When The Truth Comes Out

It's interesting, being in my last week at work. As bittersweet as the moments are, there are things to make it more bearable. Things to focus on to make it less bitter and much much more sweet.

One such thing is finding out who the pretenders are. Who really had your back all along and who, for whatever reason, faked it. Maybe they faked it because they perceived that I had some sort of "connections"? Or because of someone they really do like who liked me? Or because they just want everyone to think they're super swell and never have a cross thought about them?

Whatever the excuse, I think fake two-facedness is despicable and a complete deal breaker. I am nice to people. I'm nice to some people that I don't really care for. Because it's rude otherwise. Out and out telling people how much you can't stand them is rude and hurtful and unnecessary. So there is a certain amount of niceness out of plain old common courtesy. Sometimes I try to give people another chance. Maybe I judged to quickly, so I give them a chance to be someone I genuinely like.

But there is a huge difference between the social grace that is being polite to someone you may not really care for, and buttering someone up before turning around and saying hateful slanderous things about them to other people.

If I focus on those people, those situations, it makes leaving easier. I'm aware that in every single workplace there are people like this. I don't delude myself into thinking that a new job will offer all kind souls where everyone gets along and nobody fights and there's always sunshine and rainbows and butterflies. There may even be people worse than what I've had here. But that's for me to discover. Here, I already know the nasty hateful people and it gets harder and harder to be outwardly polite to them the more I find out about all they've had to say about me.

So here's to you, you Harry Potter suck head. I hope more people see through you to the b*tchy little girl that lives inside you.

Categorizing

I am so so SO thrilled to have a new job. SO THRILLED.

Every time something pings as a sadness moment about leaving this job, I have to have a few categorized responses to counteract it. Sad about this person you'll miss seeing on a daily basis? But just think, you NEVER have to see this person or this one again if you don't want to! Sad about missing out on this fun aspect of your job? But just think, you'll never have to do this or this or THIS again!

That might have been a nonsense paragraph. I can't be sure. My brain has pretty much shut off these last couple of days. The point is this: although it is bittersweet at moments, I am thoroughly stoked to start my new job. Any people at this one that I'm going to miss, I'm just going to have to go out of my way to stay in contact with.

In other news, my friend Keegan's web design company Terablock is amazing. (They also do site security. Seriously, the most badass IT guy I know.) If you have need for a slick, super functional, gorgeous, smart looking website, check him out.

Well, I guess that's it for this random, left field post.

Peace

Occasionally I like to scroll back through my blog posts and remind myself of where I was.

This is useful to me in that, sometimes, I find myself reading something that describes the way I'm feeling at that moment with incredible accuracy. Ideally, that shouldn't be the case. I shouldn't blog about how I'm feeling, how I plan to change it and then in months ahead, find that I've circled back to where I started.

Other times, I read something and I think, 'Wow, how freaking happy am I that that's not me anymore?'

Today I realized that it's been well over three months since I started toying with the idea of pursuing a different career. I mean, I guess I've always kind of got that in mind, but the beginning of November is when I actually started the process of mentally letting go of this place and sincerely hoping that it might be time to move on soon.

When I read that entry in November about how fearful I am of change and how much guilt I attach to things that definitely don't need it, I felt so blessed to realize how far I've come. I really think that I've actually always craved change. It's just easier to be afraid of it and hold it at arm's length. Today is a big day in the realm of change and I am so incredibly excited about the possibilities! Even if it doesn't pan out for whatever reason, I am so ready for the next step. And, although I feel the occasional pang of guilt here and there, I think I've done a good job in stepping out of that unhealthy pool. I will not feel guilty for trying to make my life better, as long as I'm not stomping on people's heads to do it.

I'm letting God have full control this afternoon. I try to do that all times of all days, but I'm especially focused on it today. I know if this is where God means for me to go, the path will be laid out. I'm so freaking excited to see if that's the case.

Here goes nothing!

