Monday, December 29, 2008

real life

well, i escaped from seattle finally and then lived through a half cancelled, drawn out Christmas. i'm back at work and real life.

i am totally struggling with some very serious feelings of apathy. i don't want to feel that way. but it kind of consumes me. i keep having these weird dreams. i don't really put a lot of stock in dreams holding deeper meaning or foretelling the future. i think that God can totally use them that way if He chooses, but i think that they're mostly what psychology tells us they are: your brain sorting through the problems you either couldn't or chose not to acknowledge in the light of day. that, and just random silliness based on what you've read, watched or hoped for. anyway, these dreams are just strange though. they're the kind that seem very real. the kind that, when you wake up, you're confused about reality because you really believe whatever scenario the dream put forth. they're not always about the same things, but lately they've all been very similar. when i wake up, after i realize it was just a dream, i still seem to hold this feeling of, "well, it's only a dream right now, but eventually it will be reality." i don't know if that just stems from the confusion after such a realistic dream or if i'm trying to tell myself something. like, maybe what the dreams are depicting is something i really want and maybe should think about working toward.

how silly is this? is the truth that i've just become so dissatisfied with my own life that i've deluded myself into thinking this dream life is one that will exist for me someday? i suppose that's possible.

i don't feel quite so physically achy lately. i think i know what has been missing ... or rather, what i've been neglecting in my life. it seems so stupid of me, to agonize over all of these trivial little things, chasing bits of dust in the sunlight when really, i believe everything would fall into place very nicely if i was just doing what i'm supposed to be.

i had a very nice, long conversation with an old friend the other night. i hadn't seen him in probably two years or so. things didn't end on the most perfect terms with us and i was a little nervous about our dinner. especially when the two people who were supposed to be joining us, our safety net if you will, bailed at the last minute and we decided to go anyway. but it was the farthest thing from awkward! it was very comfortable and very easy. and it became really clear to me that all the doubt and regret i've been holding on to about him and our whole situation was really unfounded. i made the right decision in the first place and i'm really glad to have that validated. it's nice too to have moved past feeling regret, remorse, doubt about it all. it's nice to just embrace our friendship for what it is. i hope he walked away feeling similarly.

alrighty. well, that's about it i suppose. just another messed up day in my head! :]

Monday, December 22, 2008

snow patrol

i've stayed up all this night, trying to keep the weather from turning bad by sheer force of will.

well, that and prayer. i don't actually delude myself into thinking that my will has any kind of effect on what will be.

as of this moment, there are no snowflakes falling on this part of seattle. the last time i checked in with amtrak, my train was still scheduled to leave tomorr ... well, this morning. in just about 4 hours, i will be on a train headed home, if all goes according to plan. i mean, i guess it's not really according to plan or i might actually be sitting at shari's right now, having ridden the train home this afternoon. but the new plan. the new plan has me on a train at 7:30am. please God ... please.

i have so much to do! i need to get the dog that i'm supposed to be actively dog sitting back from his temporary home, i need to address the issue of unwrapped christmas gifts ... and un-purchased ones as well ... oy. i need to start breathing down the neck of my former property manager, as i am beginning to doubt this whole weeks-dragging-on-weeks-wait-is-standard-procedure-for-getting-your-security-deposit-back thing. i need pictures in the record breaking snow, i need to get to work so that i'm not a desolate, poor, homeless person for the new year. there are conversations to be had, rock band games to be played, snow angels and snowmen to make, snowballs to lob, coffee dates to lose myself in, books to re-read! i cannot sit here, stagnant and stranded! seattle, let me free!

okay, i should probably nap for at least a couple of hours. that way, if i AM riding the train 4 hours from now, people won't be pitying the poor crazy lady talking to herself in the last car.

although ... maybe i would get to sit alone in that situation ...

something to ponder ...


so, i'm currently stranded in seattle. it's so snowy and beautiful. but not where i want to be stuck! i've had a great time just chilling with my wonderful, dear old friend alex. but it's getting close to christmas now and i just want to go home. i have friends that have come and are coming in from out of town for the holidays and i just want to hang out with them. :( i feel so stuck!

it's been nice chatting with my lovely friend. i've had a lot on my mind lately and it was nice to bounce thoughts off of a new perspective, get some fresh insight. it doesn't really change the fact that i still don't know what to do, what action to take, if any. it doesn't give me the answers i've been trying to find or solve any mysteries for me. but it feels better to have spoken some things out loud, come to grips with some things i'd never really vocalized.

i was challenged to make some real changes. some real, solid, forward motion. i really am tired of living in fear of change, fear of advance. i don't really know what the new will be. i just know that i need to be open to it. willing to accept it and embrace it and even chase after it if it's not simply falling into my lap. okay, just typing that last part made my stomach churn.

