Monday, December 29, 2008

real life

well, i escaped from seattle finally and then lived through a half cancelled, drawn out Christmas. i'm back at work and real life.

i am totally struggling with some very serious feelings of apathy. i don't want to feel that way. but it kind of consumes me. i keep having these weird dreams. i don't really put a lot of stock in dreams holding deeper meaning or foretelling the future. i think that God can totally use them that way if He chooses, but i think that they're mostly what psychology tells us they are: your brain sorting through the problems you either couldn't or chose not to acknowledge in the light of day. that, and just random silliness based on what you've read, watched or hoped for. anyway, these dreams are just strange though. they're the kind that seem very real. the kind that, when you wake up, you're confused about reality because you really believe whatever scenario the dream put forth. they're not always about the same things, but lately they've all been very similar. when i wake up, after i realize it was just a dream, i still seem to hold this feeling of, "well, it's only a dream right now, but eventually it will be reality." i don't know if that just stems from the confusion after such a realistic dream or if i'm trying to tell myself something. like, maybe what the dreams are depicting is something i really want and maybe should think about working toward.

how silly is this? is the truth that i've just become so dissatisfied with my own life that i've deluded myself into thinking this dream life is one that will exist for me someday? i suppose that's possible.

i don't feel quite so physically achy lately. i think i know what has been missing ... or rather, what i've been neglecting in my life. it seems so stupid of me, to agonize over all of these trivial little things, chasing bits of dust in the sunlight when really, i believe everything would fall into place very nicely if i was just doing what i'm supposed to be.

i had a very nice, long conversation with an old friend the other night. i hadn't seen him in probably two years or so. things didn't end on the most perfect terms with us and i was a little nervous about our dinner. especially when the two people who were supposed to be joining us, our safety net if you will, bailed at the last minute and we decided to go anyway. but it was the farthest thing from awkward! it was very comfortable and very easy. and it became really clear to me that all the doubt and regret i've been holding on to about him and our whole situation was really unfounded. i made the right decision in the first place and i'm really glad to have that validated. it's nice too to have moved past feeling regret, remorse, doubt about it all. it's nice to just embrace our friendship for what it is. i hope he walked away feeling similarly.

alrighty. well, that's about it i suppose. just another messed up day in my head! :]

Monday, December 22, 2008

snow patrol

i've stayed up all this night, trying to keep the weather from turning bad by sheer force of will.

well, that and prayer. i don't actually delude myself into thinking that my will has any kind of effect on what will be.

as of this moment, there are no snowflakes falling on this part of seattle. the last time i checked in with amtrak, my train was still scheduled to leave tomorr ... well, this morning. in just about 4 hours, i will be on a train headed home, if all goes according to plan. i mean, i guess it's not really according to plan or i might actually be sitting at shari's right now, having ridden the train home this afternoon. but the new plan. the new plan has me on a train at 7:30am. please God ... please.

i have so much to do! i need to get the dog that i'm supposed to be actively dog sitting back from his temporary home, i need to address the issue of unwrapped christmas gifts ... and un-purchased ones as well ... oy. i need to start breathing down the neck of my former property manager, as i am beginning to doubt this whole weeks-dragging-on-weeks-wait-is-standard-procedure-for-getting-your-security-deposit-back thing. i need pictures in the record breaking snow, i need to get to work so that i'm not a desolate, poor, homeless person for the new year. there are conversations to be had, rock band games to be played, snow angels and snowmen to make, snowballs to lob, coffee dates to lose myself in, books to re-read! i cannot sit here, stagnant and stranded! seattle, let me free!

okay, i should probably nap for at least a couple of hours. that way, if i AM riding the train 4 hours from now, people won't be pitying the poor crazy lady talking to herself in the last car.

although ... maybe i would get to sit alone in that situation ...

something to ponder ...


so, i'm currently stranded in seattle. it's so snowy and beautiful. but not where i want to be stuck! i've had a great time just chilling with my wonderful, dear old friend alex. but it's getting close to christmas now and i just want to go home. i have friends that have come and are coming in from out of town for the holidays and i just want to hang out with them. :( i feel so stuck!

it's been nice chatting with my lovely friend. i've had a lot on my mind lately and it was nice to bounce thoughts off of a new perspective, get some fresh insight. it doesn't really change the fact that i still don't know what to do, what action to take, if any. it doesn't give me the answers i've been trying to find or solve any mysteries for me. but it feels better to have spoken some things out loud, come to grips with some things i'd never really vocalized.

i was challenged to make some real changes. some real, solid, forward motion. i really am tired of living in fear of change, fear of advance. i don't really know what the new will be. i just know that i need to be open to it. willing to accept it and embrace it and even chase after it if it's not simply falling into my lap. okay, just typing that last part made my stomach churn.

