fear

i love when my devotion is intended specifically for me and it speaks straight to my heart.

an excerpt: (emphasis added by me.)

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"For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control."

2 Timothy 1:7

Healthy fear warns us of danger and prepares us to react appropriately. However, the type of fear referred to in this verse is an unhealthy fear. It gets in the way of what our heavenly Father has already given us: His power, His love and His self-control.

Unhealthy fear overwhelms us with doubt and insecurity; it drains our spiritual life and physical strength. It steals God's peace from our hearts, and robs us of joy in our daily lives. It causes us to become stagnant; unable to move ahead with the things God has planned for us. It's important to remember that unhealthy, paralyzing, controlling fear is not from God. It is one weapon our enemy Satan uses to interrupt, discourage and destroy our relationship with our heavenly Father.

Are you living with unhealthy fear? Are you ready to replace it with the courageous and confident hope that's found in trusting God alone? By placing our hope in God and not in our circumstances, we're able to alleviate unhealthy fear. With God, we can face any giant in our path with confidence.

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confidence. not something i excel in. and how many times have i complained that i feel my life becoming stagnant, never moving forward?

my basic conclusion is this: insecurity is a manifestation of fear. fear (unhealthy) comes from Satan. God provides perfect peace.

i struggle with insecurity so much, i don't even really consider it a struggle. it's just a part of living, part of humanity, part of being a girl. it can be crippling, paralyzing. i am so often encouraged in things, for example, singing. there are so many people who compliment my voice, encourage me to sing more, without fear. and yet, all i ever hear is my own internal monologue reminding me of that one guy who made a cringe-type face while i was singing that one time or the solos that went to someone else.

i want to live without this handicap. i obviously can't do it myself, but if i can embrace the peace that God has for me, i think i can overcome it. i need to remember to ask Him to fill me with serenity when i find myself in these petrifying situations. because if His peace is filling me, where would the fear fit?

sweet Lord in heaven

so ... i'm an idiot. i have this trip planned for my birthday, right? i'm going to go to LA and Disneyland and i get to go to a movie screening and a comedy show and possibly a taping of Conan and just hang out and see cool stuff in LA that i only get to read about normally ... right?

okay. so i bought plane tickets when i had the money and they were on super sale because i was pretty sure i would need them. i planned everything and budgeted everything out, i managed to plan the trip to be really fairly inexpensive. it was going to be awesome.

but then. hours at work got cut. pretty drastically. oh, but we get to claim unemployment to make up the difference. great! except for some reason, even though i'm approved for benefits, each week i claim it's denied. so i'm sitting here, not able to pay basically any of my bills, desperately trying to keep my bank account afloat, not able to continue setting aside the small amounts i needed for my trip. it's not looking good. so some things get altered. one day less at the park, no big deal. still, can't afford it. but i'm not going to call off my trip. i know that if i'm supposed to go down there, somehow (read: only by the grace of God), things will fall into place. that's just how it works for me. in a last ditch effort, i ask my mom to give me a loan in lieu of a birthday present. but she can't. so i'm pretty much effed. i am getting cash from my mom for my birthday and half of my christmas gift money and i know i'll get a little something from my gramma too. i have just enough in savings that maybe, just maybe i can make this work.

tonight. i fly out tomorrow morning. it's down to the wire. i log on to my online banking to see just how bad it's going to be and consider cutting it down to only one day in the park instead of two.

wha ...

my balance has grown by quite a significant sum.

i got approved for unemployment. for the first time. the only time? i don't know. but it's just enough that everything is going to be just fine.

i literally cried you guys. i truly don't understand why God blesses me so much. continually. it's inexplicable and undeserved. i am so so truly blessed and so incredibly grateful.

