Wednesday, October 13, 2010

It Bugs

I'm pretty sure I totally know what's bugging me now.

The bad thing is, it's me. So I can't exactly get away from it.

The good thing is, it's me. So I can totally work on fixing it.

I'm annoyed at my own stupid self and my own stupid attitudes and my own stupid tendencies.

Like I said, the nice thing about that, is that I can change me. It's about the only thing I can change ... so I best get to it.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

The Funk That I Am In

I'm feeling this weird hostility toward going to work tomorrow. I can't figure out why exactly. I mean, I have some ideas, but even those don't really make a lot of sense.

If you break it down piece by piece, I love going to work. I love most of the people there, I love the work itself most of the time, I like the setting we're in, I like getting off work at a decent time. I even like the commute okay. But I'm just feeling this overall resentment toward it. It's not the specific person I have distaste for. I'm used to that and, although she's extra kinds of crazy lately, I don't let that keep me up at night.

It could be carryover feelings from my other job. I KNOW I'm feeling resentment toward that. I feel like I maybe want to quit, but maybe I'll take a leave of absence first. Some time away from it might help. I don't know if those feelings are just tainting the way I feel in general, or if there's really something specific out there that's bugging me.

Such a useless post. Not solving or furthering anything. I may delete it.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Spanky New!

This is the first official update from my spanky new laptop! Woohoo!

I'm sitting in my peaceful preschool class, eight little angels sleeping on mats scattered around on the floor. Quiet piano music coming from the CD player, the sounds of the class next door fading as they head out to play in the gym; leaving behind only the sound of soft little snores and pages of textbooks turning as the teachers study.

This is a great time of day. Especially on this particular day. After a long morning of eight two-year-olds acting up, fighting, talking back and even swearing at you, it's nice to watch them slumber so peacefully and remember that they're just poor little babies, formed into their sometimes monstrous personalities partly by the circumstances and raising.

I truly truly love my job. As with any job, there are small things to complain about. Crazy coworkers, confusing personalities, the occasional 12 hour day and filthy children pawing at you. But those are really so minute compared with how much about it is amazing. Watching children grow and learn, seeing their faces light up when they finally accomplish something they've been trying over and over to do. Hearing from parents how much they've seen their child grow and change since they started coming to school, the sense of pride when you help a child do something in just the right way so that they actually understand and feel their own sense of pride about it too.

I'm so blessed to do this for a living. At this exact moment a year ago, I would never in a million years have guessed that this would be where I am now. I'm so thankful to my dear sweet friend for making it happen. I mean, she didn't do it on her own, I had to try to live up to her hype, but without her, it never would have happened. Thank you my sweet friend. I hope your week has been good. :)

Tuesday, October 5, 2010


I should never have stopped writing. Churning out a paper or a blog entry used to be a breeze for me. Now it's such a struggle. My writing has become redundant and stagnant. There is no easy flow to the subject matter or continuity of theme. It's just a jumble of my stream of consciousness. Like my thoughts. I've been stuck in my own head for too long. I've been ruminating on my own selfish and obnoxious thoughts and the dead ends those all lead to.

Writing is an outlet. It's an exercise, stretching and strengthening the muscles of my brain that are supposedly good at this kind of thing. Even now, this stupid, meaningless blog entry is stilted and lacking. It's not coming naturally like it used to.

Like anything else, I guess it just requires exercise. So here is my first rep.