gimme gimme!

do you know people who's first thought upon meeting someone is, "what can i gain from this relationship?" are YOU one of those people?

i have a friend like that. every time she meets someone it's like the first thing out of her mouth about them is, "well, they're really good at such and such, so here's how that could benefit me."

i know people who do stuff. (wow. lamest statement ever.) my uncle is a mechanic, but i don't feel like i should ever ask him to do something for me at any kind of discount. much less expect him to! one of my classroom volunteers is a hairdresser. i would feel funny asking her if she could cut me a deal on a hair cut. i work with a computer GeNiUs. i ask his advice sometimes but i feel guilty if i ever actually ask him to do something for me personally.

maybe this all ties back to my inexplicable guilt complex? (again, that's a whole separate post. or perhaps, a series of posts.) maybe it's totally acceptable to expect people to bestow their goods or services on me because we're family/friends/acquaintances/coworkers? i don't know. i don't think it's okay. i don't think it's attractive. in fact, i think it's pretty darn ugly.

***please note*** this is considered a "blind item." basically, if you're reading this blog, i'm probably not going to write about you. i'm not that much of an idiot. however, if this is convicting to you, that's a whole different ball of wax. perhaps if this strikes a chord with you, you should examine WHY that is.

twitaholic

wednesday night i went to Ben's graduation party and saw some old friends that i haven't seen in probably two years or so. it was nice to catch up! well, in person. one of them is someone i follow on twitter, Anna. she follows me as well. @annalog81807 if you're interested. she and her husband Mike were talking about how i tweet a lot. i know i do. i can't really place a finger on why, other than maybe the same reason i blog. but shorter and more convenient. i don't really know exactly why i blog though either ... self exploration/improvement/investigation? pure, unadulterated narcissism? ... Mike was talking about how she gets a text and she's excited and then it's like, "oh, it's just Lindsay on twitter." but she swore up and down it's okay because she finds it interesting. (i choose to believe that because, realistically, if it annoyed her as much as i fear it might, she could easily stop receiving my updates on her phone ... )

then last night, Ben and i had milkshakes with some people at shari's and we were talking again about how much i tweet. Ben only follows a very small handful of people on twitter. i think it's up to six now. so he showed me his twitterific app on his iPhone and how it is FILLED with my face. just me, over and over and over and OVER again. occasionally someone else. then more me. for some reason it was totally embarrassing! like, i need to just shut up already!

so i promised to reign it in for at least a weekend. if nothing else, perhaps it will break my habit of seemingly immediately reaching for my phone to put everything that i think is even remotely entertaining on twitter. (i should point out, Ben also insisted, although slightly less convincingly, that it wasn't like he thought i should stop. just that it's a lot.)

i have to say, it's been a little hard so far. it's not bad at work, i've been terribly busy anyway. but even just last night, every funny quote ... it was like it needed to be shared!

in thinking about it, i decided: so i tweet a lot. and? if someone really doesn't like it, it's pretty simple to unfollow. go for it. (and then i will be really sad because i'll totally take it personally. it's what i do. i can't help it.) but i'll keep tweeting. because SOME people find it funny. SOME people find it entertaining, or even interesting at times. even if SOME ... is me.

this is me. take it or leave it. if you want ...

(i'm working on not being a people pleaser. and guilt. omg, guilt will have to be a whole separate post. so much guilt.)

guilt

i hate getting sucked into drama and gossip. and yet, there is some perverse part of me that, in the moment, enjoys it.

rest assured, i beat myself up over it afterward.

'why are you so dumb?! every time! every time, you say you won't do it again. look at how awful you feel right now! will you please remember this next time?'

i like to think that, for the most part, i'm pretty good at not passing along gossip and not necessarily believing everything i hear about people or situations. it literally makes me feel ill when people are hissing out negative comments about other people. or when someone decides not to like one particular person and then seemingly makes it their mission to make everyone else see that person the way they do. i absolutely hate it!

so imagine how much disdain i hold for myself when i allow my sinful nature to have control and participate.

i think the worst part is how much i love it. there is some sort of perverse enjoyment in being involved. some sort of sick gratification that comes from being included, not being the one they're talking about. it's a brief thrill, as i imagine most unhealthy habits are. a quick high followed by crushing, shameful remorse.


in my effort to better myself, this is definately a priority. i know that my resolve will be tested and i pray that God gives me the strength to stand up for what i know is right, rather than simply agreeing with what is easy.