life's too short

last sunday, a friend and i attended a party at our mutual friend’s house. it was a small get together, just her husband, a few of her friends from church, her mom and sister, a long time family friend. some people had children and brought them and they played outside with our friends’ daughter. her husband used to be a chef so he had prepared some fancy little sandwiches for our party. he tried to make sure everyone ate plenty, warning them that if they didn’t they’d have to take some home with them for later. he pulled the nozzle hose from the sink and showed us how he’d positioned their daughters’ swing outside in perfect range for him to spray them through the kitchen window screen. he kissed his wife and said how lucky he was to have her, told her mom they needed a picture of her and her husband to add to their mantle. he waved goodbye to us as we left and thanked us for coming.

last night the friend i went to the party with tried to visit our friend at her place of work, but she wasn’t there. my friend was informed that they weren’t sure when she’d be back because her husband had died. i saw him sunday. on wednesday he was gone.

as shattering as that felt, we then found out that he committed suicide. the original story was that she came home from work to find him. the true story that she told us: he told her he was tired of being in pain (he had a back problem that made his feet hurt and go numb i guess) but then he took his nightly medication and headed to the bedroom. she heard what she thought was maybe the television remote control smashing against the bedroom wall and went in to find that it had actually been a gunshot. their nine year old daughter, i’m assuming, was in the other room.
i was told by a friend that when someone dies, maybe someone you don’t know terribly well, an acquaintance possibly, it’s hard to accept. say they die in a tragic car accident, it hurts and it’s difficult to get past. but for some reason, if they commit suicide, it just feels so much heavier. it’s so much harder to wrap your head around. i think she’s right. i started off being terribly sad about it all. what a waste. how tragic. but now i’ve really more moved on to anger. i can’t seem to grasp how anyone could be so selfish and cowardly. maybe that’s a little harsh. but really, if you’re going to do something like that, couldn’t you have the decency and consideration for your wife to not do it while she’s within feet of you? couldn’t you have the foresight to do whatever you could to preserve your little daughters innocence and mental well-being? couldn’t you think about the fact that your wife, and most likely your daughter as well, will blame themselves and ask why didn’t they do something differently? if only this, this and this … maybe they could have prevented this all?

i know there’s a reason for everything. even things that i think are horrible, i know God has a purpose for all that He does. but i can’t help but think how unfair it is that now my friend has to raise her daughter alone. or that her daughter has to grow up without her dad. without her dad to teach her how to drive a stick shift or walk her down the aisle when she gets married. i know that there’s a reason. but that doesn’t make it any easier.

Tagged

I'm so honored to be tagged for this! :] Now let's see if I can think of some non-lame random facts about me ...

1. I sing slash talk to myself all the time. Seriously, people probably think I'm crazy. I love to sing, especially jazz music. The moment I'm alone in my office, I hit play on my music and sing all by myself. Then I look like a freak because it startles me when someone comes in, since I'm lost in my own little world of singing. I probably jump 3 feet every time.
2. I always push a cart when I got to the store. Even if I absolutely know I'm not buying anything, I get a cart and push it around the store. (Lol, I think that makes me sound even more crazy.)
3. My heart physically hurts when I think about people that I miss or things that I don't like. (i.e. my dear friends moving away, my daddy going back overseas, my sister and brother-in-law living so far away with my soon-to-be nephew, etc.)
4. Maybe everyone has this, but I have an acute smell-memory. Certain smells take me back to very specific memories. There's a certain handsoap that must have been used at the camp where I was a counselor because when I use it, I'm right back in that camp. Lucky Brand perfume - I love love love the smell of it, but a girl I was once very close friends with wore it so when I smell it, it makes me think of how unpleasantly things ended between us. My Elizabeth Arden perfume smells like summertime, and evenings in May or June make me think of pre-summer school-time apathy.
5. I have ophidiophobia. Fear of snakes. Not like, funny ha ha either. No, fake ones, pictures of them, ingenius pranks, these are not even remotely amusing. In fact, they're a good way for me not to trust you anymore.
6. I over think everything. Absolutely everything. I believe the only reason my life ever moves forward is because eventually I wear myself out, thinking about and weighing options and I am forced to let go. And then God handles it.

