fear

i love when my devotion is intended specifically for me and it speaks straight to my heart.

an excerpt: (emphasis added by me.)

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"For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control."

2 Timothy 1:7

Healthy fear warns us of danger and prepares us to react appropriately. However, the type of fear referred to in this verse is an unhealthy fear. It gets in the way of what our heavenly Father has already given us: His power, His love and His self-control.

Unhealthy fear overwhelms us with doubt and insecurity; it drains our spiritual life and physical strength. It steals God's peace from our hearts, and robs us of joy in our daily lives. It causes us to become stagnant; unable to move ahead with the things God has planned for us. It's important to remember that unhealthy, paralyzing, controlling fear is not from God. It is one weapon our enemy Satan uses to interrupt, discourage and destroy our relationship with our heavenly Father.

Are you living with unhealthy fear? Are you ready to replace it with the courageous and confident hope that's found in trusting God alone? By placing our hope in God and not in our circumstances, we're able to alleviate unhealthy fear. With God, we can face any giant in our path with confidence.

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confidence. not something i excel in. and how many times have i complained that i feel my life becoming stagnant, never moving forward?

my basic conclusion is this: insecurity is a manifestation of fear. fear (unhealthy) comes from Satan. God provides perfect peace.

i struggle with insecurity so much, i don't even really consider it a struggle. it's just a part of living, part of humanity, part of being a girl. it can be crippling, paralyzing. i am so often encouraged in things, for example, singing. there are so many people who compliment my voice, encourage me to sing more, without fear. and yet, all i ever hear is my own internal monologue reminding me of that one guy who made a cringe-type face while i was singing that one time or the solos that went to someone else.

i want to live without this handicap. i obviously can't do it myself, but if i can embrace the peace that God has for me, i think i can overcome it. i need to remember to ask Him to fill me with serenity when i find myself in these petrifying situations. because if His peace is filling me, where would the fear fit?

a year in review

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before? attended a movie screening, visited Texas, LA, made specific plans and long term goals for myself.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? i don't think i made any last year ... this year i plan on actually using my gym membership and finishing paying off all of my consumer debt.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? my sister had my nephew last January and my aunt had my baby cousin in July.

4. Did anyone close to you die? no, thankfully. i did go to a few funerals, but they were acquaintances.

5. What countries did you visit? States? stayed in the US, i went to Washington, Texas and California.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009? security, stability, change.

7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory and why? my very first nephew being born was probably the most important, January 16th.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? i paid off a significant amount of debt, righted a few wrongs, got car insurance back after a short lapse, finally started making personal improvements. oh, and cleaned out my car. :)

9. What was your biggest failure? i started with my goals of improvement last February and i didn't actually start taking action on them until about August. procrastination is my biggest downfall.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? no, i've actually been incredibly healthy this year. i had strep throat for about a day, and that was it that i can recall.

11. What was the best thing you bought? nothing special, i guess plane tickets were the best.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? my sister was chosen to be part of a selective team for a culinary competition. it's what she wants to do in life and i'm so proud of her for making such advancements so early in life.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? my boss is probably the most appalling and it truly depresses me to see him go on, completely unencumbered with his abhorrent behavior. another person close to me truly shocked me with their greed and negative attitude. it honestly makes me sad for this person that they're not going to ever really have joy and happiness in life if they continue to be oblivious to their seemingly blackened spirit. other than that, just a handful of people making poor choices, putting others in terrible situations.

14. Where did most of your money go? honestly, i think the single biggest recipient of my money was the church. i think tithing was my biggest single expense. which is a good thing i guess, but also just partly because there's not really much beyond that to spend on any one thing. paying off debt as a general expense was also up there.

15. What did you really, really, really get excited about? i think i was most excited about spending time in LA. i actually really really enjoyed it there.

16. What song will always remind you of 2009? omg, probably something stupid like Party In The USA. blerg.

17. Compared to this time last year are you: Happier? yes, i was actually pretty depressed this time last year. Thinner? meh, i dunno. Richer? i don't know about that. maybe so since i owe less?

