shut up and DO IT!

so you don't like who you are? you don't like how you look, how you feel, how you exist? well, acknowledging that was a good step. good for you.

now what?

so you write about it. you pray about it. you make lists and plans and schedules. you dream dreams, map out ideas.

and then?

is that it? really? you're just going to keep looping around in this, "i'm not happy with who i am so i'm going to work on changing that" self-help guru sounding garbage, but not actually do anything about it?

stop being an idiot! stop treading water! stop stalling, making excuses for yourself, whining and procrastinating. TAKE ACTION!

you're making me sick. please. get over yourself and just do it already.

an "aha!" moment ...

i mentioned on twitter yesterday that i was having my mind blown by a devotion i'd missed and was catching up on.

a portion of the devotion is below. i've just posted from where it started opening my eyes in a simple, and yet incredible, way.

i often find myself feeling like maybe i'll never have the things (read: not "things" but more like experiences, circumstances, etc.) i long for. but i'm so torn because the desire for these things is so powerful and is so deeply rooted within me. i can't imagine that God would put these yearnings in my heart and never intend for me to see their fulfillment. my assumption is always that i must want the wrong things. that i must have this vision for my life all backwards and obviously, it must not be what God really wants for me.

reading this i was like, hello! my dreams are God-given. and i can't achieve them by my own efforts, but by pursuing Him. definite light bulb moment.

so even in the face of things like a possible ruined cell phone, possible turmoil at work and all the other things that typically stress me out or get me down from day to day ... even with all of that, i have felt such peace.

so, if you will, see the devotion below. emphasis added by me.

Pursuing Jesus Above All

By Micca Campbell

Psalms 63:1, "O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirst for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water." (NIV)

What are you pursuing? What is it that you really want? Is it a successful career that you covet? Is it to be a musician, a doctor, or to author a book? Maybe it's a spouse you're dreaming of, or the desire to be a mom that you're longing for. Whatever your dream is, it's a God-given dream. In addition to giving you the dream, God has also given you what it takes to make your dream come true. We don't arrive at our dreams by our own efforts, nor can we make them come true all by ourselves. We get there by pursuing God.

I have found in my own life and ministry that when God reigns in my heart, blessings and opportunities pour down faster than I can make them happen myself. The best way to get where you're going is to surrender your dreams to God.

We are always in a hurry. God never is. While He has given us the vision of what we are to become, it may not be a reality in us yet. We have to let God work in our lives until we are ready. The dream is not what needs shaping. It's us. God often prepares us for our dreams through adversity in our lives.

Don't be discouraged if your dream seems unreachable. No matter what your circumstances are, God is at work shaping and preparing you for it. You and I may achieve some sort of success by our own pursuit, but it will never satisfy us like pursuing Jesus and waiting on Him to bring our dreams to pass.

When God alone is our true treasure, reward, and prize; when He is all we long for, seek after, love and adore, then He gives us the desires of our hearts. Only then are we ready to fulfill our purpose. No other person or thing can satisfy us like Jesus or prepare us for our God-given dreams. What are you pursuing?

Dear Lord, You know the dream I have tucked away in my heart. You know how I've longed for it to become a reality. I trust You today. I give You permission to work in my life preparing me for that dream. While You work, I will simply pursue You and be satisfied until my dream is a reality. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

stifling distaste

my post yesterday did prove to be cathartic. however, it has also made me think.

if there is someone that i feel so strongly about, but no one else seems to see it, perhaps it's just me.

i'm thinking that this is something i'll just have to let rest.

how do you act kindly to someone and be consistently nice, polite, even friendly, without being fake?

actually, i know what i need to do.

the only thing that ever heals emotions and quiets a restless dislike is prayer.

the Bible says to pray for your enemies and those who persecute you.

i'm sure those who annoy you fall into the same category.

i'll try to be a better person and pray for this situation before it escalates from what it is to some kind of raging hatred.

feuds and taking sides are so immature and have no place in my life, personal or professional.

i'll work on it.

proceed with caution

i've always heard, "be careful what you wish for. you just might get it."

in high school, my youth pastor cautioned us, "be careful what you pray for. if you pray for patience, you better be prepared to have your patience tested and pushed to the limit because, how else are you going to learn to be patient?"

i guess if you are going to embark on a quest to be better at life, you should be prepared for the fact that it's not going to be easy.

last night my mom and i had what started out as a "typical" fight. we've always butted heads, never quite found the right balance to get along famously. whereas, she and my next younger sister get along awesomely well. they identify with each other, they think similarly. they call each other just to chat on the phone. my mom and i have never had that kind of a relationship. usually i'll say something, she gets mad thinking i said it in some sort of mean or malicious way and snaps at me, i snap back because i don't feel like i deserve her snapping at me, she gets mad because i'm snapping at her ... and it just goes on and on and on.

last night started in much the same way, but ended quite differently than normal. i think there was actual progress made and that she might actually understand a little more of the way i feel.

and i will readily admit, she's usually right. i haven't shown my parents the respect that i should have. i'm not going to blame anyone else for that. i don't know where it comes from. i love them, i respect their opinion. i have literally told sales people and renters, etc. that i wouldn't be making any decisions until i had a chance to run it by my mom. i can be completely resolved to do something and if my mom disagrees, i won't do it. i constantly seek her approval on everything from the clothes i wear and my hair cut and color to decisions about jobs and moving and roommates. that said, there are definitely times when i know in my heart what i have to do and it disagrees with her opinion. but those times are hard.

respecting someone's opinion and seeking their approval is not the same thing as showing them respect. i don't know if i just missed that lesson in sunday school or if i just have some sort of fatal malfunction that makes me a disrespectful, horrible child.

so last night was painful. my eyes were swollen and puffy, crying gives me a migraine. i told her that i often feel like a failure at life. she assured me that was crazy because i'm so young, life has barely begun. and it ended with my mom hugging me and telling me she loves me in such a meaningful way as i can't remember the last time it happened.

i'm glad for last night. i'm glad for progress. i just wish it didn't hurt so much.

guilt

i hate getting sucked into drama and gossip. and yet, there is some perverse part of me that, in the moment, enjoys it.

rest assured, i beat myself up over it afterward.

'why are you so dumb?! every time! every time, you say you won't do it again. look at how awful you feel right now! will you please remember this next time?'

i like to think that, for the most part, i'm pretty good at not passing along gossip and not necessarily believing everything i hear about people or situations. it literally makes me feel ill when people are hissing out negative comments about other people. or when someone decides not to like one particular person and then seemingly makes it their mission to make everyone else see that person the way they do. i absolutely hate it!

so imagine how much disdain i hold for myself when i allow my sinful nature to have control and participate.

i think the worst part is how much i love it. there is some sort of perverse enjoyment in being involved. some sort of sick gratification that comes from being included, not being the one they're talking about. it's a brief thrill, as i imagine most unhealthy habits are. a quick high followed by crushing, shameful remorse.


in my effort to better myself, this is definately a priority. i know that my resolve will be tested and i pray that God gives me the strength to stand up for what i know is right, rather than simply agreeing with what is easy.