ugh. i don't know what to do. i don't know what's coming. i don't know how to prepare. i hate the unknown! i probably shouldn't. sometimes the unknown holds the best stuff. christmas and birthday gifts, surprise parties, unexpected visitors. :] then again, sometimes it's downright terrifying. suspense laden, ominous meeting requests from your boss, staring into the future considering what could be, or what might not ever be. it literally makes me physically ill to think about this all so much. alex actually started to get concerned that i might have some kind of stomach bug or something because it just wouldn't stop hurting. but i know it's in my head. because if i can distract myself long enough, in a good book or getting wrapped up in a movie or something, it goes away. at least, until i start thinking about it again.

i've been reading a really great series of books and i'm about 20 pages from being done with the last one. i keep putting it off though because i feel like once i finish i won't have an escape anymore. i'll have to think about reality rather than letting myself be absorbed into fantasy. what have i become? since when does real life scare me? since when is real life too much for me to wrap my head around?

i have this kind of throbbing hole in the center of me. i don't know if it's something that i need to fill or something i've just been neglecting. i can think of a few things in the latter category.

hm. perhaps this isn't the hour to be getting so deeply entangled in my thoughts. maybe a little sleep is all i need.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

i kinda hate people sometimes

you know, i just don't get people. i mean, if you want to be the cool guy, be all buddy buddy, no big deal ... fine. just do it. if you want to bring down the hammer and have things be just so, this is what needs to be done, period, end of discussion ... fine. just DO IT!

there is NO in between. there is a balance, sure. but you have to be smart enough to find it! there is the option of being a friend while also being a firm hand of guidance and instruction. it's not impossible. i've seen it done! you CANNOT be one extreme to someone's face and then proceed to storm around behind their back saying just the opposite. it's not professional! it's not good leadership! it's not even remotely polite!

if you want to be the man, then be the man. i'd have a lot more respect for you if you were. however, any kind of respect dissolves at lightening speed when you're a phony, slimy pushover. drop a pair for crying out loud! man up!

and another thing, i'm sick to death of listening to your thinly veiled expressions of distaste for your former ... whatever the hell she was. don't be such an a$$hole! you're not fooling ANYONE when you go off on some little tirade about how she is doing things all wrong and you think it's unprofessional and how you've talked to people about what a problem you think it is. i'm sorry, wasn't it only LAST MONTH that you told me to turn to her for EVERY question or problem that i had? praised her abilities and intelligence? basically told me to be just like her? WTF?! you are such a pig!!!

you know, i don't really know why i ever defended you to anyone. why am i always doing that? everyone will tell me something and i'll refuse to believe it. i try to make excuses for their behaviors and actions, find some reason behind it all. surely they're just misunderstood ... they can't really be as bad as people seem to think. i am almost ALWAYS proven wrong! why give people the benefit of the doubt? apparently i am a terrible judge of character.

ugh. you pretty much disgust me. i wish i had another option.

Friday, December 12, 2008

raindrops in my tea

i refuse to get sick.

attn: germs ... you will NOT win.

today, i've had water, a couple of mugs of black tea with honey and airborne. i'm out of zicam and cold eeze or those would be on the list as well.

i'm kind of bumming today. not really sure why. some stuff today has made me a little melonchaly and some stuff from last night is really weighing heavy on my heart.

oh jeez, i just realized i can sing as low as diana krall on under my skin. that is an EXCELLENT sign that my voice is altered. hopefully i can still hit the high e in our concert tomorrow.

maybe karaoke last night wasn't such a good idea ...

i really hope it snows this weekend. i mean, i know it's not the best thing in the world for the plants and if i had to miss work my paycheck would take a big hit. but snow ... snow might be worth it. i love snow so much.

woah, the sky is totally all blue right now. madness.

i'm officially going to pull myself out of this funk. i don't like feeling gloomy. mind over matter.

i suppose that is all.

hasta peoples.

Monday, December 8, 2008

in the holiday spirit

today at work i went out an picked out a christmas tree to bring in and decorate for our office. honestly, it's not that great of a tree because the really good one was nearly impossible to get to. but i'm excited to try to make it look nice and super festive. i dug out all my holiday decorations from last year that were in the back of a drawer. i need to go today and get some stockings and bring in puff paint so that our coaches can decorate one and we can hang them around. i also need to get some decorations for our tree. i'm thinking i'll go with a green and blue theme. just to make it look a little more polished.

my roommate and i are trying to get a piano. we found one for 60 dollars and should have the people and resources to move it but she went and looked at it and said it sounded like tin when she played it. we know it'll need to be tuned, i'm wondering if tuning would make it sound better or if that's just what the sound quality is.

i'm excited because next weekend i'm going to seattle to see some friends. i can't wait! it should be a lot of fun. i had to reschedule the whole thing so hopefully they're still able to make time for me that weekend. otherwise i'll be wandering around pikes place market all by my lonesome.

i hear rumors that it's supposed to snow at the end of this week or this weekend. i'm working really hard not to get my hopes up. but i sOoOoO luuuuuuuuvv snow it's a little difficult.

on my birthday i went to see twilight with my sisters and my roommate. for the second time ... i can't help it. i really like that movie. in fact, i really might go see it again. jeez, i'm such a 13 year old girl! oh well.

