new production.

in general, i guess i could sum it up best to say, i'm concerned. i'm looking into third job options and trying to get creative in my finances and bill pay.

i know it's a sketchy time for all and we're lucky to be having any hours at all, but i can't help but be a bit worried.

i miss you blog. i'll be back soon.

quick mental break

2009-09-17T10:24:00.000-07:00

today i worked through our normal break time, but am now finding myself in serious need of a mental step back. so here i blog.

this is currently the desktop on my computer:

yes, pictures of my incredibly adorable nephew have even taken a slip to this. this is what i need. i need to burn it into my brain. think it, breathe it, eat it, drink it. this needs to be my mantra. i need to remain focused.

it's so easy to wander. well, the focus is what wanders. i stay still. that is the problem.

are you happy?

do you want to be happy?

change something.

my grampa is awesome

2009-09-16T10:52:00.000-07:00

seriously. while i was on vacation, my grampa came and took my car to change the oil and filter. he left me a little tag on the dash to tell me exactly what was done and at how many miles i'll need my next oil change.

he just called me at work to let me know he needs my car all day saturday so that he can change the fuel pump. (this is apparently why it sometimes leaves me stranded and doesn't start.) he also put gas in it and i believe is doing something about the alignment because for some reason the frame was chewing up my tire on one side.

when my dad leaves, one thing that weighs on me is, "who the heck am i supposed to call when my car goes to crap?" because he is my go to save-r. it's so comforting to have someone else looking out for me and the mechanically minded stuff that i am so not inclined to think about.

thank you God for my sweet, wonderful, kind, giving, loving grandparents. what an awesome blessing You've given me in them.

i can't wrap my head around bi-polar disorder

2009-08-30T09:22:00.000-07:00

it never ceases to amaze me. it's like Jekyll and Hyde. you never know who you're going to get.

the same exact conversation could be two completely different scenarios. all depending on who you're talking to.

it's devastating and heartbreaking and spirit crushing. it's like a punch to the gut, all the wind and life knocked right out of you. it makes you second guess who you are and doubt your worth. you are meaningless.

and you know what? this won't help. in fact, it will probably make it worse.

but it helps me. it helps me later when i read this and remember. remember not to forget how it feels.

and so it goes

2009-08-29T23:06:00.000-07:00

my sister and my baby nephew are in town visiting for a couple of weeks and, as such, i have been more than slightly preoccupied. i spend all my time at work or at home, thinking that i should be spending as much time as possible with them because soon, they'll be gone again.

well, in reality, it's not as bad this time as last time they were here because this time i'll be going back with them. i'm excited to travel somewhere new and to see where they'll be living but i can't say that i'm thrilled at the prospect of sweating it out in texas. muhng.

i really do thrive on travel though. i didn't really have the opportunity to travel much when i was younger, as being part of a family of seven tends to limits those options.

but in my advancing age, i find myself passing the time based on the next time i get to go somewhere or do something. ever since i went to visit my sister in missouri last may, it's like, where should i go next? and when will i be able to afford to go?

the affording part is a pretty major factor. so i invest a lot of effort into getting that "vacation feeling" out of the little things. a day or two at the beach here, a friday afternoon off (usually just for a doctor's appointment or something) to lengthen the weekend there ... holiday weekends are the best. well, the only downside really is that by the time the next workday rolls around, i've had plenty of time to really dive deep into that vacation brain and returning to my desk and my lovely computer monitor is that much harder.

perhaps i need a job that will require me to travel. when i was in high school, i toyed with the idea of being a flight attendant. i don't know if that's really the ideal career path for me, but i like the idea of what kind of opportunities it would afford me.

the trouble comes in this: i am a coward. i have big dreams, big ideas, sometimes even big plans, and then, somehow, they just don't happen. i can't say that i've ever regretted something i've taken a chance on, but i so rarely take that chance.

what to do? keep trucking it out at my current job, be the best darn team coordinator i can be? apply for that inventory position in a different area and learn a whole new language of plant names, item numbers, bloom times, standard sizes and lot availability? move far away and try to start something completely new? quit my job and live slash sell bootlegged movies out of my car? (perhaps i'm being dramatic.)

inevitably it always comes back to that one basic fact. i am a coward. i will not pursue anything that is too scary or risky. i won't take that step, that leap. of faith. faith.

i'm missing something key here. i can feel it.

what have i missed out on so far in this life due to my cowardice? what will i miss out on in the future? what am i missing out on right now?

i can't say. i can't even venture a guess. because it hurts too badly.

but maybe that's what life should be. painful growth to achieve betterment. (betterment is a word. i know, because i just invented it.)

okay. i'm going to think about this. i'll keep you updated.

(ha! spellcheck says "betterment" is already a word. i'm smarter than i know! :) )

forwarded to me by a girl at work ...

2009-08-20T14:14:00.000-07:00

i found this to be surprisingly true. (sorry, it's a tad crude at moments.)

THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’

‘It was Bob the next door neighbor,’ she replies.

‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’

‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk. ‘I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’

Puff! She’s gone.

‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.’

Puff! He’s gone.

‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch.’

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, ‘Can I also sit like you and do nothing?’

The eagle answered: ‘Sure, why not.’

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree’ sighed the turkey, ‘but I haven’t got the energy.’

‘Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’ replied the bull. They’re packed with nutrients.’

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull Sh*t might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your
friend.

(3) And when you’re in deep sh*t, it’s best to keep
your mouth shut!

twitter killed the blogspot star

2009-08-17T11:59:00.000-07:00

obviously, i am not the blogspot star. but twitter, instant messaging and texting are killing my writing abilities.

i'm pretty awesome at coming up with one liners, an observational quip, a snappy comeback. but whenever i sit down to write a real blog, as soon as i get to right about ... here. everything i've written so far seems contrite and boring.

don't give up on me. i still have things to say. i'll work on getting better.

p.s. - i liked this better the first time i wrote it, but blogspot chose to delete it. this is also not helping my blogging aspirations.

loosening the death grip

2009-08-03T12:00:00.000-07:00

see Krissy? it's funny you should have written about that ...

last night i was alone at my house. which tends to lead to staying up too late reading, doing nothing, intending to do something valuable. which invariably leads to the air conditioner creaking repeatedly and me repeatedly thinking it must have been something other than the air conditioner and where is a dog to sound the barking alarm when i need one?

SO, it also leads to a lot of prayer. mostly prayer for my sanity to return and stop letting my imagination scare me. but being alone afforded the opportunity for prayer out loud. prayer that feels more like a conversation. quiet spaces where solutions and suggestions and gentle (or stern if they're more in my own voice) rebuffs materialize in my thoughts. i guess i could be the only one who does this. (i guess, for that matter, i could be certifiable.) but i find it calming.

the overall resulting feeling of my late night conversation was one of peace and reassurance. i know that God hasn't forsaken me. He hasn't forgotten about my dreams and desires and hopes and wishes. i really think that He's just been waiting. waiting for me to let go, and stop trying to force my will. it's not about my will. and the longer i try to make it so, the farther i'll get from what i want. what i believe is wanted for me.

the trust fall is perhaps the hardest thing i remember having to do as a kid. i barely trust myself to keep me on two feet ... you want me to just tumble willy nilly into the arms of kids who are friends at best, distasteful brats at worst? and TRUST that they'll support me from cracking my head on a rock and being the first kid to die at the ropes course? are you DELUSIONAL?! but i did it.

if i was willing to make such a blatant physical statement of trust and faith in a bunch of snotty fifth grade kids, what's holding me back from falling into the arms of the only One i know will truly never let me down? what has happened in my life so far that would prove that i know better? or that He can't be trusted?

so i'm prying my fingers loose from their steely grip on control (how laughable. as if i've ever had control of anything.) and trying to relax. trying to float gently down into the only place that really is worthy of faith. i believe He'll take care of it all. and now i'm actually going to live that.

to-do list (3)

2009-08-03T11:21:00.000-07:00

i feel like the list is a cop out post because it's a simple copy, paste, plug in html codes as needed post. so i won't say that it counts.

- call PL
- call tx
- call Gail
- clean S
- DONATE
- dd Si6
- buy porch bed
~~- buy filter~~
- gift for mk
- gift for db
- gift for ant.j
- gift for cc
- gift for al
(gifts are going to kill me!)
~~- PO box~~
- library
~~- dr. appt.~~
- dr. foltz
~~- buy brushes~~
~~- call c to suspend!~~
- go IN to c to suspend (urg)
- set up appt. @ Paul Mitchell (for 9)

first of all, i'm leaving the crossed out things on so that i feel like i'm actually getting something accomplished. getting to cross things off of to-do lists is often one of the major reasons i do them.

second, the nice thing about this list is that as i'm preparing to re-post it, i'll see something and think, 'you know, that's one more thing i could cross off if i just pick up the phone right now.' and then i do it. so it's forcing my hand! yay! the whole point!

shut up and DO IT!

2009-07-29T15:03:00.001-07:00

so you don't like who you are? you don't like how you look, how you feel, how you exist? well, acknowledging that was a good step. good for you.

now what?

so you write about it. you pray about it. you make lists and plans and schedules. you dream dreams, map out ideas.

and then?

is that it? really? you're just going to keep looping around in this, "i'm not happy with who i am so i'm going to work on changing that" self-help guru sounding garbage, but not actually do anything about it?

stop being an idiot! stop treading water! stop stalling, making excuses for yourself, whining and procrastinating. TAKE ACTION!

you're making me sick. please. get over yourself and just do it already.

to-do list (2)

2009-07-29T13:23:00.000-07:00

y'all are the worst accountability partners ever! i was supposed to be posting this once a week and i think it's been almost two! luckily, i haven't given up on you. or me. :)

- call PL
- call tx
- call Gail
- clean S
- DONATE
- dd Si6
- buy porch bed
~~- buy filter~~
- gift for mk
- gift for db
- gift for ant.j
- gift for cc
- gift for al
(gifts are going to kill me!)
~~- PO box~~
- library
- dr. appt.
- dr. foltz
~~- buy brushes~~
- call c to suspend!

this is the very definition of no bueno. i've crossed off less than i've added. okay, this week i'll do a better job! i WILL!

warm fuzzies

2009-07-27T15:56:00.000-07:00

this song by Jimmy Needham is one of my favorites. i completely adore the lyrics and the melody. reading the lyrics might not actually do it justice. if you've never heard this song, i suggest you look it up! :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

you’re my unfathomable precious unimaginable joy
and you’re exceedingly excited and abundantly more than I could ask for
with your hand in mine we will pass through time and space
and every second, every minute, every hour of every day I’ll say

my unfailing love for you will not be moved
for you will not be moved
my unfailing love for you
and though the mountains be shaken
and the hills be removed
yet my unfailing love for you

He tells a story of a King coming in glory and He is
and that same Man who devised that plan united ours with His
and so hand in hand we will walk with Him as our two become as one
and all the promises He promises to us He promises will never be undone

gimme gimme!