ugh. i don't know what to do. i don't know what's coming. i don't know how to prepare. i hate the unknown! i probably shouldn't. sometimes the unknown holds the best stuff. christmas and birthday gifts, surprise parties, unexpected visitors. :] then again, sometimes it's downright terrifying. suspense laden, ominous meeting requests from your boss, staring into the future considering what could be, or what might not ever be. it literally makes me physically ill to think about this all so much. alex actually started to get concerned that i might have some kind of stomach bug or something because it just wouldn't stop hurting. but i know it's in my head. because if i can distract myself long enough, in a good book or getting wrapped up in a movie or something, it goes away. at least, until i start thinking about it again.

i've been reading a really great series of books and i'm about 20 pages from being done with the last one. i keep putting it off though because i feel like once i finish i won't have an escape anymore. i'll have to think about reality rather than letting myself be absorbed into fantasy. what have i become? since when does real life scare me? since when is real life too much for me to wrap my head around?

i have this kind of throbbing hole in the center of me. i don't know if it's something that i need to fill or something i've just been neglecting. i can think of a few things in the latter category.

hm. perhaps this isn't the hour to be getting so deeply entangled in my thoughts. maybe a little sleep is all i need.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

i kinda hate people sometimes

you know, i just don't get people. i mean, if you want to be the cool guy, be all buddy buddy, no big deal ... fine. just do it. if you want to bring down the hammer and have things be just so, this is what needs to be done, period, end of discussion ... fine. just DO IT!

there is NO in between. there is a balance, sure. but you have to be smart enough to find it! there is the option of being a friend while also being a firm hand of guidance and instruction. it's not impossible. i've seen it done! you CANNOT be one extreme to someone's face and then proceed to storm around behind their back saying just the opposite. it's not professional! it's not good leadership! it's not even remotely polite!

if you want to be the man, then be the man. i'd have a lot more respect for you if you were. however, any kind of respect dissolves at lightening speed when you're a phony, slimy pushover. drop a pair for crying out loud! man up!

and another thing, i'm sick to death of listening to your thinly veiled expressions of distaste for your former ... whatever the hell she was. don't be such an a$$hole! you're not fooling ANYONE when you go off on some little tirade about how she is doing things all wrong and you think it's unprofessional and how you've talked to people about what a problem you think it is. i'm sorry, wasn't it only LAST MONTH that you told me to turn to her for EVERY question or problem that i had? praised her abilities and intelligence? basically told me to be just like her? WTF?! you are such a pig!!!

you know, i don't really know why i ever defended you to anyone. why am i always doing that? everyone will tell me something and i'll refuse to believe it. i try to make excuses for their behaviors and actions, find some reason behind it all. surely they're just misunderstood ... they can't really be as bad as people seem to think. i am almost ALWAYS proven wrong! why give people the benefit of the doubt? apparently i am a terrible judge of character.

ugh. you pretty much disgust me. i wish i had another option.

Friday, December 12, 2008

raindrops in my tea

i refuse to get sick.

attn: germs ... you will NOT win.

today, i've had water, a couple of mugs of black tea with honey and airborne. i'm out of zicam and cold eeze or those would be on the list as well.

i'm kind of bumming today. not really sure why. some stuff today has made me a little melonchaly and some stuff from last night is really weighing heavy on my heart.

oh jeez, i just realized i can sing as low as diana krall on under my skin. that is an EXCELLENT sign that my voice is altered. hopefully i can still hit the high e in our concert tomorrow.

maybe karaoke last night wasn't such a good idea ...

i really hope it snows this weekend. i mean, i know it's not the best thing in the world for the plants and if i had to miss work my paycheck would take a big hit. but snow ... snow might be worth it. i love snow so much.

woah, the sky is totally all blue right now. madness.

i'm officially going to pull myself out of this funk. i don't like feeling gloomy. mind over matter.

i suppose that is all.

hasta peoples.

Monday, December 8, 2008

in the holiday spirit

today at work i went out an picked out a christmas tree to bring in and decorate for our office. honestly, it's not that great of a tree because the really good one was nearly impossible to get to. but i'm excited to try to make it look nice and super festive. i dug out all my holiday decorations from last year that were in the back of a drawer. i need to go today and get some stockings and bring in puff paint so that our coaches can decorate one and we can hang them around. i also need to get some decorations for our tree. i'm thinking i'll go with a green and blue theme. just to make it look a little more polished.

my roommate and i are trying to get a piano. we found one for 60 dollars and should have the people and resources to move it but she went and looked at it and said it sounded like tin when she played it. we know it'll need to be tuned, i'm wondering if tuning would make it sound better or if that's just what the sound quality is.

i'm excited because next weekend i'm going to seattle to see some friends. i can't wait! it should be a lot of fun. i had to reschedule the whole thing so hopefully they're still able to make time for me that weekend. otherwise i'll be wandering around pikes place market all by my lonesome.