i went to an ugly christmas sweater party over the weekend. it was a lot of fun. a couple of us karaoke-d at the end of the night. i've never been karaoke-ing for real. it kind of sparked a little desire to do so. ... maybe when ana comes home.

i really want to have a big fun party for new year's eve. i've tossed around the idea of a masquerade. i don't know if i'd really have people who wanted to come or where for sure we'd have it. i mean, ana has plans. but scott and ben will be here. maybe we can have a party like the old days. hm. we'll see i suppose.

enough of the random.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

the proverbial olive branch

my friend and i are kind of having a thing right now.

lately she's been terribly flakey and has bailed on me in some really important times, times when i really needed her. i found this really frustrating and also confusing, as she isn't normally like this. i've brushed it off for the most part until last night. on my birthday, while i was sitting having some dinner and cake with my family she informed me that basically the plans i had for celebrating my birthday would not be happening as i had arranged. they would have to conform to fit her schedule, her life, her needs. i got really angry and stayed that way for a while. i had to call people who had set their work and family schedules around what i had planned and let them know i would no longer be able to follow through with those plans. i really didn't like having to do that. i held on to my anger until this morning.

i realized this morning that i hadn't asked my friend if she was available to come to, or was planning to come to, church. the only reason she has come to church at all is me, so if i'm fighting with her, why would she come? i felt very strongly convicted and got the sense that maybe this abnormal behavior she's been exhibiting is some kind of something that is happening in her, not on a conscious level, that is trying to push me away. if she can push me away, whatever kind of whatever it is that's pushing me away can continue living on in her life, unchallenged.

i won't back down so easily. i won't be pushed away by some secular disappointment.

so i've extended the proverbial olive branch ... birthday cake. i'm heading there with some now. how silly of me to even momentarily let something as petty as my plans get in the way of something so much bigger: God's.

Friday, December 5, 2008

stifling distaste

my post yesterday did prove to be cathartic. however, it has also made me think.

if there is someone that i feel so strongly about, but no one else seems to see it, perhaps it's just me.

i'm thinking that this is something i'll just have to let rest.

how do you act kindly to someone and be consistently nice, polite, even friendly, without being fake?

actually, i know what i need to do.

the only thing that ever heals emotions and quiets a restless dislike is prayer.

the Bible says to pray for your enemies and those who persecute you.

i'm sure those who annoy you fall into the same category.

i'll try to be a better person and pray for this situation before it escalates from what it is to some kind of raging hatred.

feuds and taking sides are so immature and have no place in my life, personal or professional.

i'll work on it.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

not a child

i am truly not a child. as much as people assume i'm 18 or 19, i really am not. in fact, on my birthday on saturday i will be 24. now i realize that a lot of people would scoff at that and tell me i'm still a baby and on and on and on. and that's fine. i like being young. i realize i'm not but i'm starting to feel old. sometimes i miss being a child. i miss not having to think about major life issues, no bills, no rent. not having to work. being able to just be and no one had a problem with it. i still like it when my dad gives me big, long hugs that make me feel like a kid that he can protect from anything. i like it when he helps me change my oil or figure out what's wrong with my car or when he swoops to my rescue when i'm desperate and everyone i thought i could count on bails on me. i like it when my gramma and grampa hug me tightly and my grampa calls me "sis." and even though he's getting older, he'll insist on lifting something heavy for me. i like it when my gramma fusses over me, making sure i'm not hungry, that i don't need anything. i even like it when the good ol' boy type guys i work(ed) with call me kiddo or my dear or darlin' or whatever.

h o w e v e r. i do NOT like to be treated like a child by someone who is my peer. someone who is in ABSOLUTELY no way, shape or form in charge of me. i do not like being talked down to in such a transparent way that it's hard for my reaction to be anything other than a blank stare. i mean, looking out for someone is one thing, but speaking to a person who is not your subordinate as if you were their first grade teacher is absolutely disrespectful and insulting. thinly veiled contempt and an obvious superiority complex are not something i can easily tolerate.

i don't know. maybe it's really poorly expressed insecurity. i doubt it.

if i were someone who enjoyed drama and being in the middle of it i would say this and more to someones' face.

unfortunately, i am not. i am someone who will blog about this anonymously in hopes that it will be a cathartic experience and i will feel better. better enough not to punch anyone.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

to a friend

i hope you know that, no matter what opinion you express to me, no matter how strongly we both stick to our guns in a disagreement, i'll never like you less. i think that people who have identical opinions and views on life aren't really meant to be friends. how old would it get if every discussion friends ever had was like,

"i think this."

"i completely agree."

