a slice of that random

a continuation ...

i can be quite obsessive. but not necessarily compulsive.

i judge people on their written or spoken grammar, spelling and punctuation. it's not a deal breaker or anything, it's just like the errors have red blinking lights and refuse to be ignored.

i didn't get that solo.

i'm okay with that. i feel like God is in control of even frivolous little things like that and He has a reason for everything.

i've turned into a little bit of a font snob.

i feel like maybe i took a wrong turn somewhere in life.

i sometimes wonder where i'd be if i had taken the right one.

i have filled the margins of my note-taking notebook at work with mini rants. rants at myself, at my boss, at life. flipping through it is like watching myself go through this journey again.

i am seriously good with kids. that sounds like bragging, but it's really true.

i'm afraid i'm failing at my job.

i think water is delicious.

i think it's really cool that my mom blogs.

i'm ridiculously interested in the entertainment world; the lives of those who put themselves on display for the rest of us to scrutinize.

i think that maybe i should have pursued writing. or teaching. or photography. i feel like it's too late.

i miss my friends who aren't friends anymore.

i wish i was braver.

i'm afraid of "what if" ... i try not to be.

i want to go stomp and splash through puddles.

i don't want to do it by myself.

i feel like i have a deep seated knowledge that, regardless of how i'm feeling right now or the way things appear, i will actually have a successful, happy life. beyond what i even imagine.

i choose to believe God put that knowledge there, and that it's not simple delusion.

i miss my daddy.

i didn't intend for this post to sound so melancholy!

cutthroat

i have neglected you my little blog. i apologize.

so, we're coming up to our last concert of the year for our choir. we just got new music for a song last week.

i've decided that i want the solo in it. i didn't think, 'well, maybe, if i'm feeling ballsy, i'll audition ...'

no.

i thought, 'this solo is mine yo. (apparently determination passes through a gangsta filter in my head ... ) back off all you other wannabes ... i want this flipping solo and i will have it. end of discussion.'

this was a little unsettling for me. i'm not really that brave or openly competitive. i'm not sure where this possessiveness has come from. but i kinda like it.

usually, just thinking of auditioning causes waves of nausea and a clammy aura. but even now, i'm just kind of excited. a little knot in the stomach, yes. but mostly, really looking forward to it. i don't even really hope i get it. i just want it.

what's wrong with me?? i'm losing my marbles i think.

well, we'll see what comes of it all i guess.

p.s. if i get it, i expect to see y'all there! no punk-ing out!

well, when you say it that way ...

why is sexism okay if delivered correctly?

"let's give her a few more packets of people to call. girls just sound better on the phone and you have work to do."

okay, maybe that's not an incredibly sexist statement ... but i'm sorry. i have work to do too. this is my first break today. and trust, it will be short. it's month end, i have to make sure all data is entered and squared away by the cut off time. i also have to prepare and assemble the month end reports, the week end reports, it's payday so there are checks to distribute, the charts and graphs have to be updated and printed and apparently we need a training calendar update. again. plus, i'm not coming in saturday so i can go to my dad's mobilization ceremony. so i should add to this list a seemingly endless number of phone calls to customers because i'm a girl so it'll sound better?

speak in a falsetto and get over it.

but.

coming from the person who said this, i almost feel more inclined to be a little flattered that he's implying i have a nice voice. so, apparently any feminist leanings go out the window when the proper spin and inflection is employed.

or.

maybe i'm just not nearly as girl-power as i thought. maybe. probably not though.

happy administrative professionals day!

this is basically just a little post for me, wishing me a happy admin day.

yay me!

update: the first time i posted this i completely spelled professionals wrong ... some admin i am!

it never fails ...

so, usually, right after i post about something i'm struggling with or upset about or frustrated by, it's only about a day or so before it comes to me how to get over it or why i shouldn't be upset or frustrated.

this time, it occurred to me that the reason it feels wrong to be fake-nice with people instead of showing my distaste is because it is. i shouldn't pretend to like someone, i should just like them. just because i don't love someone's personality traits doesn't mean that they are any less deserving of love and tolerance. if imperfect, totally undeserving me gets to be a child of God, loved and treasured despite glaring flaws, why wouldn't someone else?

so the answer is not, "put on a nice face and try to keep your dislike hidden" but rather, "turn inside and examine yourself, lift them up in prayer and realize that they are loved by God just as you are." that in itself is reason enough to show them kindness and love, because God would and He would want me to.

as usual, easier said than done. but i'll work on it.

puh puh puh poker face, puh puh poker face

okay. i admit, that song is growing on me.

so, i've actually had multiple conversations recently about the fact that apparently, i have no poker face. one friend told me that i can't keep my emotions from showing on my face, another told me that if i dislike someone, it's pretty obvious. she said i'm not mean to them or anything, but that i'm generally warm to people, so when i'm dealing with someone i don't care for, it shows in a lack of that warmth.

i can't decide if this is a good thing or not. i mean, i guess in some aspects it's good. it means i'm typically not ever fake with people and that i'm pretty easy to read. but do i want to be easy to read? i tend to think not.

i like having an expressive face. i can usually communicate something to a perceptive person with minimal effort. but i think being able to mask the emotions i'm feeling is just as valuable a tool. perhaps even more so.

i'm pretty sure i used to have a poker face. i'm not sure when i lost it. or maybe, i was just blessed enough to never have encountered people in my life that i felt so strongly about that i couldn't hide it. or maybe, as one friend put it, i just have a lower tolerance for b.s. now.

every time i think, 'okay, i'm going to teach myself to be more neutral. i can make it so that he won't even know i don't like him.' i get a little disgusted with myself. how terrible would i feel if i found out that someone i genuinely thought liked me, actually didn't? so maybe the key is to never let them find out. i guess it comes down to whether it's more important to be "real" with people or to be universally kind.

i'm pretty sure the answer is universally kind.

hmmmm ... this will take some practice.

writing while angry

i came across something i scribbled out one day while i was apparently incredibly upset. i guess it doesn't really apply anymore, but i was struck by how it flowed ... especially for something that i must have scrawled in the midst of some high emotions. i figured it deserved preservation, so here it is.

ridiculous. absolutely ridiculous. don't blame your lack of communication on me. i don't care if people see you for the JACKASS you are. i will not stand in to take the fall for you. you have to EARN that kind of loyalty. you have done nothing to earn that kind of respect from me.

maybe it's just because it's in my voice or because of the angry slant it was written at, but i could almost feel the intensity of the feeling behind it.

perhaps i just write better when i'm feeling very passionately about something. i don't think i want to get into why it would seem to be that the most passionate writing i have is negative ....

another day perhaps.