Peace

Occasionally I like to scroll back through my blog posts and remind myself of where I was.

This is useful to me in that, sometimes, I find myself reading something that describes the way I'm feeling at that moment with incredible accuracy. Ideally, that shouldn't be the case. I shouldn't blog about how I'm feeling, how I plan to change it and then in months ahead, find that I've circled back to where I started.

Other times, I read something and I think, 'Wow, how freaking happy am I that that's not me anymore?'

Today I realized that it's been well over three months since I started toying with the idea of pursuing a different career. I mean, I guess I've always kind of got that in mind, but the beginning of November is when I actually started the process of mentally letting go of this place and sincerely hoping that it might be time to move on soon.

When I read that entry in November about how fearful I am of change and how much guilt I attach to things that definitely don't need it, I felt so blessed to realize how far I've come. I really think that I've actually always craved change. It's just easier to be afraid of it and hold it at arm's length. Today is a big day in the realm of change and I am so incredibly excited about the possibilities! Even if it doesn't pan out for whatever reason, I am so ready for the next step. And, although I feel the occasional pang of guilt here and there, I think I've done a good job in stepping out of that unhealthy pool. I will not feel guilty for trying to make my life better, as long as I'm not stomping on people's heads to do it.

I'm letting God have full control this afternoon. I try to do that all times of all days, but I'm especially focused on it today. I know if this is where God means for me to go, the path will be laid out. I'm so freaking excited to see if that's the case.

Here goes nothing!

Waiting On The Phone To Ring

Today has not been awesome. It's been an awesome motivator to get the heck out of dodge, but that's about it in the awesome realm.

It's really draining and exhausting to have to defend myself to my boss all the time. And it's really stressful to be accused of and blamed for mistakes that really have nothing to do with me. I don't have any problem owning up to it when I drop the ball. I mean, obviously it's not fun to admit you were wrong, but I can handle it. What I don't like is having to prove that I wasn't wrong all the time. I don't work in an environment where I should have to justify and prove my work all the time. I'm reporting data that others collect. If the data is incorrect, I don't think that's my fault. I'll happily fix it if you'd like, but shouting at me and berating me about "why can't I ever get it right" ... is entirely inappropriate behavior.

Why is it only Tuesday?

gurgle

i'm so annoyed that i'm sick right now. it's my own stupid fault, that's the worst part. i was thinking it's gotten to the point where i should make a doctor's appointment, but today i saw the nurse at work. although she said my throat ... well, i'll spare you the details and just say it looked disgusting. but no white spots to indicate strep. she recommended frequent salt water gargling and i may be able to kick it. so here i sit, watching my favorite Monday night shows ... How I Met Your Mother, Accidentally On Purpose (while flipping to House during commercials), Two & a Half Men and Big Bang Theory ... while intermittently going to the kitchen to heat my salt water back up and gargle.

maybe it's psychological, but my throat already feels a wee bit better.

and Two & a Half men is turning out to be very melancholy. here's looking to Sheldon on Big Bang Theory to perk things back up.

although this is probably a lame Monday night, i find it peaceful and relaxing. and quiet. sooo nice and quiet.

finally: today a psychic told me that something will happen by or in September. i guess we've got t-minus seven months to see if she's a quack. (which, i'll be honest, i presume she will be.)

that is all. please enjoy your Monday night.

mountain

do you ever get a pimple on your face that's so huge it's like a new friend? a painful, seen all day in your peripheral vision, eyesore of a friend?

no?

well, my new friend jimmy and i pity you and your lack of relationships in life.