2009-07-24T12:03:00.000-07:00

do you know people who's first thought upon meeting someone is, "what can i gain from this relationship?" are YOU one of those people?

i have a friend like that. every time she meets someone it's like the first thing out of her mouth about them is, "well, they're really good at such and such, so here's how that could benefit me."

i know people who do stuff. (wow. lamest statement ever.) my uncle is a mechanic, but i don't feel like i should ever ask him to do something for me at any kind of discount. much less expect him to! one of my classroom volunteers is a hairdresser. i would feel funny asking her if she could cut me a deal on a hair cut. i work with a computer GeNiUs. i ask his advice sometimes but i feel guilty if i ever actually ask him to do something for me personally.

maybe this all ties back to my inexplicable guilt complex? (again, that's a whole separate post. or perhaps, a series of posts.) maybe it's totally acceptable to expect people to bestow their goods or services on me because we're family/friends/acquaintances/coworkers? i don't know. i don't think it's okay. i don't think it's attractive. in fact, i think it's pretty darn ugly.

***please note*** this is considered a "blind item." basically, if you're reading this blog, i'm probably not going to write about you. i'm not that much of an idiot. however, if this is convicting to you, that's a whole different ball of wax. perhaps if this strikes a chord with you, you should examine WHY that is.

to-do list

2009-07-14T20:17:00.001-07:00

so last week, i think on tuesday, i said something like, "today's the day. no more 'tomorrow' ... the time is now." something along those lines.

well, i didn't do that thing that day. whoops. follow-through fail.

so i'm going to put together a to-do list here. i'm going to re-post it once a week until everything is crossed off. sorry if that's annoying, but this way i'll have to really do this crap. to avoid embarrassment, if nothing else.

(these things don't need to make sense to you. even if you don't know what it is, you'll be able to tell if i've done it or not. please feel free to harass the crap out of me if i don't get stuff crossed off. thank you for your assistance in this.)

- call PL
- call tx
- call Gail
- clean S
- DONATE
- dd Si6
- buy porch bed
- buy filter
- gift for m
- gift for d
- gift for aj
- gift for cc
- gift for a
(gifts are going to kill me!)
~~- PO box~~

okay. i'm super annoyed. when i thought of this earlier, i had a bunch of things in mind. not these things. of course now i can't think of them. i can always add stuff.

that is all.

update: i'm sneaking these things onto my list ...

- library
- dr. appt.
- dr. foltz
- buy brushes

take this jay-oh-bee

2009-07-14T12:00:00.000-07:00

i probably started this on 15 different trains of thought. or maybe, ultimately, it was the same train of thought and i just tried to start 15 different ways.

regardless, (sidebar: how much do you hate when people say things like irregardless? it bothers me SO much!) none of it was really going where i wanted it to.

so today, we'll suffice it to say: *different* is on the horizon. and i couldn't be more excited.

(haha, "irregardless" was the only word spellcheck didn't recognize in this post. buah ha ha ha ha!)

sometimes i think you might be bipolar

2009-07-13T14:31:00.000-07:00

i have been having some strange dreams lately. these include, but are not limited to:

hanging out in a bar in mcminnville that i've never been to and all of the currently touring american idol peeps were there. there was more to this dream and it got really weird, but i don't remember it all now.

working in a new job that's really really cool, but i have no idea what it is or what's going on. just that i love it. i guess that's good, right?

then a very strange one involving a member of a family that doesn't like me much (although this person is my friend on facebook, so maybe they feel differently?) and a weird situation ... i was in a bathroom, similar to one at our high school. for some reason, he was in the bathroom as well and was refusing to give me any privacy. (there also seemed to be no stalls ... so weird.) i was at that like, i-will-explode-if-i-don't-go-to-the-bathroom-soon point of bladder retention. (i think this dream was right before i woke up and i really did have to go that badly. sorry. tmi.) i finally gave up and then he somehow used that to spread a nasty rumor about me all around school ... something to do with me having a kid out of wedlock. or something. i have no idea. the madness. i think what it boiled down to was that (because IRL he's my friend on facebook?) in the dream, i thought he was on "my side" of the drama between myself and his family but he was really tricking me in order to bring me down. no idea where this all stemmed from.

anyway. now you're caught up. i'll try to be more interesting in the future. apologies.

twitaholic

2009-07-10T15:28:00.000-07:00

wednesday night i went to Ben's graduation party and saw some old friends that i haven't seen in probably two years or so. it was nice to catch up! well, in person. one of them is someone i follow on twitter, Anna. she follows me as well. @annalog81807 if you're interested. she and her husband Mike were talking about how i tweet a lot. i know i do. i can't really place a finger on why, other than maybe the same reason i blog. but shorter and more convenient. i don't really know exactly why i blog though either ... self exploration/improvement/investigation? pure, unadulterated narcissism? ... Mike was talking about how she gets a text and she's excited and then it's like, "oh, it's just Lindsay on twitter." but she swore up and down it's okay because she finds it interesting. (i choose to believe that because, realistically, if it annoyed her as much as i fear it might, she could easily stop receiving my updates on her phone ... )

then last night, Ben and i had milkshakes with some people at shari's and we were talking again about how much i tweet. Ben only follows a very small handful of people on twitter. i think it's up to six now. so he showed me his twitterific app on his iPhone and how it is FILLED with my face. just me, over and over and over and OVER again. occasionally someone else. then more me. for some reason it was totally embarrassing! like, i need to just shut up already!

so i promised to reign it in for at least a weekend. if nothing else, perhaps it will break my habit of seemingly immediately reaching for my phone to put everything that i think is even remotely entertaining on twitter. (i should point out, Ben also insisted, although slightly less convincingly, that it wasn't like he thought i should stop. just that it's a lot.)

i have to say, it's been a little hard so far. it's not bad at work, i've been terribly busy anyway. but even just last night, every funny quote ... it was like it needed to be shared!

in thinking about it, i decided: so i tweet a lot. and? if someone really doesn't like it, it's pretty simple to unfollow. go for it. (and then i will be really sad because i'll totally take it personally. it's what i do. i can't help it.) but i'll keep tweeting. because SOME people find it funny. SOME people find it entertaining, or even interesting at times. even if SOME ... is me.

this is me. take it or leave it. if you want ...

(i'm working on not being a people pleaser. and guilt. omg, guilt will have to be a whole separate post. so much guilt.)

dream weaver

2009-07-07T12:01:00.000-07:00

i woke up in the middle of a weird dream last night. naturally, i'm going to share it with you because i know you care. shhh, you do.

ana was here visiting. however, "here" was new mexico. we were at the high school. in the movie theater. yeah, there was a movie theater at the high school. we were up in the balcony watching some movie and doug was there too. he came because he wanted to see ana. so apparently they came from different places. i was then on the other side of a wall that split the balcony and ana and doug were watching with someone else. as was i. no idea who these extras were, but they had identities at the time. then, randomly, i was running away from alexander skarsgård. i know, who in their right mind would run AWAY from that man? but he was chasing me. like, bent on killing me chasing me. i had something valuable and he wanted it but i had to do whatever i could to keep it from him. since he's a huge, athletic person, it was like i was running through jello and he was definitely not. i ended up getting into a building (oh yeah, i was running from him across a grassy field or a really big lawn) and locking the double doors. and he was right there, glaring at me through the door. and i laughed and pointed in his face, then did a gloating little dance while continuing to laugh and point. and then he walked around the corner and came in the other door. and then i opened my eyes and i had fallen asleep on the couch and one of those 5am work out shows was on. you know, the kind with the old ladies and they do all their workouts from a chair? but still have a modified version, in case you can't handle that? that kind.

maybe next time i can change the dream so that alexander skarsgård and i are getting married. i think i'd wake up much less scared.

also. i now have that one line of dream weaver stuck in my head. i hope you do too. 'cause i'm evil like that. :)

weekend update

2009-07-06T09:17:00.000-07:00

i was told by my dear friend Kristina that i don't blog enough. and that i'm not allowed to check her blog for new posts unless i've posted one myself. well, fine then. but, this also means that every time i check and she doesn't have one, i get to write a strongly worded comment on her blog, demanding updates. :)

i love the fourth of july. it's really one of the best holidays. you get to blow stuff up, shoot sparkly things in the sky, barbecue and hang out with family. and get paid time off. i mean, what could be better? really.

it was such a nice, low stress weekend. nothing really went as planned and that was totally fine. i started the weekend helping a friend at work celebrate his promotion, i spent some time watching a deadliest catch marathon (and now i want to go crabbing. i mean, i think i'll be super let down to catch red rock crab and not alaskan king, but still. it's fun.). i got to hang out with my family, give my pregnant aunt a foot rub (she had ankles again for a little while!) we lit fireworks and ate good food. i got to have coffee with Krissy (who i haven't actually gotten to hang out with in FAR too long) and, even though our current favorite show wasn't on last night, i got to hang out with Leslie as well.

my conversation over coffee was enlightening and got me thinking. (as most conversations with Kristina do.) about six months ago, i set up a loose one year plan for myself. there was no definitive goal for the end of the year, other than "something will change" ... whether that change meant moving to LA to attend cosmetology school or to portland for a change of pace or figuring out a way to go back to school and possibly become a teacher. just something had to change because i was not at all happy with the way things were/are.

well, just making that decision has gotten me this far. knowing that action would be taken has buoyed my spirits until now. however, i'm realizing that nothing much has truly changed. i'm supposed to be in process, setting myself up for the better things that are to come. but i'm still just kind of treading water. so chatting openly and frankly about where i'm at, how happy that makes me and where i might like to be ... that was a nice reminder that i need to kick it in gear.

so i might be getting a third job. i might be filling all of my evenings and weekends with work and pushing myself to the limit. i might hate it at times. i might be exhausted a lot. but it's all for a purpose. it's to a better end. it will be worth it. i can't advance to the point in my life that i'd like to be at if i stay stagnant.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

update: since starting this post, i've learned that my old boss here was let go. his position was eliminated company wide. so apparently the "corporate restructure" emotional roller coaster nightmare that we endured last year is happening again. but honestly, i'm not concerned this time. i mean, i don't think that i'm beyond the reach of it all or in any way "safe" ... but i feel like whatever happens, is meant to happen. i'm kind of looking forward to these next few months. they shouldn't be boring, at the very least!

