guilt

i hate getting sucked into drama and gossip. and yet, there is some perverse part of me that, in the moment, enjoys it.

rest assured, i beat myself up over it afterward.

'why are you so dumb?! every time! every time, you say you won't do it again. look at how awful you feel right now! will you please remember this next time?'

i like to think that, for the most part, i'm pretty good at not passing along gossip and not necessarily believing everything i hear about people or situations. it literally makes me feel ill when people are hissing out negative comments about other people. or when someone decides not to like one particular person and then seemingly makes it their mission to make everyone else see that person the way they do. i absolutely hate it!

so imagine how much disdain i hold for myself when i allow my sinful nature to have control and participate.

i think the worst part is how much i love it. there is some sort of perverse enjoyment in being involved. some sort of sick gratification that comes from being included, not being the one they're talking about. it's a brief thrill, as i imagine most unhealthy habits are. a quick high followed by crushing, shameful remorse.


in my effort to better myself, this is definately a priority. i know that my resolve will be tested and i pray that God gives me the strength to stand up for what i know is right, rather than simply agreeing with what is easy.

drama

why do people pretend?
why do people pretend not to like drama?
they say they hate drama.
they say they don't like overly dramatic people.
in the face of confrontation, adversity, misunderstanding, they throw their hands up declaring that 'this is all just too much drama!'
drama is negative, draining, immature.
it's good not to like drama.
it's acceptable.

and yet, these are the same people who whisper about others, roll their eyes behind someone's back before smiling to their face.
these are the same people who make snap judgements about others, talk down to them, feel superior to practically everyone they know.
they cause drama.
they fuel it once it's going.
they thrive on it, enjoy it, always want to know about it.
unless it directly involves them.
then it's quickly back to, 'drama is evil' and 'i hate drama'.

why can't people just be honest?
if you enjoy drama, fine.
you get a little kick out of it when other people get their feathers a little ruffled with each other?
great.
dont deny it because it's not socially acceptable.
just admit it and stop being such a hypocrite.
don't be afraid to identify yourself.
are you scared you won't have any friends if they all see you bared for what you really are?
yeah, i would be too.