Thursday, April 30, 2009

well, when you say it that way ...

why is sexism okay if delivered correctly?

"let's give her a few more packets of people to call. girls just sound better on the phone and you have work to do."

okay, maybe that's not an incredibly sexist statement ... but i'm sorry. i have work to do too. this is my first break today. and trust, it will be short. it's month end, i have to make sure all data is entered and squared away by the cut off time. i also have to prepare and assemble the month end reports, the week end reports, it's payday so there are checks to distribute, the charts and graphs have to be updated and printed and apparently we need a training calendar update. again. plus, i'm not coming in saturday so i can go to my dad's mobilization ceremony. so i should add to this list a seemingly endless number of phone calls to customers because i'm a girl so it'll sound better?

speak in a falsetto and get over it.


coming from the person who said this, i almost feel more inclined to be a little flattered that he's implying i have a nice voice. so, apparently any feminist leanings go out the window when the proper spin and inflection is employed.


maybe i'm just not nearly as girl-power as i thought. maybe. probably not though.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

happy administrative professionals day!

this is basically just a little post for me, wishing me a happy admin day.

yay me!

update: the first time i posted this i completely spelled professionals wrong ... some admin i am!

Thursday, April 16, 2009

it never fails ...

so, usually, right after i post about something i'm struggling with or upset about or frustrated by, it's only about a day or so before it comes to me how to get over it or why i shouldn't be upset or frustrated.

this time, it occurred to me that the reason it feels wrong to be fake-nice with people instead of showing my distaste is because it is. i shouldn't pretend to like someone, i should just like them. just because i don't love someone's personality traits doesn't mean that they are any less deserving of love and tolerance. if imperfect, totally undeserving me gets to be a child of God, loved and treasured despite glaring flaws, why wouldn't someone else?

so the answer is not, "put on a nice face and try to keep your dislike hidden" but rather, "turn inside and examine yourself, lift them up in prayer and realize that they are loved by God just as you are." that in itself is reason enough to show them kindness and love, because God would and He would want me to.

as usual, easier said than done. but i'll work on it.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

puh puh puh poker face, puh puh poker face

okay. i admit, that song is growing on me.

so, i've actually had multiple conversations recently about the fact that apparently, i have no poker face. one friend told me that i can't keep my emotions from showing on my face, another told me that if i dislike someone, it's pretty obvious. she said i'm not mean to them or anything, but that i'm generally warm to people, so when i'm dealing with someone i don't care for, it shows in a lack of that warmth.

i can't decide if this is a good thing or not. i mean, i guess in some aspects it's good. it means i'm typically not ever fake with people and that i'm pretty easy to read. but do i want to be easy to read? i tend to think not.

i like having an expressive face. i can usually communicate something to a perceptive person with minimal effort. but i think being able to mask the emotions i'm feeling is just as valuable a tool. perhaps even more so.

i'm pretty sure i used to have a poker face. i'm not sure when i lost it. or maybe, i was just blessed enough to never have encountered people in my life that i felt so strongly about that i couldn't hide it. or maybe, as one friend put it, i just have a lower tolerance for b.s. now.

every time i think, 'okay, i'm going to teach myself to be more neutral. i can make it so that he won't even know i don't like him.' i get a little disgusted with myself. how terrible would i feel if i found out that someone i genuinely thought liked me, actually didn't? so maybe the key is to never let them find out. i guess it comes down to whether it's more important to be "real" with people or to be universally kind.

i'm pretty sure the answer is universally kind.

hmmmm ... this will take some practice.

Monday, April 13, 2009

writing while angry

i came across something i scribbled out one day while i was apparently incredibly upset. i guess it doesn't really apply anymore, but i was struck by how it flowed ... especially for something that i must have scrawled in the midst of some high emotions. i figured it deserved preservation, so here it is.

ridiculous. absolutely ridiculous. don't blame your lack of communication on me. i don't care if people see you for the JACKASS you are. i will not stand in to take the fall for you. you have to EARN that kind of loyalty. you have done nothing to earn that kind of respect from me.

maybe it's just because it's in my voice or because of the angry slant it was written at, but i could almost feel the intensity of the feeling behind it.

perhaps i just write better when i'm feeling very passionately about something. i don't think i want to get into why it would seem to be that the most passionate writing i have is negative ....

another day perhaps.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

hoppy easter

lol, okay sorry. i had to be cheesy for a minute!

(who am i kidding? i love cheesy. chessy is my middle name.)

i just wanted to wish everyone a happy easter. i hope you get to enjoy the holiday with people you love.

i hope you get to enjoy every sunday with people you love.

goodnight all!