ALSO: my pregnant aunt is no longer pregnant! little Rilee Kennedy came out to join our crazy family! :D welcome Rilee! we love you already!

daddy-o

2009-06-22T15:55:00.000-07:00

this started as a response to my mom's blog post about the dads in her life (btw, in case i haven't told you this, i kind of love that my mom blogs. she's so hip. or something.) but it was getting too long, so i decided to move it here.

i remember my daddy crimping my hair. and not just like, a crimped piece here and there ... my whole head would be a crimped wonder!

when we saw those ads for the "fancy" hair doohickey things on tv that would flip your pony tail inside out, he was like, psh. i can do that. and he did. (it might have hurt a little, but beauty is pain, right?)

i remember him cutting my nails and tweezing slivers out of my feet. insisting that (after i climbed into the apple tree with the assistance of a step ladder and then couldn't actually reach the step ladder to get back down) *in a sing song voice* "if you can't get up, you can't get down, so don't get up at all." and making me figure it out. actually, in fairness, i think he helped me down the first two times and then he was like, nope. figure it out. lol.

i remember him wrestling in the front yard with me and the neighbor boy. that kid was totally jealous that my dad was cool enough (immature enough? :) ) to come out and play with us. he let us dress up in his army digs and use his face paint so we could hide in the trees and terrorize innocent pedestrians walking down our street. (maybe he didn't know exactly what we were using it for.) my favorite was getting lifted up to crawl on the ceiling through the house, only to end in my parents' room, getting dropped from the ceiling to the water bed. i miss that water bed. those were fun times.

i remember my daddy making us breakfast of graham crackers and milk. he also makes big breakfasts of pancakes and eggs and bacon and hashbrowns. he would invent meals. the rice, cream of mushroom soup and hamburger that we affectionately call goulash or slop. i love how he adds brown sugar to basically everything he makes. like, really. everything. if we ever think maybe something has gone bad or shouldn't have sat out all night, he'll be the first to try it and inevitably declares it "fine" ... stomach of steel.

i remember when he came out and saved me when i broke my arm rollerblading. i knew it would be okay because he said it would.

the first time i really remember seeing him cry. when we had to put daisy to sleep. i don't think it was so much about the dog as it was about seeing all of us completely broken down.

i remember when he taught me how to change a tire in preparation for a post high school road trip to california. and when he loaded up in the car and drove almost five hours practically to the state line to rescue us when my car broke down on that road trip. even though his own temperamental vehicle ended up needing a repair on the way down too.

he taught me to change my oil, but still changes it for me since i can't seem to retain that information.

i remember when he taught me to drive at the tender age of what ... 11? 12? although that got shut down once my mom found out ...

he pulled my teeth when i was too afraid to pull them myself. never seemed mad when i woke him up in the middle of the night because i'd had a bad dream. doesn't judge me when i blatantly make the wrong decision.

he taught me how to crab and how to build a fire and how to have no fear.

when all of my friends bailed on me when i was moving, he hooked up his trailer and came to my apartment at 10:00 at night to load up all the big stuff ... bookshelves, bed, dining room table ... even though he had to get up for work at 4:oo the next morning.

he trusted me with riding his motorcycle before i really knew what i was doing, and didn't even give me a hard time for laying it down. twice. i honestly thought he'd be more concerned about the bike, but he saw my foot and knee and hands bleeding and didn't seem mad at all.

i can't even recount the number of times my car has broken down and he's come to save me. all without the slightest "i told you so" attitude. weellll ... maybe the slightest ...

i know i'm leaving things out. it's hard to get it all in one place. and in all fairness, my mom was involved in a lot of these too. but this is for dad's day.

thank you daddy. thank you for being my daddy and being the best one there is.

i love you.

i miss you.

be safe.

an "aha!" moment ...

2009-06-04T13:17:00.000-07:00

i mentioned on twitter yesterday that i was having my mind blown by a devotion i'd missed and was catching up on.

a portion of the devotion is below. i've just posted from where it started opening my eyes in a simple, and yet incredible, way.

i often find myself feeling like maybe i'll never have the things (read: not "things" but more like experiences, circumstances, etc.) i long for. but i'm so torn because the desire for these things is so powerful and is so deeply rooted within me. i can't imagine that God would put these yearnings in my heart and never intend for me to see their fulfillment. my assumption is always that i must want the wrong things. that i must have this vision for my life all backwards and obviously, it must not be what God really wants for me.

reading this i was like, hello! my dreams are God-given. and i can't achieve them by my own efforts, but by pursuing Him. definite light bulb moment.

so even in the face of things like a possible ruined cell phone, possible turmoil at work and all the other things that typically stress me out or get me down from day to day ... even with all of that, i have felt such peace.

so, if you will, see the devotion below. emphasis added by me.

Pursuing Jesus Above All

By Micca Campbell

Psalms 63:1, "O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirst for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water." (NIV)

What are you pursuing? What is it that you really want? Is it a successful career that you covet? Is it to be a musician, a doctor, or to author a book? Maybe it's a spouse you're dreaming of, or the desire to be a mom that you're longing for. Whatever your dream is, it's a God-given dream. In addition to giving you the dream, God has also given you what it takes to make your dream come true. We don't arrive at our dreams by our own efforts, nor can we make them come true all by ourselves. We get there by pursuing God.

I have found in my own life and ministry that when God reigns in my heart, blessings and opportunities pour down faster than I can make them happen myself. The best way to get where you're going is to surrender your dreams to God.

We are always in a hurry. God never is. While He has given us the vision of what we are to become, it may not be a reality in us yet. We have to let God work in our lives until we are ready. The dream is not what needs shaping. It's us. God often prepares us for our dreams through adversity in our lives.

Don't be discouraged if your dream seems unreachable. No matter what your circumstances are, God is at work shaping and preparing you for it. You and I may achieve some sort of success by our own pursuit, but it will never satisfy us like pursuing Jesus and waiting on Him to bring our dreams to pass.

When God alone is our true treasure, reward, and prize; when He is all we long for, seek after, love and adore, then He gives us the desires of our hearts. Only then are we ready to fulfill our purpose. No other person or thing can satisfy us like Jesus or prepare us for our God-given dreams. What are you pursuing?

Dear Lord, You know the dream I have tucked away in my heart. You know how I've longed for it to become a reality. I trust You today. I give You permission to work in my life preparing me for that dream. While You work, I will simply pursue You and be satisfied until my dream is a reality. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

a slice of that random

2009-06-02T12:00:00.000-07:00

a continuation ...

i can be quite obsessive. but not necessarily compulsive.

i judge people on their written or spoken grammar, spelling and punctuation. it's not a deal breaker or anything, it's just like the errors have red blinking lights and refuse to be ignored.

i didn't get that solo.

i'm okay with that. i feel like God is in control of even frivolous little things like that and He has a reason for everything.

i've turned into a little bit of a font snob.

i feel like maybe i took a wrong turn somewhere in life.

i sometimes wonder where i'd be if i had taken the right one.

i have filled the margins of my note-taking notebook at work with mini rants. rants at myself, at my boss, at life. flipping through it is like watching myself go through this journey again.

i am seriously good with kids. that sounds like bragging, but it's really true.

i'm afraid i'm failing at my job.

i think water is delicious.

i think it's really cool that my mom blogs.

i'm ridiculously interested in the entertainment world; the lives of those who put themselves on display for the rest of us to scrutinize.

i think that maybe i should have pursued writing. or teaching. or photography. i feel like it's too late.

i miss my friends who aren't friends anymore.

i wish i was braver.

i'm afraid of "what if" ... i try not to be.

i want to go stomp and splash through puddles.

i don't want to do it by myself.

i feel like i have a deep seated knowledge that, regardless of how i'm feeling right now or the way things appear, i will actually have a successful, happy life. beyond what i even imagine.

i choose to believe God put that knowledge there, and that it's not simple delusion.

i miss my daddy.

i didn't intend for this post to sound so melancholy!

cutthroat

2009-05-18T14:36:00.000-07:00

i have neglected you my little blog. i apologize.

so, we're coming up to our last concert of the year for our choir. we just got new music for a song last week.

i've decided that i want the solo in it. i didn't think, 'well, maybe, if i'm feeling ballsy, i'll audition ...'

no.

i thought, 'this solo is mine yo. (apparently determination passes through a gangsta filter in my head ... ) back off all you other wannabes ... i want this flipping solo and i will have it. end of discussion.'

this was a little unsettling for me. i'm not really that brave or openly competitive. i'm not sure where this possessiveness has come from. but i kinda like it.

usually, just thinking of auditioning causes waves of nausea and a clammy aura. but even now, i'm just kind of excited. a little knot in the stomach, yes. but mostly, really looking forward to it. i don't even really hope i get it. i just want it.

what's wrong with me?? i'm losing my marbles i think.

well, we'll see what comes of it all i guess.

p.s. if i get it, i expect to see y'all there! no punk-ing out!

well, when you say it that way ...

2009-04-30T14:15:00.000-07:00

why is sexism okay if delivered correctly?

"let's give her a few more packets of people to call. girls just sound better on the phone and you have work to do."

okay, maybe that's not an incredibly sexist statement ... but i'm sorry. i have work to do too. this is my first break today. and trust, it will be short. it's month end, i have to make sure all data is entered and squared away by the cut off time. i also have to prepare and assemble the month end reports, the week end reports, it's payday so there are checks to distribute, the charts and graphs have to be updated and printed and apparently we need a training calendar update. again. plus, i'm not coming in saturday so i can go to my dad's mobilization ceremony. so i should add to this list a seemingly endless number of phone calls to customers because i'm a girl so it'll sound better?

speak in a falsetto and get over it.

but.

coming from the person who said this, i almost feel more inclined to be a little flattered that he's implying i have a nice voice. so, apparently any feminist leanings go out the window when the proper spin and inflection is employed.

or.

maybe i'm just not nearly as girl-power as i thought. maybe. probably not though.

happy administrative professionals day!

2009-04-22T12:19:00.000-07:00

this is basically just a little post for me, wishing me a happy admin day.

yay me!

update: the first time i posted this i completely spelled professionals wrong ... some admin i am!

it never fails ...