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? working on myself and my goals.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? wasting time on inaction.

20. How did you spend Christmas? Christmas Eve's Eve with my mom's side of the family, yummy dinner and sugar cookie decorating, Christmas Eve at church, Christmas morning with my family including my sister, brother-in-law, nephew and dad home from Iraq and then the afternoon with the whole extended family at my great aunt's house.

21. How will you be spending new years? hanging with the family, playing Farkle and Mario Party 8 on Wii, typing this, eating too much yummy food.

22. Did you fall in love in 2009? nope.

23. How many one-night stands? 0

24. What was your favorite TV program? Community and Glee are my favorite new shows, i still love The Office, Parks and Rec, True Blood, 30 Rock, How I Met Your Mother, Two and a Half Men, and i learned to love Criminal Minds.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? i have a much stronger distaste for a couple of people than i did last year, yes.

26. What was the best book you read? The Shack (i know, so late to the game on that one.)

27. What was your biggest musical discovery? i really like 3OH!3 and Cobra Starship, and pretty much anything they sang on Glee. :)

28. What did you want and get? to travel.

29. What did you want and not get? a fabulous new job, a bajillion dollars.

30. What was your favorite film of this year? I Love You Man, Star Trek, The Hangover, Paranormal Activity, Iglourious Basterds, Avatar ... there are more that i still want to see and just haven't yet ... Up In The Air, Up, Zombieland, (500) Days Of Summer, The Blind Side, Whip It, The Informant!, and It's Complicated. (um, i kind of love movies apparently.)


31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old did you turn? i spent my actual birthday in Disneyland for 16 hours. i turned 25. (yikes.)

32. Did you go anywhere exciting? i went to Washington over a weekend for my friend's wedding, i flew with my sister to her new home in Texas, and i flew to Burbank to spend a week in LA and Disneyland. i feel like i still have a lot i want to do in LA, so i see myself returning in the future.

33. What is one thing you learned in 2009? that sitting around, thinking, planning and dreaming are all well and good ... but action is the only thing that will create the change i crave.

34. What do you regret from 2009? nothing except not acting sooner.


35. Which celebrity did you fancy the most? Alexander Skarsgard, Robert Downey Jr., Paul Rudd ... just the standard. :)

36. What political issue stirred you the most? i think the decision to send more troops to Afghanistan this year hurt the most.

37. Who did you miss? a few people, the memories of a few people.

38. Who was the best new person you met? Matt and Vicki are pretty cool, Greg and the other Matt are both nice, and Jacob, Matt and Evan were cool too. i probably met a lot more new people than that, but i can't think of any one that's "the best" ...

39. What do you hope to see in 2010? peace for my family, and peace for my friends. so many friends that are going through so much traumatic, horrible stuff. i hope this year brings a lot more people a lot more peace.

40. What do you hope to be in the 2010? a more proactive and determined me, debt free and meeting my personal goals.

sweet Lord in heaven

so ... i'm an idiot. i have this trip planned for my birthday, right? i'm going to go to LA and Disneyland and i get to go to a movie screening and a comedy show and possibly a taping of Conan and just hang out and see cool stuff in LA that i only get to read about normally ... right?

okay. so i bought plane tickets when i had the money and they were on super sale because i was pretty sure i would need them. i planned everything and budgeted everything out, i managed to plan the trip to be really fairly inexpensive. it was going to be awesome.

but then. hours at work got cut. pretty drastically. oh, but we get to claim unemployment to make up the difference. great! except for some reason, even though i'm approved for benefits, each week i claim it's denied. so i'm sitting here, not able to pay basically any of my bills, desperately trying to keep my bank account afloat, not able to continue setting aside the small amounts i needed for my trip. it's not looking good. so some things get altered. one day less at the park, no big deal. still, can't afford it. but i'm not going to call off my trip. i know that if i'm supposed to go down there, somehow (read: only by the grace of God), things will fall into place. that's just how it works for me. in a last ditch effort, i ask my mom to give me a loan in lieu of a birthday present. but she can't. so i'm pretty much effed. i am getting cash from my mom for my birthday and half of my christmas gift money and i know i'll get a little something from my gramma too. i have just enough in savings that maybe, just maybe i can make this work.