Thursday, April 9, 2009

gangster kitties

is there some kind of kitty gang initiation that involves them bounding out of tall grass directly in front of oncoming traffic? because i really don't like being involved in it.

when i was in high school, a cat jumped out of a wheat field literally yards in front of my car, it was absolutely impossible to miss it. my friend and i freaked out, i'm pretty sure i cried.

a couple of weeks ago, a cat came jumping out of a ditch right in front of me on the straight stretch into town. it was literally like it was aiming for my front tires. i had to pull over.

other than these two, a possum darted out in the dark one night, and there have been two vveeerrrryyy close calls with deer.

i just don't understand why these kamikaze kitties seem to have a death wish. if they're really determined, more power to them. but if they're going to fail the initiation into the rogue kitty gang, then they need to stop using my car as the target.

dark clouds rolling in

... literally. not metaphorically. the sky is getting really dark. it must be getting ready to dump buckets!

i've been feeling pretty good about things lately. things are definitely improving, or at least in the process of. i'm getting really excited about the future and i'm liking what's going on right now.

not to be a pessimist or anything, but i can't help but think that means some not so great times might be around the bend.

i'm really not a cup-half-empty kind of girl!

this post was originally going in a different direction, but it came off sounding far too negative. so never mind.

i think that things are pretty sort-of-okay right now and that means they can only keep getting better. there are definite dark spots, but i'm praying over those and i believe that God will handle them.

so, basically, this post was a nice way to waste my lunch break. mission accomplished! :)

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

the f(ailure) word is not an option

not that there are a ton of people who read this or anything, but i'm going to throw this out there for accountability purposes ... mostly my own. if i want to run from it, i'll have to delete this post and get some M.I.B. technology to take to the few of you who do read.

by the end of april, i WILL have all things constituting "crap" out of my lovely squanto. (other than the motor, ceiling lining, driver's bucket seat and passenger side speaker - all of which could also be classified as "crap")

i would go on, but just in case i less-than-succeed ... i don't want to feel the sting of failure too powerfully. so after this works (because it will) i'll challenge myself with some more lofty goals.

baby steps. baby steps.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

or lack thereof

why is it that when i'm sitting at work, i have all this drive to get stuff done at home? on my break i start scribbling lists of what needs to be accomplished and what i'll do first to maximize my time frame. i make plans and lay out detailed step by step action items (complete with empty boxes to check!) on my lunch break. i fight the urge to want to leave work early, just so i can take advantage of this raging motivation and get a jump on checking off some of those boxes!

then i leave work. go home. let rocco out. maybe play the piano for a bit. look around with my hands on my hips. play the piano some more. decide to go to mac. spend the evening at leslie's/parents'/anywhereelsebuthome. go back home. go to bed. wake up. go to work. get excited for cleaning and organizing and checklists and accomplishment and renewed lifestyle all over again!

why is that?

Sunday, April 5, 2009

some things about me

i occasionally bump cheesy music in my car. it makes me feel better.

i wish i was 3 inches shorter.

i love watching the behind the scenes special features on movies. or watching the feature with the director's commentary on. it fascinates me to know how things are done.

i want to be a part of that one day.

i love shoes. it's truly an illness. i think they are fabulous.

i have a really hard time getting rid of things. i really want to. it's just hard to do it. i don't know why.

i love the way the keys clack when someone types quickly on a keyboard.

i daydream a lot.

i feel pretty strong convictions about things sometimes. currently it's the r-word.

i don't want to be all talk.

i want to own a gun.

i love that half awake, half asleep, still dreaming, waking up slowly feeling.

i wish i could play piano.

i love to sing. i won't do it in front of people most of the time but i wish i could. i really love singing.

i'm incredibly proud of my father.

i wish my life was different.

i think i'm really concieted sometimes.

i should be doing something else right now.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

from the shelves of randomocity ...

so, the night before last i had a dream that i was at my parents' house, at a children's birthday party. no idea who the child in question was. it was being put on by jon favreau for whatever reason. apparently, in this universe it was a business of his, putting on children's birthday parties. so he was sitting on the couch and i was chatting with him and i was like, "not to sound like a stalker or anything, but i follow you on twitter and i totally love the "geek tours" of your house! iron man rocks." and he said something along the lines of thank you. and i woke up.

last night, i had a dream that my friend was running away from her life and responsibilities. she was running to europe somewhere. i tried to physically restrain her from going, unsuccessfully. she got away, came back once, went again. i was upset because i wouldn't have enough money to buy a ticket to fly to convince her to come back. (because apparently phones aren't an option.) all of this was taking place at a big, museum type of building where an american-idol-judges-look-alike contest was going on. i saw the paula abdul look-alikes (from whom a winner was being chosen by paula) from a distance. i was right in with the crowd of kara dioguardi look-alikes and she was there to pick the winner, dressed all in white with a big floppy hat tilted a little over one eye, a white fur muff and a round, hat-box like purse. she told me i should look for the emmy rossum look-alike contest. i think i ignored her and was telling someone how frustrating it was that i couldn't afford to go after my friend to europe. i jokingly said to him, "unless of course, you want to buy my tickets. hahahaha." (he was apparently someone famous and wealthy, so it seemed an appropriate joke i suppose.) to which he replied that was fine, he would. i was in shock.

then i woke up to find that i had overslept all three of my alarms by two hours and was a good ten minutes late for work.