2009-04-16T12:16:00.000-07:00

so, usually, right after i post about something i'm struggling with or upset about or frustrated by, it's only about a day or so before it comes to me how to get over it or why i shouldn't be upset or frustrated.

this time, it occurred to me that the reason it feels wrong to be fake-nice with people instead of showing my distaste is because it is. i shouldn't pretend to like someone, i should just like them. just because i don't love someone's personality traits doesn't mean that they are any less deserving of love and tolerance. if imperfect, totally undeserving me gets to be a child of God, loved and treasured despite glaring flaws, why wouldn't someone else?

so the answer is not, "put on a nice face and try to keep your dislike hidden" but rather, "turn inside and examine yourself, lift them up in prayer and realize that they are loved by God just as you are." that in itself is reason enough to show them kindness and love, because God would and He would want me to.

as usual, easier said than done. but i'll work on it.

puh puh puh poker face, puh puh poker face

2009-04-14T12:09:00.000-07:00

okay. i admit, that song is growing on me.

so, i've actually had multiple conversations recently about the fact that apparently, i have no poker face. one friend told me that i can't keep my emotions from showing on my face, another told me that if i dislike someone, it's pretty obvious. she said i'm not mean to them or anything, but that i'm generally warm to people, so when i'm dealing with someone i don't care for, it shows in a lack of that warmth.

i can't decide if this is a good thing or not. i mean, i guess in some aspects it's good. it means i'm typically not ever fake with people and that i'm pretty easy to read. but do i want to be easy to read? i tend to think not.

i like having an expressive face. i can usually communicate something to a perceptive person with minimal effort. but i think being able to mask the emotions i'm feeling is just as valuable a tool. perhaps even more so.

i'm pretty sure i used to have a poker face. i'm not sure when i lost it. or maybe, i was just blessed enough to never have encountered people in my life that i felt so strongly about that i couldn't hide it. or maybe, as one friend put it, i just have a lower tolerance for b.s. now.

every time i think, 'okay, i'm going to teach myself to be more neutral. i can make it so that he won't even know i don't like him.' i get a little disgusted with myself. how terrible would i feel if i found out that someone i genuinely thought liked me, actually didn't? so maybe the key is to never let them find out. i guess it comes down to whether it's more important to be "real" with people or to be universally kind.

i'm pretty sure the answer is universally kind.

hmmmm ... this will take some practice.

writing while angry

2009-04-13T14:30:00.000-07:00

i came across something i scribbled out one day while i was apparently incredibly upset. i guess it doesn't really apply anymore, but i was struck by how it flowed ... especially for something that i must have scrawled in the midst of some high emotions. i figured it deserved preservation, so here it is.

ridiculous. absolutely ridiculous. don't blame your lack of communication on me. i don't care if people see you for the JACKASS you are. i will not stand in to take the fall for you. you have to EARN that kind of loyalty. you have done nothing to earn that kind of respect from me.

maybe it's just because it's in my voice or because of the angry slant it was written at, but i could almost feel the intensity of the feeling behind it.

perhaps i just write better when i'm feeling very passionately about something. i don't think i want to get into why it would seem to be that the most passionate writing i have is negative ....

another day perhaps.

hoppy easter

2009-04-11T22:40:00.000-07:00

lol, okay sorry. i had to be cheesy for a minute!

(who am i kidding? i love cheesy. chessy is my middle name.)

i just wanted to wish everyone a happy easter. i hope you get to enjoy the holiday with people you love.

i hope you get to enjoy every sunday with people you love.

goodnight all!

gangster kitties

2009-04-09T20:12:00.000-07:00

is there some kind of kitty gang initiation that involves them bounding out of tall grass directly in front of oncoming traffic? because i really don't like being involved in it.

when i was in high school, a cat jumped out of a wheat field literally yards in front of my car, it was absolutely impossible to miss it. my friend and i freaked out, i'm pretty sure i cried.

a couple of weeks ago, a cat came jumping out of a ditch right in front of me on the straight stretch into town. it was literally like it was aiming for my front tires. i had to pull over.

other than these two, a possum darted out in the dark one night, and there have been two vveeerrrryyy close calls with deer.

i just don't understand why these kamikaze kitties seem to have a death wish. if they're really determined, more power to them. but if they're going to fail the initiation into the rogue kitty gang, then they need to stop using my car as the target.

dark clouds rolling in

2009-04-09T12:11:00.000-07:00

... literally. not metaphorically. the sky is getting really dark. it must be getting ready to dump buckets!

i've been feeling pretty good about things lately. things are definitely improving, or at least in the process of. i'm getting really excited about the future and i'm liking what's going on right now.

not to be a pessimist or anything, but i can't help but think that means some not so great times might be around the bend.

i'm really not a cup-half-empty kind of girl!

this post was originally going in a different direction, but it came off sounding far too negative. so never mind.

i think that things are pretty sort-of-okay right now and that means they can only keep getting better. there are definite dark spots, but i'm praying over those and i believe that God will handle them.

so, basically, this post was a nice way to waste my lunch break. mission accomplished! :)

the f(ailure) word is not an option

2009-04-08T14:34:00.000-07:00

not that there are a ton of people who read this or anything, but i'm going to throw this out there for accountability purposes ... mostly my own. if i want to run from it, i'll have to delete this post and get some M.I.B. technology to take to the few of you who do read.

by the end of april, i WILL have all things constituting "crap" out of my lovely squanto. (other than the motor, ceiling lining, driver's bucket seat and passenger side speaker - all of which could also be classified as "crap")

i would go on, but just in case i less-than-succeed ... i don't want to feel the sting of failure too powerfully. so after this works (because it will) i'll challenge myself with some more lofty goals.

baby steps. baby steps.

or lack thereof

2009-04-07T12:00:00.000-07:00

why is it that when i'm sitting at work, i have all this drive to get stuff done at home? on my break i start scribbling lists of what needs to be accomplished and what i'll do first to maximize my time frame. i make plans and lay out detailed step by step action items (complete with empty boxes to check!) on my lunch break. i fight the urge to want to leave work early, just so i can take advantage of this raging motivation and get a jump on checking off some of those boxes!
...

then i leave work. go home. let rocco out. maybe play the piano for a bit. look around with my hands on my hips. play the piano some more. decide to go to mac. spend the evening at leslie's/parents'/anywhereelsebuthome. go back home. go to bed. wake up. go to work. get excited for cleaning and organizing and checklists and accomplishment and renewed lifestyle all over again!

why is that?

some things about me

2009-04-05T15:50:00.000-07:00

i occasionally bump cheesy music in my car. it makes me feel better.

i wish i was 3 inches shorter.

i love watching the behind the scenes special features on movies. or watching the feature with the director's commentary on. it fascinates me to know how things are done.

i want to be a part of that one day.

i love shoes. it's truly an illness. i think they are fabulous.

i have a really hard time getting rid of things. i really want to. it's just hard to do it. i don't know why.

i love the way the keys clack when someone types quickly on a keyboard.

i daydream a lot.

i feel pretty strong convictions about things sometimes. currently it's the r-word.

i don't want to be all talk.

i want to own a gun.

i love that half awake, half asleep, still dreaming, waking up slowly feeling.

i wish i could play piano.

i love to sing. i won't do it in front of people most of the time but i wish i could. i really love singing.

i'm incredibly proud of my father.

i wish my life was different.

i think i'm really concieted sometimes.

i should be doing something else right now.

from the shelves of randomocity ...

2009-04-02T12:00:00.000-07:00

so, the night before last i had a dream that i was at my parents' house, at a children's birthday party. no idea who the child in question was. it was being put on by jon favreau for whatever reason. apparently, in this universe it was a business of his, putting on children's birthday parties. so he was sitting on the couch and i was chatting with him and i was like, "not to sound like a stalker or anything, but i follow you on twitter and i totally love the "geek tours" of your house! iron man rocks." and he said something along the lines of thank you. and i woke up.

last night, i had a dream that my friend was running away from her life and responsibilities. she was running to europe somewhere. i tried to physically restrain her from going, unsuccessfully. she got away, came back once, went again. i was upset because i wouldn't have enough money to buy a ticket to fly to convince her to come back. (because apparently phones aren't an option.) all of this was taking place at a big, museum type of building where an american-idol-judges-look-alike contest was going on. i saw the paula abdul look-alikes (from whom a winner was being chosen by paula) from a distance. i was right in with the crowd of kara dioguardi look-alikes and she was there to pick the winner, dressed all in white with a big floppy hat tilted a little over one eye, a white fur muff and a round, hat-box like purse. she told me i should look for the emmy rossum look-alike contest. i think i ignored her and was telling someone how frustrating it was that i couldn't afford to go after my friend to europe. i jokingly said to him, "unless of course, you want to buy my tickets. hahahaha." (he was apparently someone famous and wealthy, so it seemed an appropriate joke i suppose.) to which he replied that was fine, he would. i was in shock.

then i woke up to find that i had overslept all three of my alarms by two hours and was a good ten minutes late for work.

the joy of complaining

2009-03-30T12:14:00.000-07:00

there are a lot of people who complain about the ways things are in their lives. and complain, and complain, and complain. the same complaints, over and over and over again. i have to think though, if the source of the complaint was removed, it wouldn't actually make the complainer any happier. because, well, then what would they have to complain about?

i definitely can be guilty of this at times. whining about something mostly because i want the person i'm whining at to a) feel sorry for me, b) think more highly of me for dealing with *whatever* and/or c) side with me and make me feel justified in my unhappiness at the situation/person/people/etc.

but when i see that in myself, i find it really annoying. because i find it terribly annoying when other people do it to me. it basically sucks any real sympathy or empathy i would have felt for them and their situation right out of me after the fifth time i get to hear the same example of why this particular person is just so awful.

so, if i see a trait in others that i don't like, and i know that i can be guilty of it at times, i have to do whatever i can to change it. i've tried to nullify the "good" feelings that i think i'm getting by complaining. when i find myself thinking something like, 'i can't believe SoAndSo. i'm totally telling SomePerson about how awful SoAndSo is. SomePerson will understand.' i try to stop and assess ... will it really make me feel better to rant on about SoAndSo? or will it end up making me feel worse once the guilt sets in? usually, at that point, i've talked myself out of complaining.

ideally, "complaining" less will lead to less gossip and less beating myself up over not just keeping my mouth shut.

i think this was all very convoluted. the point is: some people complain for the good tingly feelings they get when others feel sorry for them. although they may think it would make them happy, fixing the problem would not help, because the point isn't the problem, it's the attention they get while complaining about it.

sidebar #1: if you're reading this, you're most likely not any of the people vaguely referenced in the preceding.

sidebar #2: all that being said, occasionally, a girl just needs to whine. what can you do?

LAAAAAAAAAME!