"cool. me too."


something that's always bothered me ... i totally get not letting your past control or dictate who you are. i think it's way healthy for people to move past what has happened in their past and not use it as a crutch for life. however, and i may be WAY off base here, sometimes i think that maybe you DO care about what happened. i think maybe you tell yourself you don't or maybe really think you don't because i'm sure caring about it would really really hurt. but i think that caring about it, getting really pissed off about it, would maybe help you realize that you don't "think you're a better person than you really are deep down." you ARE as great of a person as you can imagine. i think that's awful to sell yourself short like that! i think that you need to be really really pissed off about what those people did to you because you do NOT deserve for ANYONE to treat you like that. i think that those people robbed a big chunk of your self worth and self confidence and that is WRONG! i don't know, like i said, i may be way off base. but i really do think that those things are related.

anyway, again, just know that no matter how hard we both argue for our side of an opinion or how silly or ridiculous you think my views on something are or vice versa, even in those moments, i still love you. if i didn't have anyone in my life who expressed an opposite opinion of mine, when would i ever be challenged to really look at what i think and why i think it? and it goes the same the other direction. i hope you don't ever think that you can't tell me that you think that God isn't real or that it's stupid for me not to click "start communication" or that our dump should keep expanding. i'll tell you that you're wrong, you'll tell me that i'm dumb and you're right, we'll both be quiet for a while and then adam levine will come on the radio and we'll talk about how much we love him. in those moments, i'll never think, ugh, "why are we friends? i can't stand this girl." (haha, even if i say, "i can't believe we're friends" ... sorry. that one just comes out. i swear i don't mean it.)

i don't know if any of this made you feel any better or made you mad or made any sense. but i just hope you know, you're my friend, no matter how many midnight showings of twilight you make me go to. just like, hopefully, i'm your friend, no matter how many times i put everything off until the last minute and then need you to kick me in my ass to get me going.

love you 4real.


Thursday, November 13, 2008

people i want to punch in the face

do you have anyone in your life that you just want to be unnecessarily violent to? somebody who's name popping up on your caller ID prompts you to have visions of just punching them square in the nose*? even if they're not doing anything particularly nerve-grating ... just the sight of their name makes your fists clench and your eyes roll?

no? just me? okay.

there are whole groups of people though that i fully want to junk punch. or crack them in the skull hard enough to maybe fracture through the density in hopes that a little bit of common sense might accidentally slip in. such as:
  • deadbeat dads --> the people that fall into this category include, but are not limited to, men who divorce their pregnant wives; sperm donors who have to be wrung out like a moist cloth to get a drop of financial support but become possessive and controlling of "their little girl" when the mom trys to move on with her life; anyone who's first reaction to hearing a former partner is pregnant is "it's not my kid"; and the like.
  • closed-minded, know-it-all bigots, on either side of the political spectrum (i just don't understand how anyone can think that their opinion is the way, the truth and the only option, no matter what opinion they have.)

i dunno, i guess that's it for now.**

* please be aware, in my vision of punching someone square in the nose ... it's a lot more like a cartoon punch in the nose ... not at all graphic or gross. because i would feel WAY too badly to really hurt someone like that for no good reason. the deadbeat dads on the other hand ...

** my apologies for this angry sounding post. i'm not even in a bad mood, i swear!

Thursday, November 6, 2008



i am obviously NOT a computer genius seeing as how my blog roll is not doing what i thought it would.

i'm so confused.


i think if our IT guy could make little pocket sized, take home versions of himself, he'd make a KILLING!

Wednesday, November 5, 2008


i'm a super genius because i totally figured out how to use blog roll.

that is all.

no love lost?

there once was a boy.

a boy i cared a great deal about.

however, being the stupid girl that i was and am, i decided, without consulting him, that there was no way he would care about me a great deal in return.

with age comes, hopefully, wisdom.

looking through the corrective lenses of hindsight, i realize that in fact, he did.

as a matter of fact, i think he continued to for some time.

i have no idea why.

i'm sure i didn't deserve it.

but the part that shatters me the most: recognizing this means i must come face to face with lost opportunity.

the possibility that opportunity has been lost permenantly.

i held a torch for the opportunity's return for a long while.

but sadly, that torch is nearly extinguished.

i fear that i must now embrace my position and accept it for what it is.

i must let go of what could have been.

beacause what could have been, is not what is.

Saturday, November 1, 2008


i like halloween. i think it's a fun day for people to get creative, express themselves, and just generally act a little juvenile.

personally, i seem to have a problem figuring out something to be for halloween. i can almost always help other people come up with fun costume ideas. i told my friend she should go as sarah palin and i made her a sash that said caribou barbie and helped her pick out clothes, did her hair and tried to teach her the tina fey take on the governer's accent. i dressed one sister as "white trash" and another as a sleep deprived beauty queen. i gave a friend at work an EXCELLENT costume idea for next year (it's a secret). for myself though, i tend to just have fun with eyelashes. i have probably six different sets of false eyelashes that i have worn in different years. maybe this year i'll bust some out for new year's eve or mardi gras.

so yes, this year i was all feather eyelashes and glitter. i threw on some wings to justify the lashes and i actually won a prize for it all.

there were much better costumes than mine halloween night ... there was a guy dressed as michael phelps ... he was wearing a speedo and had a lot of medals around his neck. it was awesome. there was a terrorist ... really funny actually.

i guess this post has no direction, no point. other than eyelashes rock and i wish i could wear them every day of the year.

