Wednesday, December 8, 2010


Is it so wrong to just want to be rescued?

I'm feeling a little down lately. Nothing too dramatic I guess. We all go through ups and downs in life, I guess I'm just on a bit of a downswing lately.

I don't really like it though. I don't like snapping off the radio because all the stations are just playing peppy songs that are annoying me or searching for the one awesome, slightly depressing song that I just want to listen to over and over again.

I don't really have anything to say.


Tuesday, November 30, 2010


There's the boy I like, and the boy who likes me.

If only they were the same person.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

It Bugs

I'm pretty sure I totally know what's bugging me now.

The bad thing is, it's me. So I can't exactly get away from it.

The good thing is, it's me. So I can totally work on fixing it.

I'm annoyed at my own stupid self and my own stupid attitudes and my own stupid tendencies.

Like I said, the nice thing about that, is that I can change me. It's about the only thing I can change ... so I best get to it.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

The Funk That I Am In

I'm feeling this weird hostility toward going to work tomorrow. I can't figure out why exactly. I mean, I have some ideas, but even those don't really make a lot of sense.

If you break it down piece by piece, I love going to work. I love most of the people there, I love the work itself most of the time, I like the setting we're in, I like getting off work at a decent time. I even like the commute okay. But I'm just feeling this overall resentment toward it. It's not the specific person I have distaste for. I'm used to that and, although she's extra kinds of crazy lately, I don't let that keep me up at night.

It could be carryover feelings from my other job. I KNOW I'm feeling resentment toward that. I feel like I maybe want to quit, but maybe I'll take a leave of absence first. Some time away from it might help. I don't know if those feelings are just tainting the way I feel in general, or if there's really something specific out there that's bugging me.

Such a useless post. Not solving or furthering anything. I may delete it.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Spanky New!

This is the first official update from my spanky new laptop! Woohoo!

I'm sitting in my peaceful preschool class, eight little angels sleeping on mats scattered around on the floor. Quiet piano music coming from the CD player, the sounds of the class next door fading as they head out to play in the gym; leaving behind only the sound of soft little snores and pages of textbooks turning as the teachers study.

This is a great time of day. Especially on this particular day. After a long morning of eight two-year-olds acting up, fighting, talking back and even swearing at you, it's nice to watch them slumber so peacefully and remember that they're just poor little babies, formed into their sometimes monstrous personalities partly by the circumstances and raising.

I truly truly love my job. As with any job, there are small things to complain about. Crazy coworkers, confusing personalities, the occasional 12 hour day and filthy children pawing at you. But those are really so minute compared with how much about it is amazing. Watching children grow and learn, seeing their faces light up when they finally accomplish something they've been trying over and over to do. Hearing from parents how much they've seen their child grow and change since they started coming to school, the sense of pride when you help a child do something in just the right way so that they actually understand and feel their own sense of pride about it too.

I'm so blessed to do this for a living. At this exact moment a year ago, I would never in a million years have guessed that this would be where I am now. I'm so thankful to my dear sweet friend for making it happen. I mean, she didn't do it on her own, I had to try to live up to her hype, but without her, it never would have happened. Thank you my sweet friend. I hope your week has been good. :)

Tuesday, October 5, 2010


I should never have stopped writing. Churning out a paper or a blog entry used to be a breeze for me. Now it's such a struggle. My writing has become redundant and stagnant. There is no easy flow to the subject matter or continuity of theme. It's just a jumble of my stream of consciousness. Like my thoughts. I've been stuck in my own head for too long. I've been ruminating on my own selfish and obnoxious thoughts and the dead ends those all lead to.

Writing is an outlet. It's an exercise, stretching and strengthening the muscles of my brain that are supposedly good at this kind of thing. Even now, this stupid, meaningless blog entry is stilted and lacking. It's not coming naturally like it used to.

Like anything else, I guess it just requires exercise. So here is my first rep.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Love(ing) Life

I love my job.

I love my new Gretta.

I love the kids I get to work with.

I love the people I get to work with. Even the odd ones ...

I love my commute - so much better with a carpool buddy, but not awful alone either.

I love my summer.

I love my family.

I love my friends.

I love the sun.

I love my life. :)

Saturday, May 22, 2010

It's Always Too Long

I never post blogs anymore. I'm sorry about that. I really enjoy blogging actually. I think the problem is just that I don't sit at a desk all day anymore. Well, that's no kind of problem, but still.

Basically things are really good. I love my job, I really like the people I work with on the whole, I'm really happy with the progress I'm making financially, I'm feeling pretty stable. Some things are still not quite as I'd like them to be, but it will come in time I'm sure.