2009-03-18T06:56:00.001-07:00

that's really all i've got to say on the matter.

yeah, i get it. that doesn't make it any less lame.

you know who you are. and that was really super lame of you.

boo.

one handed blogging

2009-03-17T17:18:00.000-07:00

... is hard! i don't know how people can do the whole "hunt and peck" mode of typing. it's making me crazy!!

okay. hands free again. as crazy as one handed typing makes me, it's totally worth it when the other hand is busy cradling a sleeping peanut of a baby.

i am SO loving having my sister and nephew here. my brother-in-law isn't too bad to have around either, but he's not really around much. and he's being slightly douche-ish so it's mostly nice and peaceful to snuggle the baby and dye my sister's hair.

currently, we're sitting here, my sister with her second round of uber blonde dye in her hair. holden's chilling with his GI g-pa.

i'm already sad thinking about them leaving so soon. we still have a decent amount of time with them, but it's just not enough.

well, i'm going to have some dinner because it's almost time for choir. :]

peace out.

linkage

2009-03-15T18:37:00.000-07:00

so, i was thinking about putting the url for my blog on my twitter profile. but i was pretty sure i didn't want to.

i mean, there are certain people who read my blog, and that's all well and good. i would totally love for those people to be on twitter with me, but would i really love for anyone who's on twitter to be able to read my blog? maybe not.

kind of like, there are plenty of people that are friends on my facebook or myspace (jeez, it sounds like i'm some sort of social networking maven or something) but i wouldn't necessarily want all of those people to have access to my blog. but i wouldn't mind if anyone who reads my blog was friends with my on myspace or facebook. as a matter of fact, i think they all are.

so what is this saying? mostly, that my blog readers are a privileged bunch. (oh yes, indeed you are. :] )

but is there really a reason for that? i mean, i'd love to have more people reading my blog. i guess it's not like i blog about anything intensely personal. and if there was anyone who had a problem with something that i wrote about, well then, they don't have to read it. i am who i am and people don't have to like it. so why the crap not? why not break the barriers separating my different mediums of expression and make them available to any and all who care?

well, if i'm being honest, linking my blog from my twitter profile really won't bring in anyone new. one, maybe two people. so what the heck is my deal?

i don't think i'll go so far as linking my blog to my facebook or myspace yet. baby steps. i'll start with twitter.

i'm thinking this was basically a really pointless blog entry.

if you read it, i apologize.

later.

productivity

2009-03-14T18:21:00.000-07:00

i'm pretty sure i got more done today at work in a half day than i really accomplished all week.

i don't know if that is because on saturdays there are less immediate demands on my time, interrupting the flow of my work, or just because i've been in a bit of a funk this week and it was only yesterday that i was given an entirely effective motivational speech to snap out of it.

here are a few little snipplettes of said speech.

You are in control. you are in control of your own destiny, fate is non existent, dont believe in boundaries, exceed all your goals by taking what you want, when you want it. PERIOD

Pin your goals on everything, right them down on the mirror you look at yourself in everyday, make lists for everything, write everything down. MY NUMBER ONE THING IS, EVERYTHING and I mean EVERYTHING, takes hard, hard work, and practice. EVERYTHING. Nothing comes easy. So dont let anyone walk on you. You should be walking on them.

Energize yourself. Go to a place that brings you joy, sleep longer, and come here ready to beat the shit out of your work

Drive fast, listen to your music loud, yell at people, yell at everything

Attack Everything

There, now go feel better

seriously, much of this was just what i needed to hear. i can usually dredge up motivation for myself, pull myself out of a slump. but it just seems so much more effective when it comes from someone else.

i am very grateful for a friend who's perceptive enough to have seen that i needed a little pick me up, and nice enough to offer it. thank you!

trendy

2009-03-12T09:53:00.000-07:00

i've recently joined the social networking phenom that is twitter. at first i really didn't get it ... i'm actually still missing some vital abilities to maximize my twittering capabilities. i've figured out how to make a tiny link and how to reply to people or favorite a post. i think i know how to add a picture using twitpic or whatever. but i wish i knew how to upload a picture from my phone. i probably need a cooler phone for that.

anyway, twitter is really actually pretty cool once you get into it. i have a few "real" people on mine ... read: people i know in real life. i also follow some celebrity tweeters. (lol, i love twitter terminology) i don't think it's any different than following a celebrity blog except that they have less room to wax philisophical about whatever their current opinion is. i might even consider following john mayer's tweets, although i would never follow his blog. too annoying. actually, his tweets are annoying too.

one of my favorite things is when you go to "find people" to ... well, to find people to follow ... and the tag line is "Find people. Follow them." it's like a serial stalker's mantra.

so if you want to be super cool and stalk me on twitter, feel free! i mostly post my unimportant opinion and/or observations. and i text things into it when i'm bored. and if you set up an account, i'll stalk you right back! :] that should make your day.

reality check

2009-03-11T10:05:00.000-07:00

so i have no idea why this is hitting me so hard just now ... but i suddenly came to the realization that my dad is really leaving again.

i want to go crabbing with him once more before he leaves so i called him to find out when would be good for him and there's basically one day between now and when he leaves. i've known for so long, or at least in the beginning, suspected, that he would be going back. but i guess i was in denial or something. now suddenly, here it is. he's going to be gone again.

i hate it when he's gone. i hate knowing that i can't just call to ask him something or stop by and give him a big hug. i hate my car while he's gone. i hate being afraid of something bad happening. i can't even think about that.

ugh, okay. crying at work = not such a good option. i have to stop now.

i guess just please keep my daddy in your prayers. and my mom and sisters too. it's hard at home with a piece missing.

inverse relationships

2009-03-11T09:34:00.001-07:00

i have noticed that my boss's irritation with me goes up in direct correlation with how late i stay at work. the closer to "quitting time" ... the less happy he is. the later i work, the better. but no overtime ...

it's especially helpful that i normally get here before he does. if i do that and then stay until after he leaves, all without going into overtime, he's pleased as punch. even if my work habits don't fluctuate in any way. for example, nothing has changed now except that i've been leaving at or close to the appropriate time. still getting here earlier than him, still working the same. but actually seeing me leave seems to have a negative affect on my reflected worth. i wonder if he just pretends that when he leaves and i'm still at my desk and then the next morning when he comes in, there i am, that i simply stayed there through the night.

it's all very interesting.

possibly related: does my blogging increase with any correlation to an increase of negative feelings toward my boss?

watching out for me

2009-03-03T07:48:00.000-08:00

God is always watching out for me. in big ways and small ways. in ways i'm sure i never even see.

He protects me from my own stupidity, and from that of others.

there is a back woods, dinky country road that i drive on to go to and from work. in the middle of it, there's a stop sign. i'm not a big stop-sign-runner ... like, ever. but you can see for miles in both directions down the road that crosses mine. so i usually slow down significantly and look a few times in each direction, but then just go on through.

well, last week sometime, or maybe two weeks ago now, i did just that. i slowed way down and looked probably three times in each direction. nothing. so i crossed the road and as i got to the other side of the intersection, i glanced in my rear view mirror and there, just entering from the right was a red car. i have no idea why this car was going so slowly or where in the world it came from because i'm sure i didn't see it. i was really shaken up thinking through all the what-if's.

what if they hadn't been going so slowly? what if they had plowed right into the passenger side of my car? what if they had veered off the road trying to avoid a collision or something?

what if i had just stopped like i was supposed to?

so i thanked God profusely for keeping me safe and vowed to always stop at that sign. and i have been.

thank you God for protecting me, even if i don't deserve it.

difference

2009-03-02T11:03:00.000-08:00

this weekend i parted my hair on the opposite side of what i normally do.

i'm not sure why i thought people would notice. maybe just because to me, i look totally different.

i'm sure there's some deep philosophical meaning behind this discovery.

i have no idea what it is.

walk by faith

2009-02-27T08:39:00.000-08:00

i was reading through some past entries recently and i read this entry that i posted last june. i was thinking about making some big decisions and was really convicted by my devotion that day and even a friends' devotion.

as i was re-reading that entry and those surrounding it, it startled me what a similar situation i'm in now. especially after reading my own words of determination ... what happened? i let the time pass me by and allowed myself to slip again into the lull of normality. i just let life keep going without me. and here i am again, trying to implement my one year plan. trying to make changes. more determined than ever to go through with it all. reading that past entry has just encouraged me more i think because i can see the passion in my own words. yet i know the aftermath, i let that fire extinguish. knowing that, i'm going to do whatever i can to keep this one blazing to fruition.

my devotion today was titled "courageous living" ...

"How many times have you wanted to do something, plan something, or even dare to dream something, but were too afraid? You know deep within that your torment isn't right. You know you're missing out on life and opportunities, but you're too scared to do anything about it.

Those of us who live with anxiety are living below the mark of what we were created to be. Worry and its accompanying emotions are not and never were part of God's plan for His children."

thanks for the reminder God. i need a little ... well, maybe a big ... kick start once in a while.

drugs are my anti-drug

2009-02-26T15:38:00.000-08:00

so, i thought i was getting better. i was feeling pretty fabulous for a couple of days. my medicine started to dwindle so i figured i wouldn't take it every four hours as recommended, just to make it last a little longer. well, i quickly found out that i haven't been getting any better. i'm just the same. if not worse. but the drugs were getting me through. fooling me into being happy because i felt well-ish.

last night i took nyquil. not a lot more than the recommended dosage. like, a centimeter above the line. i slept like a baby. it was great. unfortunately, i somehow got the original flavor instead of cherry. apparently i've never had the original flavor before. it's like minty black licorice. yikes.

i bought more of what i had run out of and now i'm almost out again. i'm tired of feeling crappy and people holding up their fingers at me in an X when i come near them. i want to be able to tell people, "shut-up! i'm on antibiotics, i'm not contagious, i'll be better soon!" but i can't. i just have to look at them pathetically and tell them they're mean.

and if they truly are mean people, then they get an act of biological terrorism. i think it's already worked on one person.

i might be evil.

and the countdown continues

2009-02-25T10:22:00.000-08:00

just when i think things are settling down a bit and i'm feeling less like i wish i could fast forward the next few months, something new happens to make me grateful for a number on the countdown.

today i was actually called rude because i was asked at the last minute to step in for someone who's plate is beyond full and help them out. the rude part came in because stepping in for this person caused me to miss a normal weekly duty for someone else. (i completely forgot what day it was and was actually rushing to apologize when i was told how rude i was)

you know, my boss has actually tried on multiple occasions to stop allowing me to perform this once weekly duty. but i felt badly for the other people involved and fought for continuing it. it's not exactly an incredibly rewarding task. as a matter of fact, most of the time it's downright annoying and intrusive on my own schedule. and quite frequently it's a very demanding task (as in, i really need you to come do it immediately, this second or the world will end) and never much appreciated.

and this is the thanks i get? a bitchy attitude and a reprimand for the one time i missed it? (to help someone else no less. AND, it's not like it didn't get done. someone else just had to come do it.)

whatever. 340.

oregon days

2009-02-23T12:45:00.000-08:00

these are the kind of days that make people say i'm crazy for liking oregon.

the sky will suddenly darken dramatically. the raindrops start pattering on the roof. the sound grows louder and faster until the individual drops meld into a steady roar. the sky seemingly splits open and allows an angry torrent of water to come crashing out.

a few moments later, the intensity lessens gradually until only a few gentle drops are splattering here and there. and then it is still. the clouds seem to thin, the color lightening not quite to sunshine but a veiled version of it.

this cycle continues all day. maybe in late afternoon, a hole will break into the clouds. clear blue sky framed by a thick whiteish grey. a moment of true sunlight.

just as quickly as it appeared, the hole is swallowed up by the canopy again.

there is just something incredibly soothing about days like today.

