Wednesday, July 29, 2009

shut up and DO IT!

so you don't like who you are? you don't like how you look, how you feel, how you exist? well, acknowledging that was a good step. good for you.

now what?

so you write about it. you pray about it. you make lists and plans and schedules. you dream dreams, map out ideas.

and then?

is that it? really? you're just going to keep looping around in this, "i'm not happy with who i am so i'm going to work on changing that" self-help guru sounding garbage, but not actually do anything about it?

stop being an idiot! stop treading water! stop stalling, making excuses for yourself, whining and procrastinating. TAKE ACTION!

you're making me sick. please. get over yourself and just do it already.

to-do list (2)

y'all are the worst accountability partners ever! i was supposed to be posting this once a week and i think it's been almost two! luckily, i haven't given up on you. or me. :)

- call PL
- call tx
- call Gail
- clean S
- dd Si6
- buy porch bed
- buy filter
- gift for mk
- gift for db
- gift for ant.j
- gift for cc
- gift for al
(gifts are going to kill me!)
- PO box
- library
- dr. appt.
- dr. foltz
- buy brushes
- call c to suspend!

this is the very definition of no bueno. i've crossed off less than i've added. okay, this week i'll do a better job! i WILL!

Monday, July 27, 2009

warm fuzzies

this song by Jimmy Needham is one of my favorites. i completely adore the lyrics and the melody. reading the lyrics might not actually do it justice. if you've never heard this song, i suggest you look it up! :)


you’re my unfathomable precious unimaginable joy
and you’re exceedingly excited and abundantly more than I could ask for
with your hand in mine we will pass through time and space
and every second, every minute, every hour of every day I’ll say

my unfailing love for you will not be moved
for you will not be moved
my unfailing love for you
and though the mountains be shaken
and the hills be removed
yet my unfailing love for you

He tells a story of a King coming in glory and He is
and that same Man who devised that plan united ours with His
and so hand in hand we will walk with Him as our two become as one
and all the promises He promises to us He promises will never be undone

Friday, July 24, 2009

gimme gimme!

do you know people who's first thought upon meeting someone is, "what can i gain from this relationship?" are YOU one of those people?

i have a friend like that. every time she meets someone it's like the first thing out of her mouth about them is, "well, they're really good at such and such, so here's how that could benefit me."

i know people who do stuff. (wow. lamest statement ever.) my uncle is a mechanic, but i don't feel like i should ever ask him to do something for me at any kind of discount. much less expect him to! one of my classroom volunteers is a hairdresser. i would feel funny asking her if she could cut me a deal on a hair cut. i work with a computer GeNiUs. i ask his advice sometimes but i feel guilty if i ever actually ask him to do something for me personally.

maybe this all ties back to my inexplicable guilt complex? (again, that's a whole separate post. or perhaps, a series of posts.) maybe it's totally acceptable to expect people to bestow their goods or services on me because we're family/friends/acquaintances/coworkers? i don't know. i don't think it's okay. i don't think it's attractive. in fact, i think it's pretty darn ugly.

***please note*** this is considered a "blind item." basically, if you're reading this blog, i'm probably not going to write about you. i'm not that much of an idiot. however, if this is convicting to you, that's a whole different ball of wax. perhaps if this strikes a chord with you, you should examine WHY that is.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

to-do list

so last week, i think on tuesday, i said something like, "today's the day. no more 'tomorrow' ... the time is now." something along those lines.

well, i didn't do that thing that day. whoops. follow-through fail.

so i'm going to put together a to-do list here. i'm going to re-post it once a week until everything is crossed off. sorry if that's annoying, but this way i'll have to really do this crap. to avoid embarrassment, if nothing else.

(these things don't need to make sense to you. even if you don't know what it is, you'll be able to tell if i've done it or not. please feel free to harass the crap out of me if i don't get stuff crossed off. thank you for your assistance in this.)

- call PL
- call tx
- call Gail
- clean S
- dd Si6
- buy porch bed
- buy filter
- gift for m
- gift for d
- gift for aj
- gift for cc
- gift for a
(gifts are going to kill me!)
- PO box

okay. i'm super annoyed. when i thought of this earlier, i had a bunch of things in mind. not these things. of course now i can't think of them. i can always add stuff.

that is all.

update: i'm sneaking these things onto my list ...