Monday, October 27, 2008

why blog?

i started this as a comment response to a post, but it was getting lengthy so i thought i'd move it here.

i originally started a blog as a way of venting. i intended it to be completely anonymous. i had fun little fantasies of someone randomly stumbling upon it, thinking it was fabulous, telling all their friends and then i would grow this huge following of blog readers. people checking in every day to see what new and wonderful, witty story i had to tell; people wanting to know how this or that went for me, caring about the events in my life, without even knowing me.

i have a few posts that spell out some crazy work situations, some personal stuff, etc. they are written in that fun, anonymous blog style with the people named things based on their personalities. a woman who acted like she was the boss of everything i said, did, breathed - she was called Not My Mom, or NMM for short. i imagined writing on for weeks and months and years and just talking about "today NMM and i went to a basketball game. it was nice. i'm sure it means tomorrow she'll be back to her normal level of crazy." and readers would just know who i was referencing. new readers would hungrily scroll down to find when she was first introduced so they'd be in the loop as to what i was talking about.

maybe all of this fantasy came because i have a blog or two that i follow like that. i also had recently delved into the world of youtube celebrities. i subscribed to a few of the seemingly omnipresent, loved across the board youtube personalities and checked their new video blogs pretty regularly.

then life got in the way of writing blogs. and i put too much pressure on myself to write cute anecdotes and be generally charming. (occasionally, those things come naturally to me. usually, i have to try for them and then it never works.)

so i started a new blog. i made the other one completely private to the rest of the world. (as far as i know. jeez, i hope so.) and started this little number. so far it's been written in inconsistent spurts with no real theme or reason. i'm pretty sure my intention was to simply have a place to talk myself through whatever was going on in my life. because there in the beginning, a lot was.

now that life has somewhat (read: not really at all) levelled off ... blogging falls lower on my to do list.

which makes me sad. because i truly like blogging.

Friday, October 24, 2008

racist pigs

i am sooo busy today. i literally have NO time to spare. but i have to get this off of my chest.

last night i was at a retail store, picking up a few things. it was late, probably only a half an hour before they closed so there were only a few people in the store. there was one cashier working and she was ringing up one lady's items, there was one gentleman behind her and then me in line. an older (mid to late 50's?) couple walked up behind me and the cashier paged another girl to come help ring people up. the woman behind me said, "we should go over there" as the new cashier walked up and told the gentleman in front of me she'd help him at her register. the man behind me said, "i think we should stay here. we'll get through a lot faster." she told him, "look, there's only one person in line" and he said, "no let's just stay here."

mind you, there was still a woman being rung up, myself in line and then these people. and the other girl had only the one gentleman with a few items in his hand. this gentleman happened to be hispanic. the thought flitted across my mind that maybe that was the reason the man wanted to stay put, but it quickly flitted right off into never never land because it seemed too silly to me to even address.

as the cashier in my line was still finishing up with the initial woman, the other cashier was handing the gentleman his bags and the woman behind me said, "see dear? if we were over there it would be our turn already" to which the man replied, (quite loudly i might add) "if it's all right with you, i'd prefer to stay right here and stand behind HER!"

i believe my jaw literally dropped. i decided that i was going to walk over to the other cashier just to ... i don't know, prove a point? that standing in a longer, slow moving line because the girl in front of you is white is R I D I C U L O U S!?!?! ahhrg! i don't understand!

i don't know, maybe something is wrong with me. for some reason, i thought that racism was something that most people had gotten over. or at the very least, learned to hide. i just don't get it! i mean, if i'm around someone who's lifestyle is drastically different than mine, whatever shade their skin is, i might be a little uncomfortable at first. feel a little out of place, maybe feel a little like a dolt for not being completely culturally savvy ... but i can't wrap my head around what it would feel like to dislike someone i don't even know based on something that has no relevance as to what caliber of person they are!

UGH! disgust. complete and utter disgust is what i felt in that moment. if the woman in front of me hadn't finished, causing the cashier to turn and address me, i would have changed lines. maybe that was the wrong thing to do. would it have been better to be rude to the cashier who greeted me, walk to the other line and hope that the man behind me felt the heat of the passive aggressive death ray i was sending out to him? i don't know, maybe.

but as i was getting settled into my car, i watched him come across the parking lot and get into his beat up old buick with, for whatever reason, a plastic shopping bag tied around the base of the antennae, i decided, i might be racist against ignorant, self-important, white trash racist pigs.

(that's a little harsh, no? no.)

Friday, October 10, 2008


sometimes when things feel really stressful, it helps me just to see soothing, calm, relaxing images.

in case you're suffering from a stressful day, i thought i might share:

hope this helps!

have a peaceful weekend ...

