Waiting On The Phone To Ring

Today has not been awesome. It's been an awesome motivator to get the heck out of dodge, but that's about it in the awesome realm.

It's really draining and exhausting to have to defend myself to my boss all the time. And it's really stressful to be accused of and blamed for mistakes that really have nothing to do with me. I don't have any problem owning up to it when I drop the ball. I mean, obviously it's not fun to admit you were wrong, but I can handle it. What I don't like is having to prove that I wasn't wrong all the time. I don't work in an environment where I should have to justify and prove my work all the time. I'm reporting data that others collect. If the data is incorrect, I don't think that's my fault. I'll happily fix it if you'd like, but shouting at me and berating me about "why can't I ever get it right" ... is entirely inappropriate behavior.

Why is it only Tuesday?

the time has come, the walrus said

well, i officially applied for a different full time job this week. i found out that i'm on the list for interviews, but that the job doesn't pay as much as my current one.

initially, this made me count this out as an option. i also know the preschool at our church is hiring a part time teacher for a 3:30 to 6:30 shift. if i shuffle my hours at my current job a little, i would still be working withing the limitations they've set, but i could leave early enough to work in the pre-school as well. those will be some long days if it comes to that.

then this afternoon, after my boss had left work, he called me from his cell phone and reamed me out for about five minutes. all of the details aren't important, but basically he wanted me to finish a project but i hadn't received all the information i needed to complete it and he spent a long time telling me that i should have been hounding people for the information every day until i got it. (never mind that these people are salaried managers and were expressly told, by him, to get me the information. apparently, according to him, they are incapable of doing that unless i continually and consistently nag them for it. but that's not really the point.)

in the moments after i hung up the phone, i felt so angry and frustrated (and slightly worthless) that i thought, you know what? for a little peace of mind and a lot less stress, maybe i'd be okay with making less per hour. at this point, it might end up being more per week.

at the very least, if they call me for an interview, i'm going. i firmly believe that if it's where God wants me, it will all work out. that's just the way it is.

weekend update

i was told by my dear friend Kristina that i don't blog enough. and that i'm not allowed to check her blog for new posts unless i've posted one myself. well, fine then. but, this also means that every time i check and she doesn't have one, i get to write a strongly worded comment on her blog, demanding updates. :)

i love the fourth of july. it's really one of the best holidays. you get to blow stuff up, shoot sparkly things in the sky, barbecue and hang out with family. and get paid time off. i mean, what could be better? really.

it was such a nice, low stress weekend. nothing really went as planned and that was totally fine. i started the weekend helping a friend at work celebrate his promotion, i spent some time watching a deadliest catch marathon (and now i want to go crabbing. i mean, i think i'll be super let down to catch red rock crab and not alaskan king, but still. it's fun.). i got to hang out with my family, give my pregnant aunt a foot rub (she had ankles again for a little while!) we lit fireworks and ate good food. i got to have coffee with Krissy (who i haven't actually gotten to hang out with in FAR too long) and, even though our current favorite show wasn't on last night, i got to hang out with Leslie as well.

my conversation over coffee was enlightening and got me thinking. (as most conversations with Kristina do.) about six months ago, i set up a loose one year plan for myself. there was no definitive goal for the end of the year, other than "something will change" ... whether that change meant moving to LA to attend cosmetology school or to portland for a change of pace or figuring out a way to go back to school and possibly become a teacher. just something had to change because i was not at all happy with the way things were/are.

well, just making that decision has gotten me this far. knowing that action would be taken has buoyed my spirits until now. however, i'm realizing that nothing much has truly changed. i'm supposed to be in process, setting myself up for the better things that are to come. but i'm still just kind of treading water. so chatting openly and frankly about where i'm at, how happy that makes me and where i might like to be ... that was a nice reminder that i need to kick it in gear.

so i might be getting a third job. i might be filling all of my evenings and weekends with work and pushing myself to the limit. i might hate it at times. i might be exhausted a lot. but it's all for a purpose. it's to a better end. it will be worth it. i can't advance to the point in my life that i'd like to be at if i stay stagnant.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

update: since starting this post, i've learned that my old boss here was let go. his position was eliminated company wide. so apparently the "corporate restructure" emotional roller coaster nightmare that we endured last year is happening again. but honestly, i'm not concerned this time. i mean, i don't think that i'm beyond the reach of it all or in any way "safe" ... but i feel like whatever happens, is meant to happen. i'm kind of looking forward to these next few months. they shouldn't be boring, at the very least!

ALSO: my pregnant aunt is no longer pregnant! little Rilee Kennedy came out to join our crazy family! :D welcome Rilee! we love you already!