345

2009-02-20T18:41:00.001-08:00

i have a countdown. i don't know if it will actually end up being accurate. it signifies a few different things.

one of them is being debt free. i'm really hoping it'll be accurate for that one. i'm working on it and i have some good help. and, realistically, i don't really have that much consumer debt compared to a lot of people. but it's still too much. and i don't make nearly enough money to just throw it away every month.

another thing is simple freedom. from what shall remain ambiguous. but the countdown is really only necessary because of this other thing. if there were any way to be free of it that didn't require a countdown, i would be ON it! but unfortunately, i don't think there is.

the countdown gets me through the rough days.

lately there have been a lot.

i do hold out hope though that it will ease up in the coming days. that hope gets me through too.

attn: dept. of homeland security ... this is a joke. (sort of)

2009-02-20T11:00:00.000-08:00

so, do you think if i'm sick and i knowingly breathe all over slash sneeze on someone else's things - someone i don't like and with the sole intention of infecting them - does that make me a biological terrorist or something?

i hope not. because it seems like it's something that would REALLY make me feel better.

i'm tired of crying at work. i blame the illness.

sometimes people don't report harassment due to fear of retaliation. well, is there a name for it when you don't want to leave work (fever, hacking cough and an entire box worth of tissues in a sopping pile in the trash bin notwithstanding) even though you're sick because you know your boss will hold it against you? i mean, maybe he can't legally tell you you have to work through your sickness, but you know it will affect you negatively? is there a label for that? besides douchebag i mean.

sorry. i blame the illness for lashing out like that.

i feel all shaky and achy and a little dizzy. i just want my pillow and my mom and some medicine. and maybe some chicken noodle soup.

okay. whine officially over.

sorry for whining. i blame the illness.

ridiculously ill

2009-02-20T06:21:00.000-08:00

i don't know if i have what's been "going around" or something altogether separate ... but i am miserable. if i list off my symptoms i feel like a nyquil ad. sniffly nose, cough, fever, achiness, sneezing fits and general disgustingness. everyone at work who's had this - if it's the same thing - has ended up missing a couple of days and had wonky sinus infections. and with how i feel, i would normally have NO problem staying home to recover.

however, i have far too much to do to miss work. yesterday afternoon around one i had gotten everything that i really could done for the day and i was feeling exponentially worse. plus all the people who generally need things from me were going to be in a meeting all afternoon. so i asked my boss if he would mind if i went to the doctor. his response was to ask me if i got this stuff done and did i ask this girl why she sent us the wrong numbers and then a long speech about why this girl is sending us the wrong numbers and maybe you should just call her over here and show her what we're talking about and now i'm going to the meeting.

...

i actually put my head on my desk and cried. (see? that's not a thing the normal, healthy me would do.) so i called the girl over, we worked some stuff out and then i was literally sagging over my desk so i just went home and went to bed. and i slept all the way until this morning. and i feel no better. a little worse actually. maybe i should call the doctor today. i wonder if they'd see me after 5pm ...

buzzzzing

2009-02-11T00:38:00.000-08:00

tonight, i was introduced to the. best. wine. EVER.

no joke. i mean, i had two glasses with dinner at dana's, then we went and bought a bottle and brought it home and i had about 3 more glasses. not like, wine glasses, like big glasses. it tastes like candy and the big bottle was like, 7 dollars. frickin awesome.

this was definitely the way to cap off a mediocre day. yay for pseudo alcoholism. :]

i love this freakin website

2009-02-10T12:28:00.000-08:00

this made me laugh soooo hard because it is totally a scenario i have found myself in at work.

ahhh, the humor.

mondays

2009-02-09T11:07:00.000-08:00

typically, mondays tend to be regarded as the awful day that not only brings the fact that your weekend is over screeching to the forefront, but also kicks off the work week and is the farthest day from next weekend.

however, i like mondays. mondays are a peaceful kind of day for me. i spend my morning at work in a meeting that i only kind of understand - this is relaxing in a way because my mind can wander and i can sort through things weighing on me, but it's also a little stressful to hear my name mixed into a whole lot of other things, not knowing exactly what's being said about me. but mostly it's relaxing. then, for almost every minute of the day beyond that, my boss is in other meetings. i'm free to go about my tasks without anyone over my shoulder or any additional demands on my attention. i just spend the day feeling so much more at ease.

plus, on monday nights i don't have any pressing engagements so it is a self pampering evening. a nice long bath with a book, fingers and toes painted, exfoliation, it's fabulous. and i watch indulgent, silly shows and hit my pillow at a decent time.

so now what to do about wednesdays ... ?

NOT the next american idol

2009-01-22T14:48:00.000-08:00

THIS is exactly why i will NOT audition for american idol. what if everyone i know has been placating me as this poor girls' family and friends obviously had been??

yikes!

having a plan - the solution to the worst of days

2009-01-21T14:26:00.000-08:00

today started off less than happily. in fact, it was one of the worst days in recent memory. not the worst day ever, not at all. in fact, it shouldn't even have been the worst in recent memory but it just hit me with that much force.

basically, if i were one of those, ruled-by-my-emotions, give-in-to-my-temper, walk-off-the-job-in-a-fit-of-fury types of people, i would have quit my job this morning. i bit my tongue until i could calm down and vent a little. i felt better at that point, but not 100%. but then i had some time in a meeting - where i was taking notes on stuff that i literally couldn't understand until someone translated for me - to sort some stuff out.

lately, obviously, i've been feeling like maybe my life is headed in a new and different direction. for some reason, it keeps popping into my head that maybe moving to california has something to do with that direction. i would never ever in my life have imagined wanting to move to california, so this seems a little strange. i've been spending a lot of time in prayer and reflection, trying to discern the correct course.

the other day, i was praying out loud in my car (something i do quite frequently. i should get a bluetooth so that at least people who see me won't think i'm crazy. even if i really am.) i was talking with God about what i'm supposed to do. i was saying how it feels pretty clear to me that i'm supposed to make some changes and that california is seeming like it's one of them. but how am i going to get there? what is the catalyst going to be that will cause me to leave my job - that i love, for the most part - and uproot myself and move someplace where i don't know anyone? that's so not me. i told Him it would be really helpful if i got some kind of clear direction, or some kind of sign or something ... i quickly amended that i would really appreciate if the catalyst was not me losing my job, although that would inspire the most prompt action i'm sure. just then, the radio - which i had turned way down to the point that you couldn't really hear it - played something that caught my ear. i turned it up in time to hear a line: "a kid from oregon, by way of california" ... and my jaw dropped. i listened to the rest of the song and then looked up the lyrics later. this is some of it.

Don't know where you're coming from but you're coming soon

[bridge]

To a kid from Oregon by way of California
All of this is more than I've ever known or seen

[chorus]

Come on and we'll sing, like we were free
Push the pedal down watch the world around fly by us

it's a great song. mat kearney. i was terribly confused because i was SURE i'd been listening to KLove ... but i could swear i knew that song from somewhere else. so i googled it and sure enough, his music has been featured on tons of tv shows, he's signed on a major label ... no mention of being a christian artist. but then my roommate informed me that she knew him because he started out small and he is actually a christian artist. anyway, it just totally threw me for a loop to hear this song that i was pretty sure was secular on a christian radio station playing this seemingly very key phrase ... definitely felt like God.

so then today. some stuff happened at work that just felt like the line was pushed. my boss has been a little out of control lately anyway. inexplicably turning against me and suddenly it's like i can do no right for him. it's been a little much to take but today was beyond that. it felt a lot like if i was a camel, this straw was breaking my back. luckily, i'm not a very rash person and i kept my head for the most part. but i realized later, perhaps this was just the catalyst i'd been asking for. didn't i say i'd rather not lose my job, but it would be helpful if it felt like there was a reason i should want to leave? and there you have it.

i started doing a little research into what other options i might have. and then in that meeting this afternoon, everything felt like it just clicked. i started scribbling down notes and came up with a loose one year plan for myself. i'm pretty jazzed actually. more and more keeps falling into place - on paper at least. i'm putting a couple of things into action tonight and i keep refining the plan, detailing it down to make it more doable.

i know that none of this will work without God's blessing and my own hard work. but i'm totally excited to see what comes of it. it's totally turned my bad day around 180 degrees. i'm thinking that i can definitely do another year of this life if it is actually working toward something else.

anyway, sorry for the mini novel. but i was just too excited to keep it all in!

new things

2009-01-19T14:12:00.000-08:00

last year, my former roommate and i made a sort of new years resolution to do one new and exciting thing each month of the year. i think we made it about 6 months before we lost our resolve. funny things, resolutions ...

well, there are quite a few things that i've always wanted to do and i'm starting to take action on some of those. my current roommate gave me a quick, crash course in playing chords on the piano and now i have a handful of songs that i can actually fake my way through ... it's so satisfying! it feels like i can actually play the piano! i still intend to talk to a woman i know about getting formal lessons and once i have a pretty firm grasp, my choir director is going to teach me jazz piano. also, a friend is going to fix up and give me his old guitar so i'm excited to fool around with that a bit too. i've half-heartedly plucked at my sisters' and learned a few chords. but it's just SO hard to get my fingers to obey and curl the way they need to.

even just the little skill i've gained on the piano feels like such an accomplishment though. i have missed that feeling. i know that i am capable of doing and learning and excelling ... far more capable than what i've let myself become.

i feel so much better now than i have lately. it's not because anything's changed. in fact, some things are actually worse than before. but i think i feel better because i've accepted that where i am now isn't forever. something is going to change. i can feel that there is change on the horizon. i'm still not totally sure how it will play out ... how much of it will just happen and how much of it i'll have to push for. but i know now that i'm ready. i'm excited even, looking forward to it. as much as i might lament about hating change, i know that usually, once it happens it's an exhilarating experience. almost always ultimately for the better.

i am so grateful to my friends who have been so supportive of me. listening to me whine on and on about the same old things, just needing to get them out. helping me come up with options and to look at things from another perspective.