Friday, September 26, 2008

life's too short

last sunday, a friend and i attended a party at our mutual friend’s house. it was a small get together, just her husband, a few of her friends from church, her mom and sister, a long time family friend. some people had children and brought them and they played outside with our friends’ daughter. her husband used to be a chef so he had prepared some fancy little sandwiches for our party. he tried to make sure everyone ate plenty, warning them that if they didn’t they’d have to take some home with them for later. he pulled the nozzle hose from the sink and showed us how he’d positioned their daughters’ swing outside in perfect range for him to spray them through the kitchen window screen. he kissed his wife and said how lucky he was to have her, told her mom they needed a picture of her and her husband to add to their mantle. he waved goodbye to us as we left and thanked us for coming.

last night the friend i went to the party with tried to visit our friend at her place of work, but she wasn’t there. my friend was informed that they weren’t sure when she’d be back because her husband had died. i saw him sunday. on wednesday he was gone.

as shattering as that felt, we then found out that he committed suicide. the original story was that she came home from work to find him. the true story that she told us: he told her he was tired of being in pain (he had a back problem that made his feet hurt and go numb i guess) but then he took his nightly medication and headed to the bedroom. she heard what she thought was maybe the television remote control smashing against the bedroom wall and went in to find that it had actually been a gunshot. their nine year old daughter, i’m assuming, was in the other room.
i was told by a friend that when someone dies, maybe someone you don’t know terribly well, an acquaintance possibly, it’s hard to accept. say they die in a tragic car accident, it hurts and it’s difficult to get past. but for some reason, if they commit suicide, it just feels so much heavier. it’s so much harder to wrap your head around. i think she’s right. i started off being terribly sad about it all. what a waste. how tragic. but now i’ve really more moved on to anger. i can’t seem to grasp how anyone could be so selfish and cowardly. maybe that’s a little harsh. but really, if you’re going to do something like that, couldn’t you have the decency and consideration for your wife to not do it while she’s within feet of you? couldn’t you have the foresight to do whatever you could to preserve your little daughters innocence and mental well-being? couldn’t you think about the fact that your wife, and most likely your daughter as well, will blame themselves and ask why didn’t they do something differently? if only this, this and this … maybe they could have prevented this all?

i know there’s a reason for everything. even things that i think are horrible, i know God has a purpose for all that He does. but i can’t help but think how unfair it is that now my friend has to raise her daughter alone. or that her daughter has to grow up without her dad. without her dad to teach her how to drive a stick shift or walk her down the aisle when she gets married. i know that there’s a reason. but that doesn’t make it any easier.

Monday, September 15, 2008


I'm so honored to be tagged for this! :] Now let's see if I can think of some non-lame random facts about me ...

  1. I sing slash talk to myself all the time. Seriously, people probably think I'm crazy. I love to sing, especially jazz music. The moment I'm alone in my office, I hit play on my music and sing all by myself. Then I look like a freak because it startles me when someone comes in, since I'm lost in my own little world of singing. I probably jump 3 feet every time.
  2. I always push a cart when I got to the store. Even if I absolutely know I'm not buying anything, I get a cart and push it around the store. (Lol, I think that makes me sound even more crazy.)
  3. My heart physically hurts when I think about people that I miss or things that I don't like. (i.e. my dear friends moving away, my daddy going back overseas, my sister and brother-in-law living so far away with my soon-to-be nephew, etc.)
  4. Maybe everyone has this, but I have an acute smell-memory. Certain smells take me back to very specific memories. There's a certain handsoap that must have been used at the camp where I was a counselor because when I use it, I'm right back in that camp. Lucky Brand perfume - I love love love the smell of it, but a girl I was once very close friends with wore it so when I smell it, it makes me think of how unpleasantly things ended between us. My Elizabeth Arden perfume smells like summertime, and evenings in May or June make me think of pre-summer school-time apathy.
  5. I have ophidiophobia. Fear of snakes. Not like, funny ha ha either. No, fake ones, pictures of them, ingenius pranks, these are not even remotely amusing. In fact, they're a good way for me not to trust you anymore.
  6. I over think everything. Absolutely everything. I believe the only reason my life ever moves forward is because eventually I wear myself out, thinking about and weighing options and I am forced to let go. And then God handles it.

This is where it gets sad because, I don't have 6 blog friends. And one of the only ones I do have has obviously already done it.

Oh! I know what I'll do, I'll put this on my myspace. I have plenty of myspace friends. Some who might even do it. :]

My MySpace

*Note: Due to restrictions, I won't actually be able to post this to MySpace until probably Wednesday. Ana, I'm totally tagging you. :] I miss your face.

The Rules:

1. Link to the person who tagged you.

2. Post the rules on the blog.

3. Write six random things about yourself.

4. Tag six people at the end of your post.

5. Let each person know they have been tagged.

6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

ultimate guide to making friends

the more you can give someone, the more they will like you. bend over backwards if necessary. (pay no attention if they take advantage of your kindness, it will pay off)

tell them secrets. tell them secrets about other people, break confidentiality, put yourself at risk. you definitely want the kind of friends who are nicer to you when they know they can gain valuable information from you.

if at first they seem to stay a little distant, persist, persist, persist. eventually you will break down their defenses. see #1 and #2 for a surefire way to achieve that goal.

