The How And The Why.

Why is it that one person can say something to you, and although you know the words are kind and sweet and possibly even something many people wish someone would say to them ... instead it makes your skin crawl a little and you get inexplicably irritated and angry about it?

But no, even imagining someone you would want to say something like that saying it, it doesn't fit. Perhaps because the reason you're imagining that specific someone is exactly because they would probably never say something as sappy and irritating as that?

Why is it that paths never meet as you think they should? I firmly believe that I don't have the answers, that my ideas of what would or should be perfect are far from what may actually be so. I believe if things are supposed to happen, they will. But how is it that vision can be so clouded that you really believe it's supposed to be one way, even when it's clearly not going to be? What is that delusion that keeps you stuck there? It seems too dark to be hope.

Things are rarely easy, and that's okay with me. I'm not asking for easy. I'm just asking.

fingers crossed

i currently have four irons in the fire by way of options for new employment. one of them i would maybe take if it was offered, one i would most likely take if offered, but i wouldn't mind terribly if it wasn't, one i would probably really enjoy and one of them i would squeal and do a happy dance if i got it.

they all have their pros and cons, even the happy dance one which is half an hour away. and i know this isn't the climate to be looking for work or to be picky for that matter.

but i would really appreciate prayers. maybe prayers in the general leaning of the happy dance one.

oh happy dance, how i wish to dance you.

loosening the death grip

see Krissy? it's funny you should have written about that ...

last night i was alone at my house. which tends to lead to staying up too late reading, doing nothing, intending to do something valuable. which invariably leads to the air conditioner creaking repeatedly and me repeatedly thinking it must have been something other than the air conditioner and where is a dog to sound the barking alarm when i need one?

SO, it also leads to a lot of prayer. mostly prayer for my sanity to return and stop letting my imagination scare me. but being alone afforded the opportunity for prayer out loud. prayer that feels more like a conversation. quiet spaces where solutions and suggestions and gentle (or stern if they're more in my own voice) rebuffs materialize in my thoughts. i guess i could be the only one who does this. (i guess, for that matter, i could be certifiable.) but i find it calming.

the overall resulting feeling of my late night conversation was one of peace and reassurance. i know that God hasn't forsaken me. He hasn't forgotten about my dreams and desires and hopes and wishes. i really think that He's just been waiting. waiting for me to let go, and stop trying to force my will. it's not about my will. and the longer i try to make it so, the farther i'll get from what i want. what i believe is wanted for me.

the trust fall is perhaps the hardest thing i remember having to do as a kid. i barely trust myself to keep me on two feet ... you want me to just tumble willy nilly into the arms of kids who are friends at best, distasteful brats at worst? and TRUST that they'll support me from cracking my head on a rock and being the first kid to die at the ropes course? are you DELUSIONAL?! but i did it.

if i was willing to make such a blatant physical statement of trust and faith in a bunch of snotty fifth grade kids, what's holding me back from falling into the arms of the only One i know will truly never let me down? what has happened in my life so far that would prove that i know better? or that He can't be trusted?

so i'm prying my fingers loose from their steely grip on control (how laughable. as if i've ever had control of anything.) and trying to relax. trying to float gently down into the only place that really is worthy of faith. i believe He'll take care of it all. and now i'm actually going to live that.

conviction

thank you God for being persistent with bull-headed me. i don't know why you have the patience for me, i barely do.

i've been completely stressing about this whole thing. i hate the thought of leaving security and sure-ness. i've been talking out the details with myself, my friends, my family, my hairdresser ... practically anyone who will listen. i've made myself sick thinking about it. i've prayed for guidance. "God, just make it clear what you want me to do so i don't have to worry anymore. please help me."

today, my daily e-mail devotional was about walking by faith.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
Hebrews 11:1

it talked about stepping out of what is comfortable and into an adventure of obedience and discovery of God's trustworthiness. and walking by faith and not by sight. i think in reading that devotional, it was the first time i saw that phrase visually. i have sung those words in countless songs, "i will walk by faith and not by sight," and yet it was only today and i truly grasped it. i imagined being blindfolded and led around unfamiliar terrain. i don't know if i would trust my own sister to do that. i would be peeking out of the blindfold. it finally hit me that God has a plan for my life and, no matter how many times i've said those words, "God has a plan for my life," i've never really put myself out there, made myself vulnerable to that plan. i've just puttered along in my own version of what i figured was what God wanted.

then, i got an e-mail from my friend Jessica, who is also my boss at the church. she forwarded her daily devotional and talked about how moved and humbled she was by it. the devotion was about words carved into a wall in a concentration camp.

I believe in the sun, even when it doesn't shine.
I believe in love, even when it isn't shown.
I believe in God, even when He doesn't speak.

it went on about how the man who could carve out those words in the situation he was in was obviously a man of strong faith. and she followed with her own account of how God stretches her byond her comfort zone and how much better she feels when she stops worrying about things and lays them at God's feet. how we are called to walk by faith and not by sight and to trust an unseen God.

okay God, i hear you. i can't guarantee that i won't be stupid and get all wrapped up in my head again, but i thank you that you won't give up on me even if i do. please help me to have faith in you and your divine plan for my life. your will be done always, amen.