thank you. more than i can even express. thank you.

inevitable movement

2009-01-07T11:04:00.000-08:00

my friend was telling me the other day about a time when she was younger and she was faced with a choice. she could participate in a program that would educate her, make her healthier and altogether be very beneficial to her future. the program would take one year to complete. she wasn't sure what she should do, a year seemed like a long time to spend doing something and she didn't know if she wanted to waste the time. she said her dad told her, "this time next year is going to come whether you do this or not."

i guess that's a totally simple sentiment. but i never really thought of that before. i've considered at different times, "man, if i would have just done this in the first place, i could be done by now." but i'd never really thought about it like, i can do this or i can not. but regardless, the time it will take will go by.

so i'm thinking that maybe school is something i just need to buckle down and do. because regardless of the fact that the program will take two years to complete, two years is going to pass. in two years, i'll be two years older. whether i'm two years older and still strumming along, doing what i've always done, or if i take a chance and try to make something more of myself, i'll still be two years older.

yesterday i was talking to another friend and going over all of this out loud - that helps me a lot - and i realized, i have nothing to show for myself. i've lived all this time and i have nothing significant to show for it. she's a little over six years older than me so she doesn't like it when i lament about aging. but i told her, she has a family, a home, a life. she has something to show for her age. in two years, i won't be too far from how old she is now and what? will i have nothing to show for it? i don't have a family, i don't have a house, i don't have a good car ... i don't even have a pet! am i really going to muddle along for two more years, just doing the same things i'm doing now and end up with nothing to show for myself? or should i just jump in and do something?

i'm beginning to feel a lot stronger about the second option.

is there ever NOT a crossroads?

2009-01-06T09:17:00.000-08:00

i think i want to go back to school. there's a school i really want to go to but there are a couple of obstacles.

first, it's in downtown portland and that's quite a commute, especially for my poor Squanto.

second, the night course option is from 5-10, monday through thursday. i have an indefinite tuesday night commitment already in mcminnville at 7.

also, the night option stretches the overall length of schooling to a little over 2 years. not that bad i suppose, but it just feels like a long time.

the day course option is from 9-5, tuesday through saturday for a little over a year. but i have a full time job that is a normal work week, monday through friday, 8-4.

so i don't know what i should do. do i sign up for the night courses, take a chance and say a prayer that my car can handle it, give up my tuesday night commitment for two years and get done? do i quit my job and get one in the evenings or at night that would be better suited for the day classes and finish school in a year? and if i do that, where do i take the schooling from there? as much as i really want to do this for a career, the way i want to use it would require relocating. i suppose i'm not as vehemently opposed to that as i once was. but then what?

i think the time has come to make some decisions and do something. it's easy to write about it, think about it, talk about it. it's much harder to put thoughts into action and make something happen. i don't want my life to be one of regret. but change is so friggin scary!

arg. this hasn't helped much. i think i feel more anxious now, putting that down into words, than i did before. that's not a good sign.

i over think everything.

understatement of the year.

real life

2008-12-29T13:55:00.000-08:00

well, i escaped from seattle finally and then lived through a half cancelled, drawn out Christmas. i'm back at work and real life.

i am totally struggling with some very serious feelings of apathy. i don't want to feel that way. but it kind of consumes me. i keep having these weird dreams. i don't really put a lot of stock in dreams holding deeper meaning or foretelling the future. i think that God can totally use them that way if He chooses, but i think that they're mostly what psychology tells us they are: your brain sorting through the problems you either couldn't or chose not to acknowledge in the light of day. that, and just random silliness based on what you've read, watched or hoped for. anyway, these dreams are just strange though. they're the kind that seem very real. the kind that, when you wake up, you're confused about reality because you really believe whatever scenario the dream put forth. they're not always about the same things, but lately they've all been very similar. when i wake up, after i realize it was just a dream, i still seem to hold this feeling of, "well, it's only a dream right now, but eventually it will be reality." i don't know if that just stems from the confusion after such a realistic dream or if i'm trying to tell myself something. like, maybe what the dreams are depicting is something i really want and maybe should think about working toward.

how silly is this? is the truth that i've just become so dissatisfied with my own life that i've deluded myself into thinking this dream life is one that will exist for me someday? i suppose that's possible.

i don't feel quite so physically achy lately. i think i know what has been missing ... or rather, what i've been neglecting in my life. it seems so stupid of me, to agonize over all of these trivial little things, chasing bits of dust in the sunlight when really, i believe everything would fall into place very nicely if i was just doing what i'm supposed to be.

i had a very nice, long conversation with an old friend the other night. i hadn't seen him in probably two years or so. things didn't end on the most perfect terms with us and i was a little nervous about our dinner. especially when the two people who were supposed to be joining us, our safety net if you will, bailed at the last minute and we decided to go anyway. but it was the farthest thing from awkward! it was very comfortable and very easy. and it became really clear to me that all the doubt and regret i've been holding on to about him and our whole situation was really unfounded. i made the right decision in the first place and i'm really glad to have that validated. it's nice too to have moved past feeling regret, remorse, doubt about it all. it's nice to just embrace our friendship for what it is. i hope he walked away feeling similarly.

alrighty. well, that's about it i suppose. just another messed up day in my head! :]

snow patrol

2008-12-22T03:21:00.000-08:00

i've stayed up all this night, trying to keep the weather from turning bad by sheer force of will.

well, that and prayer. i don't actually delude myself into thinking that my will has any kind of effect on what will be.

as of this moment, there are no snowflakes falling on this part of seattle. the last time i checked in with amtrak, my train was still scheduled to leave tomorr ... well, this morning. in just about 4 hours, i will be on a train headed home, if all goes according to plan. i mean, i guess it's not really according to plan or i might actually be sitting at shari's right now, having ridden the train home this afternoon. but the new plan. the new plan has me on a train at 7:30am. please God ... please.

i have so much to do! i need to get the dog that i'm supposed to be actively dog sitting back from his temporary home, i need to address the issue of unwrapped christmas gifts ... and un-purchased ones as well ... oy. i need to start breathing down the neck of my former property manager, as i am beginning to doubt this whole weeks-dragging-on-weeks-wait-is-standard-procedure-for-getting-your-security-deposit-back thing. i need pictures in the record breaking snow, i need to get to work so that i'm not a desolate, poor, homeless person for the new year. there are conversations to be had, rock band games to be played, snow angels and snowmen to make, snowballs to lob, coffee dates to lose myself in, books to re-read! i cannot sit here, stagnant and stranded! seattle, let me free!

okay, i should probably nap for at least a couple of hours. that way, if i AM riding the train 4 hours from now, people won't be pitying the poor crazy lady talking to herself in the last car.

although ... maybe i would get to sit alone in that situation ...

something to ponder ...

stranded

2008-12-22T02:31:00.000-08:00

so, i'm currently stranded in seattle. it's so snowy and beautiful. but not where i want to be stuck! i've had a great time just chilling with my wonderful, dear old friend alex. but it's getting close to christmas now and i just want to go home. i have friends that have come and are coming in from out of town for the holidays and i just want to hang out with them. :( i feel so stuck!

it's been nice chatting with my lovely friend. i've had a lot on my mind lately and it was nice to bounce thoughts off of a new perspective, get some fresh insight. it doesn't really change the fact that i still don't know what to do, what action to take, if any. it doesn't give me the answers i've been trying to find or solve any mysteries for me. but it feels better to have spoken some things out loud, come to grips with some things i'd never really vocalized.

i was challenged to make some real changes. some real, solid, forward motion. i really am tired of living in fear of change, fear of advance. i don't really know what the new will be. i just know that i need to be open to it. willing to accept it and embrace it and even chase after it if it's not simply falling into my lap. okay, just typing that last part made my stomach churn.

ugh. i don't know what to do. i don't know what's coming. i don't know how to prepare. i hate the unknown! i probably shouldn't. sometimes the unknown holds the best stuff. christmas and birthday gifts, surprise parties, unexpected visitors. :] then again, sometimes it's downright terrifying. suspense laden, ominous meeting requests from your boss, staring into the future considering what could be, or what might not ever be. it literally makes me physically ill to think about this all so much. alex actually started to get concerned that i might have some kind of stomach bug or something because it just wouldn't stop hurting. but i know it's in my head. because if i can distract myself long enough, in a good book or getting wrapped up in a movie or something, it goes away. at least, until i start thinking about it again.

i've been reading a really great series of books and i'm about 20 pages from being done with the last one. i keep putting it off though because i feel like once i finish i won't have an escape anymore. i'll have to think about reality rather than letting myself be absorbed into fantasy. what have i become? since when does real life scare me? since when is real life too much for me to wrap my head around?

i have this kind of throbbing hole in the center of me. i don't know if it's something that i need to fill or something i've just been neglecting. i can think of a few things in the latter category.

hm. perhaps this isn't the hour to be getting so deeply entangled in my thoughts. maybe a little sleep is all i need.

i kinda hate people sometimes

2008-12-17T14:36:00.000-08:00

you know, i just don't get people. i mean, if you want to be the cool guy, be all buddy buddy, no big deal ... fine. just do it. if you want to bring down the hammer and have things be just so, this is what needs to be done, period, end of discussion ... fine. just DO IT!

there is NO in between. there is a balance, sure. but you have to be smart enough to find it! there is the option of being a friend while also being a firm hand of guidance and instruction. it's not impossible. i've seen it done! you CANNOT be one extreme to someone's face and then proceed to storm around behind their back saying just the opposite. it's not professional! it's not good leadership! it's not even remotely polite!

if you want to be the man, then be the man. i'd have a lot more respect for you if you were. however, any kind of respect dissolves at lightening speed when you're a phony, slimy pushover. drop a pair for crying out loud! man up!

and another thing, i'm sick to death of listening to your thinly veiled expressions of distaste for your former ... whatever the hell she was. don't be such an a$$hole! you're not fooling ANYONE when you go off on some little tirade about how she is doing things all wrong and you think it's unprofessional and how you've talked to people about what a problem you think it is. i'm sorry, wasn't it only LAST MONTH that you told me to turn to her for EVERY question or problem that i had? praised her abilities and intelligence? basically told me to be just like her? WTF?! you are such a pig!!!

you know, i don't really know why i ever defended you to anyone. why am i always doing that? everyone will tell me something and i'll refuse to believe it. i try to make excuses for their behaviors and actions, find some reason behind it all. surely they're just misunderstood ... they can't really be as bad as people seem to think. i am almost ALWAYS proven wrong! why give people the benefit of the doubt? apparently i am a terrible judge of character.

ugh. you pretty much disgust me. i wish i had another option.