- library
- dr. appt.
- dr. foltz
- buy brushes

take this jay-oh-bee

i probably started this on 15 different trains of thought. or maybe, ultimately, it was the same train of thought and i just tried to start 15 different ways.

regardless, (sidebar: how much do you hate when people say things like irregardless? it bothers me SO much!) none of it was really going where i wanted it to.

so today, we'll suffice it to say: *different* is on the horizon. and i couldn't be more excited.

(haha, "irregardless" was the only word spellcheck didn't recognize in this post. buah ha ha ha ha!)

Monday, July 13, 2009

sometimes i think you might be bipolar

i have been having some strange dreams lately. these include, but are not limited to:

hanging out in a bar in mcminnville that i've never been to and all of the currently touring american idol peeps were there. there was more to this dream and it got really weird, but i don't remember it all now.

working in a new job that's really really cool, but i have no idea what it is or what's going on. just that i love it. i guess that's good, right?

then a very strange one involving a member of a family that doesn't like me much (although this person is my friend on facebook, so maybe they feel differently?) and a weird situation ... i was in a bathroom, similar to one at our high school. for some reason, he was in the bathroom as well and was refusing to give me any privacy. (there also seemed to be no stalls ... so weird.) i was at that like, i-will-explode-if-i-don't-go-to-the-bathroom-soon point of bladder retention. (i think this dream was right before i woke up and i really did have to go that badly. sorry. tmi.) i finally gave up and then he somehow used that to spread a nasty rumor about me all around school ... something to do with me having a kid out of wedlock. or something. i have no idea. the madness. i think what it boiled down to was that (because IRL he's my friend on facebook?) in the dream, i thought he was on "my side" of the drama between myself and his family but he was really tricking me in order to bring me down. no idea where this all stemmed from.

anyway. now you're caught up. i'll try to be more interesting in the future. apologies.

Friday, July 10, 2009


wednesday night i went to Ben's graduation party and saw some old friends that i haven't seen in probably two years or so. it was nice to catch up! well, in person. one of them is someone i follow on twitter, Anna. she follows me as well. @annalog81807 if you're interested. she and her husband Mike were talking about how i tweet a lot. i know i do. i can't really place a finger on why, other than maybe the same reason i blog. but shorter and more convenient. i don't really know exactly why i blog though either ... self exploration/improvement/investigation? pure, unadulterated narcissism? ... Mike was talking about how she gets a text and she's excited and then it's like, "oh, it's just Lindsay on twitter." but she swore up and down it's okay because she finds it interesting. (i choose to believe that because, realistically, if it annoyed her as much as i fear it might, she could easily stop receiving my updates on her phone ... )

then last night, Ben and i had milkshakes with some people at shari's and we were talking again about how much i tweet. Ben only follows a very small handful of people on twitter. i think it's up to six now. so he showed me his twitterific app on his iPhone and how it is FILLED with my face. just me, over and over and over and OVER again. occasionally someone else. then more me. for some reason it was totally embarrassing! like, i need to just shut up already!

so i promised to reign it in for at least a weekend. if nothing else, perhaps it will break my habit of seemingly immediately reaching for my phone to put everything that i think is even remotely entertaining on twitter. (i should point out, Ben also insisted, although slightly less convincingly, that it wasn't like he thought i should stop. just that it's a lot.)

i have to say, it's been a little hard so far. it's not bad at work, i've been terribly busy anyway. but even just last night, every funny quote ... it was like it needed to be shared!

in thinking about it, i decided: so i tweet a lot. and? if someone really doesn't like it, it's pretty simple to unfollow. go for it. (and then i will be really sad because i'll totally take it personally. it's what i do. i can't help it.) but i'll keep tweeting. because SOME people find it funny. SOME people find it entertaining, or even interesting at times. even if SOME ... is me.

this is me. take it or leave it. if you want ...

(i'm working on not being a people pleaser. and guilt. omg, guilt will have to be a whole separate post. so much guilt.)

