So Little

I have so little to say.

I mean, that's not true. If you've ever met me, you KNOW that's not true. I could talk to you for hours about nothing special.

But I feel like I'm all talked out. I have nothing more to say on the subject. I guess I could say that I feel helpless, out of control. Not in a good way, like things will just go as planned. But like, free falling, someone please show me which way is up kind of way.

There's so much I want to be different. So much change I long for.

And yet, when it really boils down to it, I resist change. Who am I kidding? I shove change away with two hands, feet if necessary. But why? It's all change for the better. Good change. Healthy change. Happy, desired, life improving change! Why am I so so resistant?

I used to openly hate change. I thought I learned to embrace it. Almost every change I've adopted in my life, willingly or not, has been for the exponentially better. So what the fricking heck is my problem?

I need to stop now. I'm just getting annoyed at me and that's not helping anything.

Good night, my much neglected blog.

anticipation

i was told by my inside source that i'm on the list for interviews with for the job i applied for. i haven't received an official call saying so, but i'm trying to wait patiently. i've already started taking some random things home from work so that i won't have a ton of stuff to pack up when the time comes. i've already started focusing on all the positive things that would come from this new job.

i guess i should really try not to get ahead of myself, but if the pay is even a bit comparable, i really believe i'll take it. it's time.

prayers are always appreciated. thank you. :)

quick mental break

today i worked through our normal break time, but am now finding myself in serious need of a mental step back. so here i blog.

this is currently the desktop on my computer:

yes, pictures of my incredibly adorable nephew have even taken a slip to this. this is what i need. i need to burn it into my brain. think it, breathe it, eat it, drink it. this needs to be my mantra. i need to remain focused.

it's so easy to wander. well, the focus is what wanders. i stay still. that is the problem.


are you happy?

do you want to be happy?

change something.

take this jay-oh-bee

i probably started this on 15 different trains of thought. or maybe, ultimately, it was the same train of thought and i just tried to start 15 different ways.

regardless, (sidebar: how much do you hate when people say things like irregardless? it bothers me SO much!) none of it was really going where i wanted it to.

so today, we'll suffice it to say: *different* is on the horizon. and i couldn't be more excited.

(haha, "irregardless" was the only word spellcheck didn't recognize in this post. buah ha ha ha ha!)

i made my cell phone depressed

my cell phone is inherently optimistic. i text using the predictive text function and when i enter "1, 1" for an emoticon face, it is always a smiley face first. i have to push "next" once to get it to be a frowny face or more times for something else, like a winking face or a kissy face, etc.

apparently, i changed it to the frowny face so many times that now, it gives me the frowny face first. my phone was happy by default and i took that away.

so what was i always needing a frowny face for? what's so bad about my life that my text messages always needed frowny faces? i can't figure that out. i think i've been in a funk lately where nothing has seemed good. i don't know if the solution to that is moving far away, moving somewhere new in town, going to school, becoming a nanny, getting my hair cut ... i just don't know yet.

this is what i do know.

• something has to change. something has to be different. my life is not meant to be this stagnant thing, sitting still, gathering dust. and that's what i've let it become.


• i know that God has a better plan than that for me and i am trying to be quiet and listen for His solution. i know He is trying to tell me something, i just need to shut up long enough to hear it.

that is not a very long list of "what i know" ... that should tell me something right there ...

conviction

thank you God for being persistent with bull-headed me. i don't know why you have the patience for me, i barely do.

i've been completely stressing about this whole thing. i hate the thought of leaving security and sure-ness. i've been talking out the details with myself, my friends, my family, my hairdresser ... practically anyone who will listen. i've made myself sick thinking about it. i've prayed for guidance. "God, just make it clear what you want me to do so i don't have to worry anymore. please help me."

today, my daily e-mail devotional was about walking by faith.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
Hebrews 11:1

it talked about stepping out of what is comfortable and into an adventure of obedience and discovery of God's trustworthiness. and walking by faith and not by sight. i think in reading that devotional, it was the first time i saw that phrase visually. i have sung those words in countless songs, "i will walk by faith and not by sight," and yet it was only today and i truly grasped it. i imagined being blindfolded and led around unfamiliar terrain. i don't know if i would trust my own sister to do that. i would be peeking out of the blindfold. it finally hit me that God has a plan for my life and, no matter how many times i've said those words, "God has a plan for my life," i've never really put myself out there, made myself vulnerable to that plan. i've just puttered along in my own version of what i figured was what God wanted.

then, i got an e-mail from my friend Jessica, who is also my boss at the church. she forwarded her daily devotional and talked about how moved and humbled she was by it. the devotion was about words carved into a wall in a concentration camp.

I believe in the sun, even when it doesn't shine.
I believe in love, even when it isn't shown.
I believe in God, even when He doesn't speak.

it went on about how the man who could carve out those words in the situation he was in was obviously a man of strong faith. and she followed with her own account of how God stretches her byond her comfort zone and how much better she feels when she stops worrying about things and lays them at God's feet. how we are called to walk by faith and not by sight and to trust an unseen God.

okay God, i hear you. i can't guarantee that i won't be stupid and get all wrapped up in my head again, but i thank you that you won't give up on me even if i do. please help me to have faith in you and your divine plan for my life. your will be done always, amen.

pros and cons

i'm trying to make some big decisions right now. my friend wants me to move somewhere with her. she's pretty much up for moving anywhere, but we're talking about california. this is consuming my thoughts, my dreams, my every waking moment. i hate having to make big decisions ... okay, correction: i hate making any decision. "where do you want to eat?" "oh, i don't care. where ever you want is fine." in high school, i established a rule that whoever wasn't driving had to decide where we were going, since driving required enough concentration without adding that extra effort into it. *note: i was the first of all of my friends to have my license and a car so i was always driving. this rule worked REALLY well for me. i don't even like having to decide which movie we should rent or where we should get take-out from, so needless to say, trying to decide if i should up and move out of my apartment, sell a bunch of my stuff, quit my really great job and move somewhere i've never really been before in the hopes of finding a job and an apartment and possibly going to school ... this is petrifying.

i've begun a pros and cons list. so far, it is as follows:

some things cancel each other out and are crossed out to illustrate.

CONS:
- expensive
- far from home
- scary
- can't take car
- miss various family events; birthdays, camping trips, etc.
- have to leave my job
- leave my apartment
- leave bff's
- give up thursday nights
- give up PartyLite
- give up working at church
- miss kids at church
- miss Jessica and her kids
- have to find a new job
- meet new people
- miss church services

PROS:
- something i've never done before
- meet new people
- may never have the chance to do something like this again
- there will be other camping trips and birthdays
- live somewhere new
- put myself in a position where school is an option
- i don't really love my apartment anyway
- can stay connected to bff's and Jessica and kids through myspace(although it's not the same)
- can stay connected to family, friends through phone, blog, etc.
- what is are you really gaining from thursday nights anyway?
- PartyLite will still be around whenever you come back, and it's also available down there
- can probably come back to job at church if necessary, been doing it for 6 years, time for change
- no car insurance
- if in school, no student loan payments


this is what i have so far. i'm sure i'll update with more later.

crap. i just counted and i have 8 pros and 8 cons.

:[ i hate making decisions.