stranded

so, i'm currently stranded in seattle. it's so snowy and beautiful. but not where i want to be stuck! i've had a great time just chilling with my wonderful, dear old friend alex. but it's getting close to christmas now and i just want to go home. i have friends that have come and are coming in from out of town for the holidays and i just want to hang out with them. :( i feel so stuck!

it's been nice chatting with my lovely friend. i've had a lot on my mind lately and it was nice to bounce thoughts off of a new perspective, get some fresh insight. it doesn't really change the fact that i still don't know what to do, what action to take, if any. it doesn't give me the answers i've been trying to find or solve any mysteries for me. but it feels better to have spoken some things out loud, come to grips with some things i'd never really vocalized.

i was challenged to make some real changes. some real, solid, forward motion. i really am tired of living in fear of change, fear of advance. i don't really know what the new will be. i just know that i need to be open to it. willing to accept it and embrace it and even chase after it if it's not simply falling into my lap. okay, just typing that last part made my stomach churn.

ugh. i don't know what to do. i don't know what's coming. i don't know how to prepare. i hate the unknown! i probably shouldn't. sometimes the unknown holds the best stuff. christmas and birthday gifts, surprise parties, unexpected visitors. :] then again, sometimes it's downright terrifying. suspense laden, ominous meeting requests from your boss, staring into the future considering what could be, or what might not ever be. it literally makes me physically ill to think about this all so much. alex actually started to get concerned that i might have some kind of stomach bug or something because it just wouldn't stop hurting. but i know it's in my head. because if i can distract myself long enough, in a good book or getting wrapped up in a movie or something, it goes away. at least, until i start thinking about it again.

i've been reading a really great series of books and i'm about 20 pages from being done with the last one. i keep putting it off though because i feel like once i finish i won't have an escape anymore. i'll have to think about reality rather than letting myself be absorbed into fantasy. what have i become? since when does real life scare me? since when is real life too much for me to wrap my head around?

i have this kind of throbbing hole in the center of me. i don't know if it's something that i need to fill or something i've just been neglecting. i can think of a few things in the latter category.

hm. perhaps this isn't the hour to be getting so deeply entangled in my thoughts. maybe a little sleep is all i need.