Disney or bust!

the time has come, the walrus said

well, i officially applied for a different full time job this week. i found out that i'm on the list for interviews, but that the job doesn't pay as much as my current one.

initially, this made me count this out as an option. i also know the preschool at our church is hiring a part time teacher for a 3:30 to 6:30 shift. if i shuffle my hours at my current job a little, i would still be working withing the limitations they've set, but i could leave early enough to work in the pre-school as well. those will be some long days if it comes to that.

then this afternoon, after my boss had left work, he called me from his cell phone and reamed me out for about five minutes. all of the details aren't important, but basically he wanted me to finish a project but i hadn't received all the information i needed to complete it and he spent a long time telling me that i should have been hounding people for the information every day until i got it. (never mind that these people are salaried managers and were expressly told, by him, to get me the information. apparently, according to him, they are incapable of doing that unless i continually and consistently nag them for it. but that's not really the point.)

in the moments after i hung up the phone, i felt so angry and frustrated (and slightly worthless) that i thought, you know what? for a little peace of mind and a lot less stress, maybe i'd be okay with making less per hour. at this point, it might end up being more per week.

at the very least, if they call me for an interview, i'm going. i firmly believe that if it's where God wants me, it will all work out. that's just the way it is.

moving forward

i have such a hard time with change. i think pretty much everyone does on some level or another. but i really struggle with it, to the point where i don't usually accept it until it's forced on me. even if it's obviously for the better.

i was just told today about a job that i should really probably do everything in my power to get. it's full time, 10am to 6:30pm, benefits, etc. i don't know how much it pays, but likely, it's equal to or greater than what i make now. it seems like something i could do easily, but also get to learn a lot of new stuff.

my problem comes in when i think about leaving my current job. even though i know it's likely a smart move to leave, i obviously suffer with some crazy underlying guilt issues. and the fear of change. i like my friends at work, i like eating lunch with them and knowing what's going on in their lives. i like so many people i work with. i feel like i'd be abandoning them to leave. despite glaring warning signs that i should probably jump ship.

in the end, i think i need to do what's best for me. i need to remember that it's still possible to be friends with people even if you don't see them at work every day. and that it's not my responsibility to squeak by paycheck to paycheck just because someone lays a guilt trip on me for mentioning the possibility of leaving.

i think i get the most peace knowing that my decision is in God's hands. in my experience, when i've really wanted to do something and it hasn't been right, doors have been closed. arrows have pointed me away. other times when there were things i was on the fence about or had no intention of doing at all, pieces just fell into place, like a path being laid out before me. i think that God makes it pretty obvious to me if certain things are His will or not, my job is just to stop being so thick skulled so that i might actually see it.

these next couple of weeks could get interesting.

loosening the death grip

see Krissy? it's funny you should have written about that ...

last night i was alone at my house. which tends to lead to staying up too late reading, doing nothing, intending to do something valuable. which invariably leads to the air conditioner creaking repeatedly and me repeatedly thinking it must have been something other than the air conditioner and where is a dog to sound the barking alarm when i need one?

SO, it also leads to a lot of prayer. mostly prayer for my sanity to return and stop letting my imagination scare me. but being alone afforded the opportunity for prayer out loud. prayer that feels more like a conversation. quiet spaces where solutions and suggestions and gentle (or stern if they're more in my own voice) rebuffs materialize in my thoughts. i guess i could be the only one who does this. (i guess, for that matter, i could be certifiable.) but i find it calming.

the overall resulting feeling of my late night conversation was one of peace and reassurance. i know that God hasn't forsaken me. He hasn't forgotten about my dreams and desires and hopes and wishes. i really think that He's just been waiting. waiting for me to let go, and stop trying to force my will. it's not about my will. and the longer i try to make it so, the farther i'll get from what i want. what i believe is wanted for me.

the trust fall is perhaps the hardest thing i remember having to do as a kid. i barely trust myself to keep me on two feet ... you want me to just tumble willy nilly into the arms of kids who are friends at best, distasteful brats at worst? and TRUST that they'll support me from cracking my head on a rock and being the first kid to die at the ropes course? are you DELUSIONAL?! but i did it.

if i was willing to make such a blatant physical statement of trust and faith in a bunch of snotty fifth grade kids, what's holding me back from falling into the arms of the only One i know will truly never let me down? what has happened in my life so far that would prove that i know better? or that He can't be trusted?

so i'm prying my fingers loose from their steely grip on control (how laughable. as if i've ever had control of anything.) and trying to relax. trying to float gently down into the only place that really is worthy of faith. i believe He'll take care of it all. and now i'm actually going to live that.