This is where it gets sad because, I don't have 6 blog friends. And one of the only ones I do have has obviously already done it.

Oh! I know what I'll do, I'll put this on my myspace. I have plenty of myspace friends. Some who might even do it. :]

My MySpace

*Note: Due to restrictions, I won't actually be able to post this to MySpace until probably Wednesday. Ana, I'm totally tagging you. :] I miss your face.

The Rules:

1. Link to the person who tagged you.

2. Post the rules on the blog.

3. Write six random things about yourself.

4. Tag six people at the end of your post.

5. Let each person know they have been tagged.

6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up.

ultimate guide to making friends

#1 - DOTE ON THEM
the more you can give someone, the more they will like you. bend over backwards if necessary. (pay no attention if they take advantage of your kindness, it will pay off)

#2 - DIVULGE
tell them secrets. tell them secrets about other people, break confidentiality, put yourself at risk. you definitely want the kind of friends who are nicer to you when they know they can gain valuable information from you.

#3 - DON'T GIVE UP
if at first they seem to stay a little distant, persist, persist, persist. eventually you will break down their defenses. see #1 and #2 for a surefire way to achieve that goal.

#4 - DISH
share gossip with them. take their side against every person they despise and help them trash talk those people at every available opportunity. bonus points if you can make #2 apply here.

i made my cell phone depressed

my cell phone is inherently optimistic. i text using the predictive text function and when i enter "1, 1" for an emoticon face, it is always a smiley face first. i have to push "next" once to get it to be a frowny face or more times for something else, like a winking face or a kissy face, etc.

apparently, i changed it to the frowny face so many times that now, it gives me the frowny face first. my phone was happy by default and i took that away.

so what was i always needing a frowny face for? what's so bad about my life that my text messages always needed frowny faces? i can't figure that out. i think i've been in a funk lately where nothing has seemed good. i don't know if the solution to that is moving far away, moving somewhere new in town, going to school, becoming a nanny, getting my hair cut ... i just don't know yet.

this is what i do know.

• something has to change. something has to be different. my life is not meant to be this stagnant thing, sitting still, gathering dust. and that's what i've let it become.


• i know that God has a better plan than that for me and i am trying to be quiet and listen for His solution. i know He is trying to tell me something, i just need to shut up long enough to hear it.

that is not a very long list of "what i know" ... that should tell me something right there ...

conviction

thank you God for being persistent with bull-headed me. i don't know why you have the patience for me, i barely do.

i've been completely stressing about this whole thing. i hate the thought of leaving security and sure-ness. i've been talking out the details with myself, my friends, my family, my hairdresser ... practically anyone who will listen. i've made myself sick thinking about it. i've prayed for guidance. "God, just make it clear what you want me to do so i don't have to worry anymore. please help me."

today, my daily e-mail devotional was about walking by faith.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
Hebrews 11:1

it talked about stepping out of what is comfortable and into an adventure of obedience and discovery of God's trustworthiness. and walking by faith and not by sight. i think in reading that devotional, it was the first time i saw that phrase visually. i have sung those words in countless songs, "i will walk by faith and not by sight," and yet it was only today and i truly grasped it. i imagined being blindfolded and led around unfamiliar terrain. i don't know if i would trust my own sister to do that. i would be peeking out of the blindfold. it finally hit me that God has a plan for my life and, no matter how many times i've said those words, "God has a plan for my life," i've never really put myself out there, made myself vulnerable to that plan. i've just puttered along in my own version of what i figured was what God wanted.

then, i got an e-mail from my friend Jessica, who is also my boss at the church. she forwarded her daily devotional and talked about how moved and humbled she was by it. the devotion was about words carved into a wall in a concentration camp.