i hear rumors that it's supposed to snow at the end of this week or this weekend. i'm working really hard not to get my hopes up. but i sOoOoO luuuuuuuuvv snow it's a little difficult.

on my birthday i went to see twilight with my sisters and my roommate. for the second time ... i can't help it. i really like that movie. in fact, i really might go see it again. jeez, i'm such a 13 year old girl! oh well.

i went to an ugly christmas sweater party over the weekend. it was a lot of fun. a couple of us karaoke-d at the end of the night. i've never been karaoke-ing for real. it kind of sparked a little desire to do so. ... maybe when ana comes home.

i really want to have a big fun party for new year's eve. i've tossed around the idea of a masquerade. i don't know if i'd really have people who wanted to come or where for sure we'd have it. i mean, ana has plans. but scott and ben will be here. maybe we can have a party like the old days. hm. we'll see i suppose.

enough of the random.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

the proverbial olive branch

my friend and i are kind of having a thing right now.

lately she's been terribly flakey and has bailed on me in some really important times, times when i really needed her. i found this really frustrating and also confusing, as she isn't normally like this. i've brushed it off for the most part until last night. on my birthday, while i was sitting having some dinner and cake with my family she informed me that basically the plans i had for celebrating my birthday would not be happening as i had arranged. they would have to conform to fit her schedule, her life, her needs. i got really angry and stayed that way for a while. i had to call people who had set their work and family schedules around what i had planned and let them know i would no longer be able to follow through with those plans. i really didn't like having to do that. i held on to my anger until this morning.

i realized this morning that i hadn't asked my friend if she was available to come to, or was planning to come to, church. the only reason she has come to church at all is me, so if i'm fighting with her, why would she come? i felt very strongly convicted and got the sense that maybe this abnormal behavior she's been exhibiting is some kind of something that is happening in her, not on a conscious level, that is trying to push me away. if she can push me away, whatever kind of whatever it is that's pushing me away can continue living on in her life, unchallenged.

i won't back down so easily. i won't be pushed away by some secular disappointment.

so i've extended the proverbial olive branch ... birthday cake. i'm heading there with some now. how silly of me to even momentarily let something as petty as my plans get in the way of something so much bigger: God's.

Friday, December 5, 2008

stifling distaste

my post yesterday did prove to be cathartic. however, it has also made me think.

if there is someone that i feel so strongly about, but no one else seems to see it, perhaps it's just me.

i'm thinking that this is something i'll just have to let rest.

how do you act kindly to someone and be consistently nice, polite, even friendly, without being fake?

actually, i know what i need to do.

the only thing that ever heals emotions and quiets a restless dislike is prayer.

the Bible says to pray for your enemies and those who persecute you.

i'm sure those who annoy you fall into the same category.

i'll try to be a better person and pray for this situation before it escalates from what it is to some kind of raging hatred.

feuds and taking sides are so immature and have no place in my life, personal or professional.

i'll work on it.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

not a child

i am truly not a child. as much as people assume i'm 18 or 19, i really am not. in fact, on my birthday on saturday i will be 24. now i realize that a lot of people would scoff at that and tell me i'm still a baby and on and on and on. and that's fine. i like being young. i realize i'm not but i'm starting to feel old. sometimes i miss being a child. i miss not having to think about major life issues, no bills, no rent. not having to work. being able to just be and no one had a problem with it. i still like it when my dad gives me big, long hugs that make me feel like a kid that he can protect from anything. i like it when he helps me change my oil or figure out what's wrong with my car or when he swoops to my rescue when i'm desperate and everyone i thought i could count on bails on me. i like it when my gramma and grampa hug me tightly and my grampa calls me "sis." and even though he's getting older, he'll insist on lifting something heavy for me. i like it when my gramma fusses over me, making sure i'm not hungry, that i don't need anything. i even like it when the good ol' boy type guys i work(ed) with call me kiddo or my dear or darlin' or whatever.

h o w e v e r. i do NOT like to be treated like a child by someone who is my peer. someone who is in ABSOLUTELY no way, shape or form in charge of me. i do not like being talked down to in such a transparent way that it's hard for my reaction to be anything other than a blank stare. i mean, looking out for someone is one thing, but speaking to a person who is not your subordinate as if you were their first grade teacher is absolutely disrespectful and insulting. thinly veiled contempt and an obvious superiority complex are not something i can easily tolerate.

i don't know. maybe it's really poorly expressed insecurity. i doubt it.

if i were someone who enjoyed drama and being in the middle of it i would say this and more to someones' face.

unfortunately, i am not. i am someone who will blog about this anonymously in hopes that it will be a cathartic experience and i will feel better. better enough not to punch anyone.