an "aha!" moment ...

i mentioned on twitter yesterday that i was having my mind blown by a devotion i'd missed and was catching up on.

a portion of the devotion is below. i've just posted from where it started opening my eyes in a simple, and yet incredible, way.

i often find myself feeling like maybe i'll never have the things (read: not "things" but more like experiences, circumstances, etc.) i long for. but i'm so torn because the desire for these things is so powerful and is so deeply rooted within me. i can't imagine that God would put these yearnings in my heart and never intend for me to see their fulfillment. my assumption is always that i must want the wrong things. that i must have this vision for my life all backwards and obviously, it must not be what God really wants for me.

reading this i was like, hello! my dreams are God-given. and i can't achieve them by my own efforts, but by pursuing Him. definite light bulb moment.

so even in the face of things like a possible ruined cell phone, possible turmoil at work and all the other things that typically stress me out or get me down from day to day ... even with all of that, i have felt such peace.

so, if you will, see the devotion below. emphasis added by me.

Pursuing Jesus Above All

By Micca Campbell

Psalms 63:1, "O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirst for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water." (NIV)

What are you pursuing? What is it that you really want? Is it a successful career that you covet? Is it to be a musician, a doctor, or to author a book? Maybe it's a spouse you're dreaming of, or the desire to be a mom that you're longing for. Whatever your dream is, it's a God-given dream. In addition to giving you the dream, God has also given you what it takes to make your dream come true. We don't arrive at our dreams by our own efforts, nor can we make them come true all by ourselves. We get there by pursuing God.

I have found in my own life and ministry that when God reigns in my heart, blessings and opportunities pour down faster than I can make them happen myself. The best way to get where you're going is to surrender your dreams to God.

We are always in a hurry. God never is. While He has given us the vision of what we are to become, it may not be a reality in us yet. We have to let God work in our lives until we are ready. The dream is not what needs shaping. It's us. God often prepares us for our dreams through adversity in our lives.

Don't be discouraged if your dream seems unreachable. No matter what your circumstances are, God is at work shaping and preparing you for it. You and I may achieve some sort of success by our own pursuit, but it will never satisfy us like pursuing Jesus and waiting on Him to bring our dreams to pass.

When God alone is our true treasure, reward, and prize; when He is all we long for, seek after, love and adore, then He gives us the desires of our hearts. Only then are we ready to fulfill our purpose. No other person or thing can satisfy us like Jesus or prepare us for our God-given dreams. What are you pursuing?

Dear Lord, You know the dream I have tucked away in my heart. You know how I've longed for it to become a reality. I trust You today. I give You permission to work in my life preparing me for that dream. While You work, I will simply pursue You and be satisfied until my dream is a reality. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

it never fails ...

so, usually, right after i post about something i'm struggling with or upset about or frustrated by, it's only about a day or so before it comes to me how to get over it or why i shouldn't be upset or frustrated.

this time, it occurred to me that the reason it feels wrong to be fake-nice with people instead of showing my distaste is because it is. i shouldn't pretend to like someone, i should just like them. just because i don't love someone's personality traits doesn't mean that they are any less deserving of love and tolerance. if imperfect, totally undeserving me gets to be a child of God, loved and treasured despite glaring flaws, why wouldn't someone else?

so the answer is not, "put on a nice face and try to keep your dislike hidden" but rather, "turn inside and examine yourself, lift them up in prayer and realize that they are loved by God just as you are." that in itself is reason enough to show them kindness and love, because God would and He would want me to.

as usual, easier said than done. but i'll work on it.

life's too short

last sunday, a friend and i attended a party at our mutual friend’s house. it was a small get together, just her husband, a few of her friends from church, her mom and sister, a long time family friend. some people had children and brought them and they played outside with our friends’ daughter. her husband used to be a chef so he had prepared some fancy little sandwiches for our party. he tried to make sure everyone ate plenty, warning them that if they didn’t they’d have to take some home with them for later. he pulled the nozzle hose from the sink and showed us how he’d positioned their daughters’ swing outside in perfect range for him to spray them through the kitchen window screen. he kissed his wife and said how lucky he was to have her, told her mom they needed a picture of her and her husband to add to their mantle. he waved goodbye to us as we left and thanked us for coming.