#4 - DISH
share gossip with them. take their side against every person they despise and help them trash talk those people at every available opportunity. bonus points if you can make #2 apply here.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

i made my cell phone depressed

my cell phone is inherently optimistic. i text using the predictive text function and when i enter "1, 1" for an emoticon face, it is always a smiley face first. i have to push "next" once to get it to be a frowny face or more times for something else, like a winking face or a kissy face, etc.

apparently, i changed it to the frowny face so many times that now, it gives me the frowny face first. my phone was happy by default and i took that away.

so what was i always needing a frowny face for? what's so bad about my life that my text messages always needed frowny faces? i can't figure that out. i think i've been in a funk lately where nothing has seemed good. i don't know if the solution to that is moving far away, moving somewhere new in town, going to school, becoming a nanny, getting my hair cut ... i just don't know yet.

this is what i do know.
  • something has to change. something has to be different. my life is not meant to be this stagnant thing, sitting still, gathering dust. and that's what i've let it become.

  • i know that God has a better plan than that for me and i am trying to be quiet and listen for His solution. i know He is trying to tell me something, i just need to shut up long enough to hear it.

that is not a very long list of "what i know" ... that should tell me something right there ...

Wednesday, June 25, 2008


thank you God for being persistent with bull-headed me. i don't know why you have the patience for me, i barely do.

i've been completely stressing about this whole thing. i hate the thought of leaving security and sure-ness. i've been talking out the details with myself, my friends, my family, my hairdresser ... practically anyone who will listen. i've made myself sick thinking about it. i've prayed for guidance. "God, just make it clear what you want me to do so i don't have to worry anymore. please help me."

today, my daily e-mail devotional was about walking by faith.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

Hebrews 11:1

it talked about stepping out of what is comfortable and into an adventure of obedience and discovery of God's trustworthiness. and walking by faith and not by sight. i think in reading that devotional, it was the first time i saw that phrase visually. i have sung those words in countless songs, "i will walk by faith and not by sight," and yet it was only today and i truly grasped it. i imagined being blindfolded and led around unfamiliar terrain. i don't know if i would trust my own sister to do that. i would be peeking out of the blindfold. it finally hit me that God has a plan for my life and, no matter how many times i've said those words, "God has a plan for my life," i've never really put myself out there, made myself vulnerable to that plan. i've just puttered along in my own version of what i figured was what God wanted.

then, i got an e-mail from my friend Jessica, who is also my boss at the church. she forwarded her daily devotional and talked about how moved and humbled she was by it. the devotion was about words carved into a wall in a concentration camp.

I believe in the sun, even when it doesn't shine.
I believe in love, even when it isn't shown.
I believe in God, even when He doesn't speak.

it went on about how the man who could carve out those words in the situation he was in was obviously a man of strong faith. and she followed with her own account of how God stretches her byond her comfort zone and how much better she feels when she stops worrying about things and lays them at God's feet. how we are called to walk by faith and not by sight and to trust an unseen God.

okay God, i hear you. i can't guarantee that i won't be stupid and get all wrapped up in my head again, but i thank you that you won't give up on me even if i do. please help me to have faith in you and your divine plan for my life. your will be done always, amen.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

pros and cons

i'm trying to make some big decisions right now. my friend wants me to move somewhere with her. she's pretty much up for moving anywhere, but we're talking about california. this is consuming my thoughts, my dreams, my every waking moment. i hate having to make big decisions ... okay, correction: i hate making any decision. "where do you want to eat?" "oh, i don't care. where ever you want is fine." in high school, i established a rule that whoever wasn't driving had to decide where we were going, since driving required enough concentration without adding that extra effort into it. *note: i was the first of all of my friends to have my license and a car so i was always driving. this rule worked REALLY well for me. i don't even like having to decide which movie we should rent or where we should get take-out from, so needless to say, trying to decide if i should up and move out of my apartment, sell a bunch of my stuff, quit my really great job and move somewhere i've never really been before in the hopes of finding a job and an apartment and possibly going to school ... this is petrifying.

i've begun a pros and cons list. so far, it is as follows:

some things cancel each other out and are crossed out to illustrate.

- expensive
- far from home
- scary
- can't take car
- miss various family events; birthdays, camping trips, etc.
- have to leave my job
- leave my apartment
- leave bff's
- give up thursday nights
- give up PartyLite
- give up working at church
- miss kids at church
- miss Jessica and her kids
- have to find a new job
- meet new people
- miss church services

- something i've never done before
- meet new people
- may never have the chance to do something like this again
- there will be other camping trips and birthdays
- live somewhere new
- put myself in a position where school is an option
- i don't really love my apartment anyway
- can stay connected to bff's and Jessica and kids through myspace(although it's not the same)
- can stay connected to family, friends through phone, blog, etc.
- what is are you really gaining from thursday nights anyway?
- PartyLite will still be around whenever you come back, and it's also available down there
- can probably come back to job at church if necessary, been doing it for 6 years, time for change
- no car insurance
- if in school, no student loan payments

this is what i have so far. i'm sure i'll update with more later.

crap. i just counted and i have 8 pros and 8 cons.

