Monday, December 29, 2008

real life

well, i escaped from seattle finally and then lived through a half cancelled, drawn out Christmas. i'm back at work and real life.

i am totally struggling with some very serious feelings of apathy. i don't want to feel that way. but it kind of consumes me. i keep having these weird dreams. i don't really put a lot of stock in dreams holding deeper meaning or foretelling the future. i think that God can totally use them that way if He chooses, but i think that they're mostly what psychology tells us they are: your brain sorting through the problems you either couldn't or chose not to acknowledge in the light of day. that, and just random silliness based on what you've read, watched or hoped for. anyway, these dreams are just strange though. they're the kind that seem very real. the kind that, when you wake up, you're confused about reality because you really believe whatever scenario the dream put forth. they're not always about the same things, but lately they've all been very similar. when i wake up, after i realize it was just a dream, i still seem to hold this feeling of, "well, it's only a dream right now, but eventually it will be reality." i don't know if that just stems from the confusion after such a realistic dream or if i'm trying to tell myself something. like, maybe what the dreams are depicting is something i really want and maybe should think about working toward.

how silly is this? is the truth that i've just become so dissatisfied with my own life that i've deluded myself into thinking this dream life is one that will exist for me someday? i suppose that's possible.

i don't feel quite so physically achy lately. i think i know what has been missing ... or rather, what i've been neglecting in my life. it seems so stupid of me, to agonize over all of these trivial little things, chasing bits of dust in the sunlight when really, i believe everything would fall into place very nicely if i was just doing what i'm supposed to be.

i had a very nice, long conversation with an old friend the other night. i hadn't seen him in probably two years or so. things didn't end on the most perfect terms with us and i was a little nervous about our dinner. especially when the two people who were supposed to be joining us, our safety net if you will, bailed at the last minute and we decided to go anyway. but it was the farthest thing from awkward! it was very comfortable and very easy. and it became really clear to me that all the doubt and regret i've been holding on to about him and our whole situation was really unfounded. i made the right decision in the first place and i'm really glad to have that validated. it's nice too to have moved past feeling regret, remorse, doubt about it all. it's nice to just embrace our friendship for what it is. i hope he walked away feeling similarly.

alrighty. well, that's about it i suppose. just another messed up day in my head! :]

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