last night the friend i went to the party with tried to visit our friend at her place of work, but she wasn’t there. my friend was informed that they weren’t sure when she’d be back because her husband had died. i saw him sunday. on wednesday he was gone.

as shattering as that felt, we then found out that he committed suicide. the original story was that she came home from work to find him. the true story that she told us: he told her he was tired of being in pain (he had a back problem that made his feet hurt and go numb i guess) but then he took his nightly medication and headed to the bedroom. she heard what she thought was maybe the television remote control smashing against the bedroom wall and went in to find that it had actually been a gunshot. their nine year old daughter, i’m assuming, was in the other room.
i was told by a friend that when someone dies, maybe someone you don’t know terribly well, an acquaintance possibly, it’s hard to accept. say they die in a tragic car accident, it hurts and it’s difficult to get past. but for some reason, if they commit suicide, it just feels so much heavier. it’s so much harder to wrap your head around. i think she’s right. i started off being terribly sad about it all. what a waste. how tragic. but now i’ve really more moved on to anger. i can’t seem to grasp how anyone could be so selfish and cowardly. maybe that’s a little harsh. but really, if you’re going to do something like that, couldn’t you have the decency and consideration for your wife to not do it while she’s within feet of you? couldn’t you have the foresight to do whatever you could to preserve your little daughters innocence and mental well-being? couldn’t you think about the fact that your wife, and most likely your daughter as well, will blame themselves and ask why didn’t they do something differently? if only this, this and this … maybe they could have prevented this all?

i know there’s a reason for everything. even things that i think are horrible, i know God has a purpose for all that He does. but i can’t help but think how unfair it is that now my friend has to raise her daughter alone. or that her daughter has to grow up without her dad. without her dad to teach her how to drive a stick shift or walk her down the aisle when she gets married. i know that there’s a reason. but that doesn’t make it any easier.

Tagged

I'm so honored to be tagged for this! :] Now let's see if I can think of some non-lame random facts about me ...

1. I sing slash talk to myself all the time. Seriously, people probably think I'm crazy. I love to sing, especially jazz music. The moment I'm alone in my office, I hit play on my music and sing all by myself. Then I look like a freak because it startles me when someone comes in, since I'm lost in my own little world of singing. I probably jump 3 feet every time.
2. I always push a cart when I got to the store. Even if I absolutely know I'm not buying anything, I get a cart and push it around the store. (Lol, I think that makes me sound even more crazy.)
3. My heart physically hurts when I think about people that I miss or things that I don't like. (i.e. my dear friends moving away, my daddy going back overseas, my sister and brother-in-law living so far away with my soon-to-be nephew, etc.)
4. Maybe everyone has this, but I have an acute smell-memory. Certain smells take me back to very specific memories. There's a certain handsoap that must have been used at the camp where I was a counselor because when I use it, I'm right back in that camp. Lucky Brand perfume - I love love love the smell of it, but a girl I was once very close friends with wore it so when I smell it, it makes me think of how unpleasantly things ended between us. My Elizabeth Arden perfume smells like summertime, and evenings in May or June make me think of pre-summer school-time apathy.
5. I have ophidiophobia. Fear of snakes. Not like, funny ha ha either. No, fake ones, pictures of them, ingenius pranks, these are not even remotely amusing. In fact, they're a good way for me not to trust you anymore.
6. I over think everything. Absolutely everything. I believe the only reason my life ever moves forward is because eventually I wear myself out, thinking about and weighing options and I am forced to let go. And then God handles it.

This is where it gets sad because, I don't have 6 blog friends. And one of the only ones I do have has obviously already done it.

Oh! I know what I'll do, I'll put this on my myspace. I have plenty of myspace friends. Some who might even do it. :]

My MySpace

*Note: Due to restrictions, I won't actually be able to post this to MySpace until probably Wednesday. Ana, I'm totally tagging you. :] I miss your face.

