RIP qwerty

today has been an eff of a day. i have faith that it could turn around, i do. but aside from some small, completely superficial and irrelevant pleasures (read: this and yeah, this too) so far, this day is for crap.

the most recent development, i dumped my entire water bottle into my keyboard. my very favorite, ergonomic, fancy pants keyboard. the keyboard i have moved with me as i've changed jobs around here. i drained it (yes, there was that much water) and ran paper towels between the keys, but it's still entering a perpetual 1, over and over and over. Keegan says it might recover in a couple of days, and i believe it might. but in the interim, i'm using a crap flat keyboard. i can feel my hands getting crampy already. and i'm typing like a freaking beginner. i keep having to look down for keystrokes. my fingers knew that other keyboard so well, they just floated over it. i miss it.

plus, now i have no clean yummy filtered water from home to drink. like i said, this day is for crap.

(eff dude. i'm now realizing that the rolly scrolly thing on my mouse isn't working either. sad sad sad sad.)

i can't wrap my head around bi-polar disorder

it never ceases to amaze me. it's like Jekyll and Hyde. you never know who you're going to get.

the same exact conversation could be two completely different scenarios. all depending on who you're talking to.

it's devastating and heartbreaking and spirit crushing. it's like a punch to the gut, all the wind and life knocked right out of you. it makes you second guess who you are and doubt your worth. you are meaningless.

and you know what? this won't help. in fact, it will probably make it worse.

but it helps me. it helps me later when i read this and remember. remember not to forget how it feels.

a slice of that random

a continuation ...

i can be quite obsessive. but not necessarily compulsive.

i judge people on their written or spoken grammar, spelling and punctuation. it's not a deal breaker or anything, it's just like the errors have red blinking lights and refuse to be ignored.

i didn't get that solo.

i'm okay with that. i feel like God is in control of even frivolous little things like that and He has a reason for everything.

i've turned into a little bit of a font snob.

i feel like maybe i took a wrong turn somewhere in life.

i sometimes wonder where i'd be if i had taken the right one.

i have filled the margins of my note-taking notebook at work with mini rants. rants at myself, at my boss, at life. flipping through it is like watching myself go through this journey again.

i am seriously good with kids. that sounds like bragging, but it's really true.

i'm afraid i'm failing at my job.

i think water is delicious.

i think it's really cool that my mom blogs.

i'm ridiculously interested in the entertainment world; the lives of those who put themselves on display for the rest of us to scrutinize.

i think that maybe i should have pursued writing. or teaching. or photography. i feel like it's too late.

i miss my friends who aren't friends anymore.

i wish i was braver.

i'm afraid of "what if" ... i try not to be.

i want to go stomp and splash through puddles.

i don't want to do it by myself.

i feel like i have a deep seated knowledge that, regardless of how i'm feeling right now or the way things appear, i will actually have a successful, happy life. beyond what i even imagine.

i choose to believe God put that knowledge there, and that it's not simple delusion.

i miss my daddy.

i didn't intend for this post to sound so melancholy!

some things about me

i occasionally bump cheesy music in my car. it makes me feel better.

i wish i was 3 inches shorter.

i love watching the behind the scenes special features on movies. or watching the feature with the director's commentary on. it fascinates me to know how things are done.

i want to be a part of that one day.

i love shoes. it's truly an illness. i think they are fabulous.

i have a really hard time getting rid of things. i really want to. it's just hard to do it. i don't know why.

i love the way the keys clack when someone types quickly on a keyboard.

i daydream a lot.

i feel pretty strong convictions about things sometimes. currently it's the r-word.

i don't want to be all talk.

i want to own a gun.

i love that half awake, half asleep, still dreaming, waking up slowly feeling.

i wish i could play piano.

i love to sing. i won't do it in front of people most of the time but i wish i could. i really love singing.

i'm incredibly proud of my father.

i wish my life was different.

i think i'm really concieted sometimes.

i should be doing something else right now.

life's too short

last sunday, a friend and i attended a party at our mutual friend’s house. it was a small get together, just her husband, a few of her friends from church, her mom and sister, a long time family friend. some people had children and brought them and they played outside with our friends’ daughter. her husband used to be a chef so he had prepared some fancy little sandwiches for our party. he tried to make sure everyone ate plenty, warning them that if they didn’t they’d have to take some home with them for later. he pulled the nozzle hose from the sink and showed us how he’d positioned their daughters’ swing outside in perfect range for him to spray them through the kitchen window screen. he kissed his wife and said how lucky he was to have her, told her mom they needed a picture of her and her husband to add to their mantle. he waved goodbye to us as we left and thanked us for coming.

last night the friend i went to the party with tried to visit our friend at her place of work, but she wasn’t there. my friend was informed that they weren’t sure when she’d be back because her husband had died. i saw him sunday. on wednesday he was gone.

as shattering as that felt, we then found out that he committed suicide. the original story was that she came home from work to find him. the true story that she told us: he told her he was tired of being in pain (he had a back problem that made his feet hurt and go numb i guess) but then he took his nightly medication and headed to the bedroom. she heard what she thought was maybe the television remote control smashing against the bedroom wall and went in to find that it had actually been a gunshot. their nine year old daughter, i’m assuming, was in the other room.
i was told by a friend that when someone dies, maybe someone you don’t know terribly well, an acquaintance possibly, it’s hard to accept. say they die in a tragic car accident, it hurts and it’s difficult to get past. but for some reason, if they commit suicide, it just feels so much heavier. it’s so much harder to wrap your head around. i think she’s right. i started off being terribly sad about it all. what a waste. how tragic. but now i’ve really more moved on to anger. i can’t seem to grasp how anyone could be so selfish and cowardly. maybe that’s a little harsh. but really, if you’re going to do something like that, couldn’t you have the decency and consideration for your wife to not do it while she’s within feet of you? couldn’t you have the foresight to do whatever you could to preserve your little daughters innocence and mental well-being? couldn’t you think about the fact that your wife, and most likely your daughter as well, will blame themselves and ask why didn’t they do something differently? if only this, this and this … maybe they could have prevented this all?

i know there’s a reason for everything. even things that i think are horrible, i know God has a purpose for all that He does. but i can’t help but think how unfair it is that now my friend has to raise her daughter alone. or that her daughter has to grow up without her dad. without her dad to teach her how to drive a stick shift or walk her down the aisle when she gets married. i know that there’s a reason. but that doesn’t make it any easier.