:[ i hate making decisions.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

proceed with caution

i've always heard, "be careful what you wish for. you just might get it."

in high school, my youth pastor cautioned us, "be careful what you pray for. if you pray for patience, you better be prepared to have your patience tested and pushed to the limit because, how else are you going to learn to be patient?"

i guess if you are going to embark on a quest to be better at life, you should be prepared for the fact that it's not going to be easy.

last night my mom and i had what started out as a "typical" fight. we've always butted heads, never quite found the right balance to get along famously. whereas, she and my next younger sister get along awesomely well. they identify with each other, they think similarly. they call each other just to chat on the phone. my mom and i have never had that kind of a relationship. usually i'll say something, she gets mad thinking i said it in some sort of mean or malicious way and snaps at me, i snap back because i don't feel like i deserve her snapping at me, she gets mad because i'm snapping at her ... and it just goes on and on and on.

last night started in much the same way, but ended quite differently than normal. i think there was actual progress made and that she might actually understand a little more of the way i feel.

and i will readily admit, she's usually right. i haven't shown my parents the respect that i should have. i'm not going to blame anyone else for that. i don't know where it comes from. i love them, i respect their opinion. i have literally told sales people and renters, etc. that i wouldn't be making any decisions until i had a chance to run it by my mom. i can be completely resolved to do something and if my mom disagrees, i won't do it. i constantly seek her approval on everything from the clothes i wear and my hair cut and color to decisions about jobs and moving and roommates. that said, there are definitely times when i know in my heart what i have to do and it disagrees with her opinion. but those times are hard.

respecting someone's opinion and seeking their approval is not the same thing as showing them respect. i don't know if i just missed that lesson in sunday school or if i just have some sort of fatal malfunction that makes me a disrespectful, horrible child.

so last night was painful. my eyes were swollen and puffy, crying gives me a migraine. i told her that i often feel like a failure at life. she assured me that was crazy because i'm so young, life has barely begun. and it ended with my mom hugging me and telling me she loves me in such a meaningful way as i can't remember the last time it happened.

i'm glad for last night. i'm glad for progress. i just wish it didn't hurt so much.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008


i hate getting sucked into drama and gossip. and yet, there is some perverse part of me that, in the moment, enjoys it.

rest assured, i beat myself up over it afterward.

'why are you so dumb?! every time! every time, you say you won't do it again. look at how awful you feel right now! will you please remember this next time?'

i like to think that, for the most part, i'm pretty good at not passing along gossip and not necessarily believing everything i hear about people or situations. it literally makes me feel ill when people are hissing out negative comments about other people. or when someone decides not to like one particular person and then seemingly makes it their mission to make everyone else see that person the way they do. i absolutely hate it!

so imagine how much disdain i hold for myself when i allow my sinful nature to have control and participate.

i think the worst part is how much i love it. there is some sort of perverse enjoyment in being involved. some sort of sick gratification that comes from being included, not being the one they're talking about. it's a brief thrill, as i imagine most unhealthy habits are. a quick high followed by crushing, shameful remorse.

in my effort to better myself, this is definately a priority. i know that my resolve will be tested and i pray that God gives me the strength to stand up for what i know is right, rather than simply agreeing with what is easy.


why do people pretend?
why do people pretend not to like drama?
they say they hate drama.
they say they don't like overly dramatic people.
in the face of confrontation, adversity, misunderstanding, they throw their hands up declaring that 'this is all just too much drama!'
drama is negative, draining, immature.
it's good not to like drama.
it's acceptable.

and yet, these are the same people who whisper about others, roll their eyes behind someone's back before smiling to their face.
these are the same people who make snap judgements about others, talk down to them, feel superior to practically everyone they know.
they cause drama.
they fuel it once it's going.
they thrive on it, enjoy it, always want to know about it.
unless it directly involves them.
then it's quickly back to, 'drama is evil' and 'i hate drama'.

why can't people just be honest?
if you enjoy drama, fine.
you get a little kick out of it when other people get their feathers a little ruffled with each other?
dont deny it because it's not socially acceptable.
just admit it and stop being such a hypocrite.
don't be afraid to identify yourself.
are you scared you won't have any friends if they all see you bared for what you really are?
yeah, i would be too.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

the quest

sure i'd like to be better at life. but what does that mean exactly?

i think it means a variety of things, most of which i still have to figure out. how can you get better at something if you're not even sure what you're doing in the first place?

that's what i'm trying to figure out. i don't intend to be exceedingly philosophical or intense, unless it's wholly called for.

this will just be a place for me to put some thoughts out there, hopefully get a little feedback and more likely than not, just ramble on about nothingness.

i hope to increase my capacity to learn from the events, people, mistakes and general goings on in my life. i think it's far too easy to just live your way through life, breathing, heart pumping blood, sustaining life until it ends.

i'd prefer to live for real. to experience life and be affected and molded and changed by it. i don't want to look back at my life someday and say, "you know, i really wish i would/n't have done/said/taken a chance on that."

so, here's to reform, increased awareness and blogging.

here here!