Waiting On The Phone To Ring

Today has not been awesome. It's been an awesome motivator to get the heck out of dodge, but that's about it in the awesome realm.

It's really draining and exhausting to have to defend myself to my boss all the time. And it's really stressful to be accused of and blamed for mistakes that really have nothing to do with me. I don't have any problem owning up to it when I drop the ball. I mean, obviously it's not fun to admit you were wrong, but I can handle it. What I don't like is having to prove that I wasn't wrong all the time. I don't work in an environment where I should have to justify and prove my work all the time. I'm reporting data that others collect. If the data is incorrect, I don't think that's my fault. I'll happily fix it if you'd like, but shouting at me and berating me about "why can't I ever get it right" ... is entirely inappropriate behavior.

Why is it only Tuesday?

gurgle

i'm so annoyed that i'm sick right now. it's my own stupid fault, that's the worst part. i was thinking it's gotten to the point where i should make a doctor's appointment, but today i saw the nurse at work. although she said my throat ... well, i'll spare you the details and just say it looked disgusting. but no white spots to indicate strep. she recommended frequent salt water gargling and i may be able to kick it. so here i sit, watching my favorite Monday night shows ... How I Met Your Mother, Accidentally On Purpose (while flipping to House during commercials), Two & a Half Men and Big Bang Theory ... while intermittently going to the kitchen to heat my salt water back up and gargle.

maybe it's psychological, but my throat already feels a wee bit better.

and Two & a Half men is turning out to be very melancholy. here's looking to Sheldon on Big Bang Theory to perk things back up.

although this is probably a lame Monday night, i find it peaceful and relaxing. and quiet. sooo nice and quiet.

finally: today a psychic told me that something will happen by or in September. i guess we've got t-minus seven months to see if she's a quack. (which, i'll be honest, i presume she will be.)

that is all. please enjoy your Monday night.

mountain

do you ever get a pimple on your face that's so huge it's like a new friend? a painful, seen all day in your peripheral vision, eyesore of a friend?

no?

well, my new friend jimmy and i pity you and your lack of relationships in life.

fear

i love when my devotion is intended specifically for me and it speaks straight to my heart.

an excerpt: (emphasis added by me.)

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"For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control."

2 Timothy 1:7

Healthy fear warns us of danger and prepares us to react appropriately. However, the type of fear referred to in this verse is an unhealthy fear. It gets in the way of what our heavenly Father has already given us: His power, His love and His self-control.

Unhealthy fear overwhelms us with doubt and insecurity; it drains our spiritual life and physical strength. It steals God's peace from our hearts, and robs us of joy in our daily lives. It causes us to become stagnant; unable to move ahead with the things God has planned for us. It's important to remember that unhealthy, paralyzing, controlling fear is not from God. It is one weapon our enemy Satan uses to interrupt, discourage and destroy our relationship with our heavenly Father.

Are you living with unhealthy fear? Are you ready to replace it with the courageous and confident hope that's found in trusting God alone? By placing our hope in God and not in our circumstances, we're able to alleviate unhealthy fear. With God, we can face any giant in our path with confidence.

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confidence. not something i excel in. and how many times have i complained that i feel my life becoming stagnant, never moving forward?

my basic conclusion is this: insecurity is a manifestation of fear. fear (unhealthy) comes from Satan. God provides perfect peace.

i struggle with insecurity so much, i don't even really consider it a struggle. it's just a part of living, part of humanity, part of being a girl. it can be crippling, paralyzing. i am so often encouraged in things, for example, singing. there are so many people who compliment my voice, encourage me to sing more, without fear. and yet, all i ever hear is my own internal monologue reminding me of that one guy who made a cringe-type face while i was singing that one time or the solos that went to someone else.

i want to live without this handicap. i obviously can't do it myself, but if i can embrace the peace that God has for me, i think i can overcome it. i need to remember to ask Him to fill me with serenity when i find myself in these petrifying situations. because if His peace is filling me, where would the fear fit?