and so it goes

my sister and my baby nephew are in town visiting for a couple of weeks and, as such, i have been more than slightly preoccupied. i spend all my time at work or at home, thinking that i should be spending as much time as possible with them because soon, they'll be gone again.

well, in reality, it's not as bad this time as last time they were here because this time i'll be going back with them. i'm excited to travel somewhere new and to see where they'll be living but i can't say that i'm thrilled at the prospect of sweating it out in texas. muhng.

i really do thrive on travel though. i didn't really have the opportunity to travel much when i was younger, as being part of a family of seven tends to limits those options.

but in my advancing age, i find myself passing the time based on the next time i get to go somewhere or do something. ever since i went to visit my sister in missouri last may, it's like, where should i go next? and when will i be able to afford to go?

the affording part is a pretty major factor. so i invest a lot of effort into getting that "vacation feeling" out of the little things. a day or two at the beach here, a friday afternoon off (usually just for a doctor's appointment or something) to lengthen the weekend there ... holiday weekends are the best. well, the only downside really is that by the time the next workday rolls around, i've had plenty of time to really dive deep into that vacation brain and returning to my desk and my lovely computer monitor is that much harder.

perhaps i need a job that will require me to travel. when i was in high school, i toyed with the idea of being a flight attendant. i don't know if that's really the ideal career path for me, but i like the idea of what kind of opportunities it would afford me.

the trouble comes in this: i am a coward. i have big dreams, big ideas, sometimes even big plans, and then, somehow, they just don't happen. i can't say that i've ever regretted something i've taken a chance on, but i so rarely take that chance.

what to do? keep trucking it out at my current job, be the best darn team coordinator i can be? apply for that inventory position in a different area and learn a whole new language of plant names, item numbers, bloom times, standard sizes and lot availability? move far away and try to start something completely new? quit my job and live slash sell bootlegged movies out of my car? (perhaps i'm being dramatic.)

inevitably it always comes back to that one basic fact. i am a coward. i will not pursue anything that is too scary or risky. i won't take that step, that leap. of faith. faith.

i'm missing something key here. i can feel it.

what have i missed out on so far in this life due to my cowardice? what will i miss out on in the future? what am i missing out on right now?

i can't say. i can't even venture a guess. because it hurts too badly.

but maybe that's what life should be. painful growth to achieve betterment. (betterment is a word. i know, because i just invented it.)

okay. i'm going to think about this. i'll keep you updated.

(ha! spellcheck says "betterment" is already a word. i'm smarter than i know! :) )