Friday, September 26, 2008

life's too short

last sunday, a friend and i attended a party at our mutual friend’s house. it was a small get together, just her husband, a few of her friends from church, her mom and sister, a long time family friend. some people had children and brought them and they played outside with our friends’ daughter. her husband used to be a chef so he had prepared some fancy little sandwiches for our party. he tried to make sure everyone ate plenty, warning them that if they didn’t they’d have to take some home with them for later. he pulled the nozzle hose from the sink and showed us how he’d positioned their daughters’ swing outside in perfect range for him to spray them through the kitchen window screen. he kissed his wife and said how lucky he was to have her, told her mom they needed a picture of her and her husband to add to their mantle. he waved goodbye to us as we left and thanked us for coming.

last night the friend i went to the party with tried to visit our friend at her place of work, but she wasn’t there. my friend was informed that they weren’t sure when she’d be back because her husband had died. i saw him sunday. on wednesday he was gone.

as shattering as that felt, we then found out that he committed suicide. the original story was that she came home from work to find him. the true story that she told us: he told her he was tired of being in pain (he had a back problem that made his feet hurt and go numb i guess) but then he took his nightly medication and headed to the bedroom. she heard what she thought was maybe the television remote control smashing against the bedroom wall and went in to find that it had actually been a gunshot. their nine year old daughter, i’m assuming, was in the other room.
i was told by a friend that when someone dies, maybe someone you don’t know terribly well, an acquaintance possibly, it’s hard to accept. say they die in a tragic car accident, it hurts and it’s difficult to get past. but for some reason, if they commit suicide, it just feels so much heavier. it’s so much harder to wrap your head around. i think she’s right. i started off being terribly sad about it all. what a waste. how tragic. but now i’ve really more moved on to anger. i can’t seem to grasp how anyone could be so selfish and cowardly. maybe that’s a little harsh. but really, if you’re going to do something like that, couldn’t you have the decency and consideration for your wife to not do it while she’s within feet of you? couldn’t you have the foresight to do whatever you could to preserve your little daughters innocence and mental well-being? couldn’t you think about the fact that your wife, and most likely your daughter as well, will blame themselves and ask why didn’t they do something differently? if only this, this and this … maybe they could have prevented this all?

i know there’s a reason for everything. even things that i think are horrible, i know God has a purpose for all that He does. but i can’t help but think how unfair it is that now my friend has to raise her daughter alone. or that her daughter has to grow up without her dad. without her dad to teach her how to drive a stick shift or walk her down the aisle when she gets married. i know that there’s a reason. but that doesn’t make it any easier.

Monday, September 15, 2008


I'm so honored to be tagged for this! :] Now let's see if I can think of some non-lame random facts about me ...

  1. I sing slash talk to myself all the time. Seriously, people probably think I'm crazy. I love to sing, especially jazz music. The moment I'm alone in my office, I hit play on my music and sing all by myself. Then I look like a freak because it startles me when someone comes in, since I'm lost in my own little world of singing. I probably jump 3 feet every time.
  2. I always push a cart when I got to the store. Even if I absolutely know I'm not buying anything, I get a cart and push it around the store. (Lol, I think that makes me sound even more crazy.)
  3. My heart physically hurts when I think about people that I miss or things that I don't like. (i.e. my dear friends moving away, my daddy going back overseas, my sister and brother-in-law living so far away with my soon-to-be nephew, etc.)
  4. Maybe everyone has this, but I have an acute smell-memory. Certain smells take me back to very specific memories. There's a certain handsoap that must have been used at the camp where I was a counselor because when I use it, I'm right back in that camp. Lucky Brand perfume - I love love love the smell of it, but a girl I was once very close friends with wore it so when I smell it, it makes me think of how unpleasantly things ended between us. My Elizabeth Arden perfume smells like summertime, and evenings in May or June make me think of pre-summer school-time apathy.
  5. I have ophidiophobia. Fear of snakes. Not like, funny ha ha either. No, fake ones, pictures of them, ingenius pranks, these are not even remotely amusing. In fact, they're a good way for me not to trust you anymore.
  6. I over think everything. Absolutely everything. I believe the only reason my life ever moves forward is because eventually I wear myself out, thinking about and weighing options and I am forced to let go. And then God handles it.

This is where it gets sad because, I don't have 6 blog friends. And one of the only ones I do have has obviously already done it.

Oh! I know what I'll do, I'll put this on my myspace. I have plenty of myspace friends. Some who might even do it. :]

My MySpace

*Note: Due to restrictions, I won't actually be able to post this to MySpace until probably Wednesday. Ana, I'm totally tagging you. :] I miss your face.

The Rules:

1. Link to the person who tagged you.

2. Post the rules on the blog.

3. Write six random things about yourself.

4. Tag six people at the end of your post.

5. Let each person know they have been tagged.

6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up.