I believe in the sun, even when it doesn't shine.
I believe in love, even when it isn't shown.
I believe in God, even when He doesn't speak.

it went on about how the man who could carve out those words in the situation he was in was obviously a man of strong faith. and she followed with her own account of how God stretches her byond her comfort zone and how much better she feels when she stops worrying about things and lays them at God's feet. how we are called to walk by faith and not by sight and to trust an unseen God.

okay God, i hear you. i can't guarantee that i won't be stupid and get all wrapped up in my head again, but i thank you that you won't give up on me even if i do. please help me to have faith in you and your divine plan for my life. your will be done always, amen.

pros and cons

i'm trying to make some big decisions right now. my friend wants me to move somewhere with her. she's pretty much up for moving anywhere, but we're talking about california. this is consuming my thoughts, my dreams, my every waking moment. i hate having to make big decisions ... okay, correction: i hate making any decision. "where do you want to eat?" "oh, i don't care. where ever you want is fine." in high school, i established a rule that whoever wasn't driving had to decide where we were going, since driving required enough concentration without adding that extra effort into it. *note: i was the first of all of my friends to have my license and a car so i was always driving. this rule worked REALLY well for me. i don't even like having to decide which movie we should rent or where we should get take-out from, so needless to say, trying to decide if i should up and move out of my apartment, sell a bunch of my stuff, quit my really great job and move somewhere i've never really been before in the hopes of finding a job and an apartment and possibly going to school ... this is petrifying.

i've begun a pros and cons list. so far, it is as follows:

some things cancel each other out and are crossed out to illustrate.

CONS:
- expensive
- far from home
- scary
- can't take car
- miss various family events; birthdays, camping trips, etc.
- have to leave my job
- leave my apartment
- leave bff's
- give up thursday nights
- give up PartyLite
- give up working at church
- miss kids at church
- miss Jessica and her kids
- have to find a new job
- meet new people
- miss church services

PROS:
- something i've never done before
- meet new people
- may never have the chance to do something like this again
- there will be other camping trips and birthdays
- live somewhere new
- put myself in a position where school is an option
- i don't really love my apartment anyway
- can stay connected to bff's and Jessica and kids through myspace(although it's not the same)
- can stay connected to family, friends through phone, blog, etc.
- what is are you really gaining from thursday nights anyway?
- PartyLite will still be around whenever you come back, and it's also available down there
- can probably come back to job at church if necessary, been doing it for 6 years, time for change
- no car insurance
- if in school, no student loan payments


this is what i have so far. i'm sure i'll update with more later.

crap. i just counted and i have 8 pros and 8 cons.

:[ i hate making decisions.

proceed with caution

i've always heard, "be careful what you wish for. you just might get it."

in high school, my youth pastor cautioned us, "be careful what you pray for. if you pray for patience, you better be prepared to have your patience tested and pushed to the limit because, how else are you going to learn to be patient?"

i guess if you are going to embark on a quest to be better at life, you should be prepared for the fact that it's not going to be easy.

last night my mom and i had what started out as a "typical" fight. we've always butted heads, never quite found the right balance to get along famously. whereas, she and my next younger sister get along awesomely well. they identify with each other, they think similarly. they call each other just to chat on the phone. my mom and i have never had that kind of a relationship. usually i'll say something, she gets mad thinking i said it in some sort of mean or malicious way and snaps at me, i snap back because i don't feel like i deserve her snapping at me, she gets mad because i'm snapping at her ... and it just goes on and on and on.

last night started in much the same way, but ended quite differently than normal. i think there was actual progress made and that she might actually understand a little more of the way i feel.

and i will readily admit, she's usually right. i haven't shown my parents the respect that i should have. i'm not going to blame anyone else for that. i don't know where it comes from. i love them, i respect their opinion. i have literally told sales people and renters, etc. that i wouldn't be making any decisions until i had a chance to run it by my mom. i can be completely resolved to do something and if my mom disagrees, i won't do it. i constantly seek her approval on everything from the clothes i wear and my hair cut and color to decisions about jobs and moving and roommates. that said, there are definitely times when i know in my heart what i have to do and it disagrees with her opinion. but those times are hard.

respecting someone's opinion and seeking their approval is not the same thing as showing them respect. i don't know if i just missed that lesson in sunday school or if i just have some sort of fatal malfunction that makes me a disrespectful, horrible child.

so last night was painful. my eyes were swollen and puffy, crying gives me a migraine. i told her that i often feel like a failure at life. she assured me that was crazy because i'm so young, life has barely begun. and it ended with my mom hugging me and telling me she loves me in such a meaningful way as i can't remember the last time it happened.

i'm glad for last night. i'm glad for progress. i just wish it didn't hurt so much.