So Little

I have so little to say.

I mean, that's not true. If you've ever met me, you KNOW that's not true. I could talk to you for hours about nothing special.

But I feel like I'm all talked out. I have nothing more to say on the subject. I guess I could say that I feel helpless, out of control. Not in a good way, like things will just go as planned. But like, free falling, someone please show me which way is up kind of way.

There's so much I want to be different. So much change I long for.

And yet, when it really boils down to it, I resist change. Who am I kidding? I shove change away with two hands, feet if necessary. But why? It's all change for the better. Good change. Healthy change. Happy, desired, life improving change! Why am I so so resistant?

I used to openly hate change. I thought I learned to embrace it. Almost every change I've adopted in my life, willingly or not, has been for the exponentially better. So what the fricking heck is my problem?

I need to stop now. I'm just getting annoyed at me and that's not helping anything.

Good night, my much neglected blog.

Take A Breath

In reviewing some past emails and blog entries I have come to the following conclusion: I am very skilled at using a WHOLE lot of words, to say nothing at all.

The How And The Why.

Why is it that one person can say something to you, and although you know the words are kind and sweet and possibly even something many people wish someone would say to them ... instead it makes your skin crawl a little and you get inexplicably irritated and angry about it?

But no, even imagining someone you would want to say something like that saying it, it doesn't fit. Perhaps because the reason you're imagining that specific someone is exactly because they would probably never say something as sappy and irritating as that?

Why is it that paths never meet as you think they should? I firmly believe that I don't have the answers, that my ideas of what would or should be perfect are far from what may actually be so. I believe if things are supposed to happen, they will. But how is it that vision can be so clouded that you really believe it's supposed to be one way, even when it's clearly not going to be? What is that delusion that keeps you stuck there? It seems too dark to be hope.

Things are rarely easy, and that's okay with me. I'm not asking for easy. I'm just asking.

Blerg.

Is it so wrong to just want to be rescued?

I'm feeling a little down lately. Nothing too dramatic I guess. We all go through ups and downs in life, I guess I'm just on a bit of a downswing lately.

I don't really like it though. I don't like snapping off the radio because all the stations are just playing peppy songs that are annoying me or searching for the one awesome, slightly depressing song that I just want to listen to over and over again.

I don't really have anything to say.

Blah.

Sigh.

There's the boy I like, and the boy who likes me.

If only they were the same person.

It Bugs

I'm pretty sure I totally know what's bugging me now.

The bad thing is, it's me. So I can't exactly get away from it.

The good thing is, it's me. So I can totally work on fixing it.

I'm annoyed at my own stupid self and my own stupid attitudes and my own stupid tendencies.

Like I said, the nice thing about that, is that I can change me. It's about the only thing I can change ... so I best get to it.

The Funk That I Am In

I'm feeling this weird hostility toward going to work tomorrow. I can't figure out why exactly. I mean, I have some ideas, but even those don't really make a lot of sense.

If you break it down piece by piece, I love going to work. I love most of the people there, I love the work itself most of the time, I like the setting we're in, I like getting off work at a decent time. I even like the commute okay. But I'm just feeling this overall resentment toward it. It's not the specific person I have distaste for. I'm used to that and, although she's extra kinds of crazy lately, I don't let that keep me up at night.

It could be carryover feelings from my other job. I KNOW I'm feeling resentment toward that. I feel like I maybe want to quit, but maybe I'll take a leave of absence first. Some time away from it might help. I don't know if those feelings are just tainting the way I feel in general, or if there's really something specific out there that's bugging me.

Such a useless post. Not solving or furthering anything. I may delete it.