raindrops in my tea

2008-12-12T13:45:00.000-08:00

i refuse to get sick.

attn: germs ... you will NOT win.

today, i've had water, a couple of mugs of black tea with honey and airborne. i'm out of zicam and cold eeze or those would be on the list as well.

i'm kind of bumming today. not really sure why. some stuff today has made me a little melonchaly and some stuff from last night is really weighing heavy on my heart.

oh jeez, i just realized i can sing as low as diana krall on under my skin. that is an EXCELLENT sign that my voice is altered. hopefully i can still hit the high e in our concert tomorrow.

maybe karaoke last night wasn't such a good idea ...

i really hope it snows this weekend. i mean, i know it's not the best thing in the world for the plants and if i had to miss work my paycheck would take a big hit. but snow ... snow might be worth it. i love snow so much.

woah, the sky is totally all blue right now. madness.

i'm officially going to pull myself out of this funk. i don't like feeling gloomy. mind over matter.

i suppose that is all.

hasta peoples.

in the holiday spirit

2008-12-08T13:16:00.000-08:00

today at work i went out an picked out a christmas tree to bring in and decorate for our office. honestly, it's not that great of a tree because the really good one was nearly impossible to get to. but i'm excited to try to make it look nice and super festive. i dug out all my holiday decorations from last year that were in the back of a drawer. i need to go today and get some stockings and bring in puff paint so that our coaches can decorate one and we can hang them around. i also need to get some decorations for our tree. i'm thinking i'll go with a green and blue theme. just to make it look a little more polished.

my roommate and i are trying to get a piano. we found one for 60 dollars and should have the people and resources to move it but she went and looked at it and said it sounded like tin when she played it. we know it'll need to be tuned, i'm wondering if tuning would make it sound better or if that's just what the sound quality is.

i'm excited because next weekend i'm going to seattle to see some friends. i can't wait! it should be a lot of fun. i had to reschedule the whole thing so hopefully they're still able to make time for me that weekend. otherwise i'll be wandering around pikes place market all by my lonesome.

i hear rumors that it's supposed to snow at the end of this week or this weekend. i'm working really hard not to get my hopes up. but i sOoOoO luuuuuuuuvv snow it's a little difficult.

on my birthday i went to see twilight with my sisters and my roommate. for the second time ... i can't help it. i really like that movie. in fact, i really might go see it again. jeez, i'm such a 13 year old girl! oh well.

i went to an ugly christmas sweater party over the weekend. it was a lot of fun. a couple of us karaoke-d at the end of the night. i've never been karaoke-ing for real. it kind of sparked a little desire to do so. ... maybe when ana comes home.

i really want to have a big fun party for new year's eve. i've tossed around the idea of a masquerade. i don't know if i'd really have people who wanted to come or where for sure we'd have it. i mean, ana has plans. but scott and ben will be here. maybe we can have a party like the old days. hm. we'll see i suppose.

enough of the random.

the proverbial olive branch

2008-12-07T16:27:00.000-08:00

my friend and i are kind of having a thing right now.

lately she's been terribly flakey and has bailed on me in some really important times, times when i really needed her. i found this really frustrating and also confusing, as she isn't normally like this. i've brushed it off for the most part until last night. on my birthday, while i was sitting having some dinner and cake with my family she informed me that basically the plans i had for celebrating my birthday would not be happening as i had arranged. they would have to conform to fit her schedule, her life, her needs. i got really angry and stayed that way for a while. i had to call people who had set their work and family schedules around what i had planned and let them know i would no longer be able to follow through with those plans. i really didn't like having to do that. i held on to my anger until this morning.

i realized this morning that i hadn't asked my friend if she was available to come to, or was planning to come to, church. the only reason she has come to church at all is me, so if i'm fighting with her, why would she come? i felt very strongly convicted and got the sense that maybe this abnormal behavior she's been exhibiting is some kind of something that is happening in her, not on a conscious level, that is trying to push me away. if she can push me away, whatever kind of whatever it is that's pushing me away can continue living on in her life, unchallenged.

i won't back down so easily. i won't be pushed away by some secular disappointment.

so i've extended the proverbial olive branch ... birthday cake. i'm heading there with some now. how silly of me to even momentarily let something as petty as my plans get in the way of something so much bigger: God's.

stifling distaste

2008-12-05T13:22:00.000-08:00

my post yesterday did prove to be cathartic. however, it has also made me think.

if there is someone that i feel so strongly about, but no one else seems to see it, perhaps it's just me.

i'm thinking that this is something i'll just have to let rest.

how do you act kindly to someone and be consistently nice, polite, even friendly, without being fake?

actually, i know what i need to do.

the only thing that ever heals emotions and quiets a restless dislike is prayer.

the Bible says to pray for your enemies and those who persecute you.

i'm sure those who annoy you fall into the same category.

i'll try to be a better person and pray for this situation before it escalates from what it is to some kind of raging hatred.

feuds and taking sides are so immature and have no place in my life, personal or professional.

i'll work on it.

not a child

2008-12-04T15:53:00.000-08:00

i am truly not a child. as much as people assume i'm 18 or 19, i really am not. in fact, on my birthday on saturday i will be 24. now i realize that a lot of people would scoff at that and tell me i'm still a baby and on and on and on. and that's fine. i like being young. i realize i'm not but i'm starting to feel old. sometimes i miss being a child. i miss not having to think about major life issues, no bills, no rent. not having to work. being able to just be and no one had a problem with it. i still like it when my dad gives me big, long hugs that make me feel like a kid that he can protect from anything. i like it when he helps me change my oil or figure out what's wrong with my car or when he swoops to my rescue when i'm desperate and everyone i thought i could count on bails on me. i like it when my gramma and grampa hug me tightly and my grampa calls me "sis." and even though he's getting older, he'll insist on lifting something heavy for me. i like it when my gramma fusses over me, making sure i'm not hungry, that i don't need anything. i even like it when the good ol' boy type guys i work(ed) with call me kiddo or my dear or darlin' or whatever.

h o w e v e r. i do NOT like to be treated like a child by someone who is my peer. someone who is in ABSOLUTELY no way, shape or form in charge of me. i do not like being talked down to in such a transparent way that it's hard for my reaction to be anything other than a blank stare. i mean, looking out for someone is one thing, but speaking to a person who is not your subordinate as if you were their first grade teacher is absolutely disrespectful and insulting. thinly veiled contempt and an obvious superiority complex are not something i can easily tolerate.

i don't know. maybe it's really poorly expressed insecurity. i doubt it.

if i were someone who enjoyed drama and being in the middle of it i would say this and more to someones' face.

unfortunately, i am not. i am someone who will blog about this anonymously in hopes that it will be a cathartic experience and i will feel better. better enough not to punch anyone.

to a friend

2008-11-29T19:52:00.000-08:00

i hope you know that, no matter what opinion you express to me, no matter how strongly we both stick to our guns in a disagreement, i'll never like you less. i think that people who have identical opinions and views on life aren't really meant to be friends. how old would it get if every discussion friends ever had was like,

"i think this."

"i completely agree."

"cool. me too."

*barf!*

something that's always bothered me ... i totally get not letting your past control or dictate who you are. i think it's way healthy for people to move past what has happened in their past and not use it as a crutch for life. however, and i may be WAY off base here, sometimes i think that maybe you DO care about what happened. i think maybe you tell yourself you don't or maybe really think you don't because i'm sure caring about it would really really hurt. but i think that caring about it, getting really pissed off about it, would maybe help you realize that you don't "think you're a better person than you really are deep down." you ARE as great of a person as you can imagine. i think that's awful to sell yourself short like that! i think that you need to be really really pissed off about what those people did to you because you do NOT deserve for ANYONE to treat you like that. i think that those people robbed a big chunk of your self worth and self confidence and that is WRONG! i don't know, like i said, i may be way off base. but i really do think that those things are related.

anyway, again, just know that no matter how hard we both argue for our side of an opinion or how silly or ridiculous you think my views on something are or vice versa, even in those moments, i still love you. if i didn't have anyone in my life who expressed an opposite opinion of mine, when would i ever be challenged to really look at what i think and why i think it? and it goes the same the other direction. i hope you don't ever think that you can't tell me that you think that God isn't real or that it's stupid for me not to click "start communication" or that our dump should keep expanding. i'll tell you that you're wrong, you'll tell me that i'm dumb and you're right, we'll both be quiet for a while and then adam levine will come on the radio and we'll talk about how much we love him. in those moments, i'll never think, ugh, "why are we friends? i can't stand this girl." (haha, even if i say, "i can't believe we're friends" ... sorry. that one just comes out. i swear i don't mean it.)

i don't know if any of this made you feel any better or made you mad or made any sense. but i just hope you know, you're my friend, no matter how many midnight showings of twilight you make me go to. just like, hopefully, i'm your friend, no matter how many times i put everything off until the last minute and then need you to kick me in my ass to get me going.

love you 4real.

-me.

people i want to punch in the face

2008-11-13T15:40:00.000-08:00

do you have anyone in your life that you just want to be unnecessarily violent to? somebody who's name popping up on your caller ID prompts you to have visions of just punching them square in the nose*? even if they're not doing anything particularly nerve-grating ... just the sight of their name makes your fists clench and your eyes roll?

no? just me? okay.

there are whole groups of people though that i fully want to junk punch. or crack them in the skull hard enough to maybe fracture through the density in hopes that a little bit of common sense might accidentally slip in. such as:

deadbeat dads --> the people that fall into this category include, but are not limited to, men who divorce their pregnant wives; sperm donors who have to be wrung out like a moist cloth to get a drop of financial support but become possessive and controlling of "their little girl" when the mom trys to move on with her life; anyone who's first reaction to hearing a former partner is pregnant is "it's not my kid"; and the like.
closed-minded, know-it-all bigots, on either side of the political spectrum (i just don't understand how anyone can think that their opinion is the way, the truth and the only option, no matter what opinion they have.)

i dunno, i guess that's it for now.**

* please be aware, in my vision of punching someone square in the nose ... it's a lot more like a cartoon punch in the nose ... not at all graphic or gross. because i would feel WAY too badly to really hurt someone like that for no good reason. the deadbeat dads on the other hand ...

** my apologies for this angry sounding post. i'm not even in a bad mood, i swear!

retraction

2008-11-06T19:24:00.001-08:00

***correction***

i am obviously NOT a computer genius seeing as how my blog roll is not doing what i thought it would.

i'm so confused.

********

i think if our IT guy could make little pocket sized, take home versions of himself, he'd make a KILLING!

fyi

2008-11-05T16:06:00.000-08:00

i'm a super genius because i totally figured out how to use blog roll.

that is all.