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

dream weaver

i woke up in the middle of a weird dream last night. naturally, i'm going to share it with you because i know you care. shhh, you do.

ana was here visiting. however, "here" was new mexico. we were at the high school. in the movie theater. yeah, there was a movie theater at the high school. we were up in the balcony watching some movie and doug was there too. he came because he wanted to see ana. so apparently they came from different places. i was then on the other side of a wall that split the balcony and ana and doug were watching with someone else. as was i. no idea who these extras were, but they had identities at the time. then, randomly, i was running away from alexander skarsgård. i know, who in their right mind would run AWAY from that man? but he was chasing me. like, bent on killing me chasing me. i had something valuable and he wanted it but i had to do whatever i could to keep it from him. since he's a huge, athletic person, it was like i was running through jello and he was definitely not. i ended up getting into a building (oh yeah, i was running from him across a grassy field or a really big lawn) and locking the double doors. and he was right there, glaring at me through the door. and i laughed and pointed in his face, then did a gloating little dance while continuing to laugh and point. and then he walked around the corner and came in the other door. and then i opened my eyes and i had fallen asleep on the couch and one of those 5am work out shows was on. you know, the kind with the old ladies and they do all their workouts from a chair? but still have a modified version, in case you can't handle that? that kind.

maybe next time i can change the dream so that alexander skarsgård and i are getting married. i think i'd wake up much less scared.

also. i now have that one line of dream weaver stuck in my head. i hope you do too. 'cause i'm evil like that. :)

Monday, July 6, 2009

weekend update

i was told by my dear friend Kristina that i don't blog enough. and that i'm not allowed to check her blog for new posts unless i've posted one myself. well, fine then. but, this also means that every time i check and she doesn't have one, i get to write a strongly worded comment on her blog, demanding updates. :)

i love the fourth of july. it's really one of the best holidays. you get to blow stuff up, shoot sparkly things in the sky, barbecue and hang out with family. and get paid time off. i mean, what could be better? really.

it was such a nice, low stress weekend. nothing really went as planned and that was totally fine. i started the weekend helping a friend at work celebrate his promotion, i spent some time watching a deadliest catch marathon (and now i want to go crabbing. i mean, i think i'll be super let down to catch red rock crab and not alaskan king, but still. it's fun.). i got to hang out with my family, give my pregnant aunt a foot rub (she had ankles again for a little while!) we lit fireworks and ate good food. i got to have coffee with Krissy (who i haven't actually gotten to hang out with in FAR too long) and, even though our current favorite show wasn't on last night, i got to hang out with Leslie as well.

my conversation over coffee was enlightening and got me thinking. (as most conversations with Kristina do.) about six months ago, i set up a loose one year plan for myself. there was no definitive goal for the end of the year, other than "something will change" ... whether that change meant moving to LA to attend cosmetology school or to portland for a change of pace or figuring out a way to go back to school and possibly become a teacher. just something had to change because i was not at all happy with the way things were/are.

well, just making that decision has gotten me this far. knowing that action would be taken has buoyed my spirits until now. however, i'm realizing that nothing much has truly changed. i'm supposed to be in process, setting myself up for the better things that are to come. but i'm still just kind of treading water. so chatting openly and frankly about where i'm at, how happy that makes me and where i might like to be ... that was a nice reminder that i need to kick it in gear.

so i might be getting a third job. i might be filling all of my evenings and weekends with work and pushing myself to the limit. i might hate it at times. i might be exhausted a lot. but it's all for a purpose. it's to a better end. it will be worth it. i can't advance to the point in my life that i'd like to be at if i stay stagnant.


update: since starting this post, i've learned that my old boss here was let go. his position was eliminated company wide. so apparently the "corporate restructure" emotional roller coaster nightmare that we endured last year is happening again. but honestly, i'm not concerned this time. i mean, i don't think that i'm beyond the reach of it all or in any way "safe" ... but i feel like whatever happens, is meant to happen. i'm kind of looking forward to these next few months. they shouldn't be boring, at the very least!

ALSO: my pregnant aunt is no longer pregnant! little Rilee Kennedy came out to join our crazy family! :D welcome Rilee! we love you already!