The Rules:

1. Link to the person who tagged you.

2. Post the rules on the blog.

3. Write six random things about yourself.

4. Tag six people at the end of your post.

5. Let each person know they have been tagged.

6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up.

i made my cell phone depressed

my cell phone is inherently optimistic. i text using the predictive text function and when i enter "1, 1" for an emoticon face, it is always a smiley face first. i have to push "next" once to get it to be a frowny face or more times for something else, like a winking face or a kissy face, etc.

apparently, i changed it to the frowny face so many times that now, it gives me the frowny face first. my phone was happy by default and i took that away.

so what was i always needing a frowny face for? what's so bad about my life that my text messages always needed frowny faces? i can't figure that out. i think i've been in a funk lately where nothing has seemed good. i don't know if the solution to that is moving far away, moving somewhere new in town, going to school, becoming a nanny, getting my hair cut ... i just don't know yet.

this is what i do know.

• something has to change. something has to be different. my life is not meant to be this stagnant thing, sitting still, gathering dust. and that's what i've let it become.


• i know that God has a better plan than that for me and i am trying to be quiet and listen for His solution. i know He is trying to tell me something, i just need to shut up long enough to hear it.

that is not a very long list of "what i know" ... that should tell me something right there ...

conviction

thank you God for being persistent with bull-headed me. i don't know why you have the patience for me, i barely do.

i've been completely stressing about this whole thing. i hate the thought of leaving security and sure-ness. i've been talking out the details with myself, my friends, my family, my hairdresser ... practically anyone who will listen. i've made myself sick thinking about it. i've prayed for guidance. "God, just make it clear what you want me to do so i don't have to worry anymore. please help me."

today, my daily e-mail devotional was about walking by faith.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
Hebrews 11:1

it talked about stepping out of what is comfortable and into an adventure of obedience and discovery of God's trustworthiness. and walking by faith and not by sight. i think in reading that devotional, it was the first time i saw that phrase visually. i have sung those words in countless songs, "i will walk by faith and not by sight," and yet it was only today and i truly grasped it. i imagined being blindfolded and led around unfamiliar terrain. i don't know if i would trust my own sister to do that. i would be peeking out of the blindfold. it finally hit me that God has a plan for my life and, no matter how many times i've said those words, "God has a plan for my life," i've never really put myself out there, made myself vulnerable to that plan. i've just puttered along in my own version of what i figured was what God wanted.

then, i got an e-mail from my friend Jessica, who is also my boss at the church. she forwarded her daily devotional and talked about how moved and humbled she was by it. the devotion was about words carved into a wall in a concentration camp.

I believe in the sun, even when it doesn't shine.
I believe in love, even when it isn't shown.
I believe in God, even when He doesn't speak.

it went on about how the man who could carve out those words in the situation he was in was obviously a man of strong faith. and she followed with her own account of how God stretches her byond her comfort zone and how much better she feels when she stops worrying about things and lays them at God's feet. how we are called to walk by faith and not by sight and to trust an unseen God.

okay God, i hear you. i can't guarantee that i won't be stupid and get all wrapped up in my head again, but i thank you that you won't give up on me even if i do. please help me to have faith in you and your divine plan for my life. your will be done always, amen.

guilt

i hate getting sucked into drama and gossip. and yet, there is some perverse part of me that, in the moment, enjoys it.

rest assured, i beat myself up over it afterward.

'why are you so dumb?! every time! every time, you say you won't do it again. look at how awful you feel right now! will you please remember this next time?'

i like to think that, for the most part, i'm pretty good at not passing along gossip and not necessarily believing everything i hear about people or situations. it literally makes me feel ill when people are hissing out negative comments about other people. or when someone decides not to like one particular person and then seemingly makes it their mission to make everyone else see that person the way they do. i absolutely hate it!

so imagine how much disdain i hold for myself when i allow my sinful nature to have control and participate.

i think the worst part is how much i love it. there is some sort of perverse enjoyment in being involved. some sort of sick gratification that comes from being included, not being the one they're talking about. it's a brief thrill, as i imagine most unhealthy habits are. a quick high followed by crushing, shameful remorse.


in my effort to better myself, this is definately a priority. i know that my resolve will be tested and i pray that God gives me the strength to stand up for what i know is right, rather than simply agreeing with what is easy.