tonight. i fly out tomorrow morning. it's down to the wire. i log on to my online banking to see just how bad it's going to be and consider cutting it down to only one day in the park instead of two.

wha ...

my balance has grown by quite a significant sum.

i got approved for unemployment. for the first time. the only time? i don't know. but it's just enough that everything is going to be just fine.

i literally cried you guys. i truly don't understand why God blesses me so much. continually. it's inexplicable and undeserved. i am so so truly blessed and so incredibly grateful.

Disney or bust!

RIP qwerty

today has been an eff of a day. i have faith that it could turn around, i do. but aside from some small, completely superficial and irrelevant pleasures (read: this and yeah, this too) so far, this day is for crap.

the most recent development, i dumped my entire water bottle into my keyboard. my very favorite, ergonomic, fancy pants keyboard. the keyboard i have moved with me as i've changed jobs around here. i drained it (yes, there was that much water) and ran paper towels between the keys, but it's still entering a perpetual 1, over and over and over. Keegan says it might recover in a couple of days, and i believe it might. but in the interim, i'm using a crap flat keyboard. i can feel my hands getting crampy already. and i'm typing like a freaking beginner. i keep having to look down for keystrokes. my fingers knew that other keyboard so well, they just floated over it. i miss it.

plus, now i have no clean yummy filtered water from home to drink. like i said, this day is for crap.

(eff dude. i'm now realizing that the rolly scrolly thing on my mouse isn't working either. sad sad sad sad.)

fingers crossed

i currently have four irons in the fire by way of options for new employment. one of them i would maybe take if it was offered, one i would most likely take if offered, but i wouldn't mind terribly if it wasn't, one i would probably really enjoy and one of them i would squeal and do a happy dance if i got it.

they all have their pros and cons, even the happy dance one which is half an hour away. and i know this isn't the climate to be looking for work or to be picky for that matter.

but i would really appreciate prayers. maybe prayers in the general leaning of the happy dance one.

oh happy dance, how i wish to dance you.

anticipation

i was told by my inside source that i'm on the list for interviews with for the job i applied for. i haven't received an official call saying so, but i'm trying to wait patiently. i've already started taking some random things home from work so that i won't have a ton of stuff to pack up when the time comes. i've already started focusing on all the positive things that would come from this new job.

i guess i should really try not to get ahead of myself, but if the pay is even a bit comparable, i really believe i'll take it. it's time.

prayers are always appreciated. thank you. :)

the time has come, the walrus said

well, i officially applied for a different full time job this week. i found out that i'm on the list for interviews, but that the job doesn't pay as much as my current one.

initially, this made me count this out as an option. i also know the preschool at our church is hiring a part time teacher for a 3:30 to 6:30 shift. if i shuffle my hours at my current job a little, i would still be working withing the limitations they've set, but i could leave early enough to work in the pre-school as well. those will be some long days if it comes to that.

then this afternoon, after my boss had left work, he called me from his cell phone and reamed me out for about five minutes. all of the details aren't important, but basically he wanted me to finish a project but i hadn't received all the information i needed to complete it and he spent a long time telling me that i should have been hounding people for the information every day until i got it. (never mind that these people are salaried managers and were expressly told, by him, to get me the information. apparently, according to him, they are incapable of doing that unless i continually and consistently nag them for it. but that's not really the point.)

in the moments after i hung up the phone, i felt so angry and frustrated (and slightly worthless) that i thought, you know what? for a little peace of mind and a lot less stress, maybe i'd be okay with making less per hour. at this point, it might end up being more per week.

at the very least, if they call me for an interview, i'm going. i firmly believe that if it's where God wants me, it will all work out. that's just the way it is.