That paragraph had a lot of "I" in it. That's something I'm trying to work on. I get so wrapped up in my own mind and my own inner workings that I sometimes lose sight of the world around me. I try not to, and am usually successful, but every once in a while I realize that I'm motoring a hundred miles a minute all about me. I need to think about and pray about other people, not just my own needs and situations.

Today I sat out and enjoyed the sunshine for a while. I didn't intend to, but I totally sunburned myself. Being the preacher of SPF that I am to anyone who will listen, and some who won't, I'm so mad at myself for it! It was nice though, feeling the sun warming my skin. It makes me excited to be on vacation somewhere that I can hop up and jump into a body of water to cool off when it gets too hot.

I suppose I'll wrap up this boring post. I'll try to post something more interesting, more often.

Toodles. :)

Thursday, April 22, 2010


I had a few moments to kill here, waiting for this evening to begin. I realized it's been a while since I've been able to write. Reading over my last few posts, posts that were surely all made while I was at work at my old job, I've gotten lots of happy warm&fuzzy feelings. Reliving that time, the time when I was still reeeeallllly hoping for a new job and the time when I knew one was waiting for me and was gripped in a little fear of the unknown, reliving that was really really good.

It just reinforced how freaking happy I am here. When the biggest thing I have to complain about (because that's always the first thing we must do, right? Pull out the negative first and focus on it? That's something I need to work on.) is so minor that it only bothers me intermittently and not even every day ... that's a good freaking deal. Reading things I wrote about being berated and yelled at and belittled, knowing exactly how I felt writing it moments after it happened, or sometimes even as it was happening ... made me so so so happy. Happy to be free. Happy to be picking playdough out of my flip flops and flung food out of my hair. Happy to be here.

My serious, deep appreciation for this new path God has put me on and the people He put in my life that brought me here (ahem, Kristina. :) ) has been reeeenewed! I don't even mind that I'm going to be here over 12 hours today! Not a bit. I'll happily spend 12 hours here, in place of six day weeks of varying hours in a small space with unhappy, unfriendly, unkind, unhealthy people.

Happy day!!!

(P.S. I promise I'm not medicated. Although, full disclosure: I did just have a cookie. It could have been laced.)

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

On The Other Hand ...

On the heels of that last blog post, I must also say this: as many things as I've found out in my last days here that are negative, I think even more overwhelming is all the kind and positive things that have come to light. There have been people who I considered "work friends" but not much more than that, who have every day since I gave notice, lamented, "Whyyyyy?? Why does it have to be you leaving? Whyyyyyyyy?!" which, obviously, feels pretty good. And people who have tried to convince me to stay just a little longer. One more day, maybe the weekend? And people who have gone around, "behind my back" so to speak, talking about how good I am at my job and how much I'll be missed.

All of those things simultaneously make me sad about leaving, and happy. I'm happy to be leaving on a high note. I'm happy that people will, for the most part, look back on my time here as a beneficial time and not a time that they endured and made it through.

I'm glad I've made friends here. I'm glad that I'll feel comfortable coming back for a visit from time to time or to have lunch if that's ever possible.

I know life will move on without me and I know some of the niceties are just standard platitudes, but I know some of them are genuine and heartfelt, and that means a lot.

Monday, March 8, 2010

When The Truth Comes Out

It's interesting, being in my last week at work. As bittersweet as the moments are, there are things to make it more bearable. Things to focus on to make it less bitter and much much more sweet.

One such thing is finding out who the pretenders are. Who really had your back all along and who, for whatever reason, faked it. Maybe they faked it because they perceived that I had some sort of "connections"? Or because of someone they really do like who liked me? Or because they just want everyone to think they're super swell and never have a cross thought about them?

Whatever the excuse, I think fake two-facedness is despicable and a complete deal breaker. I am nice to people. I'm nice to some people that I don't really care for. Because it's rude otherwise. Out and out telling people how much you can't stand them is rude and hurtful and unnecessary. So there is a certain amount of niceness out of plain old common courtesy. Sometimes I try to give people another chance. Maybe I judged to quickly, so I give them a chance to be someone I genuinely like.

But there is a huge difference between the social grace that is being polite to someone you may not really care for, and buttering someone up before turning around and saying hateful slanderous things about them to other people.

If I focus on those people, those situations, it makes leaving easier. I'm aware that in every single workplace there are people like this. I don't delude myself into thinking that a new job will offer all kind souls where everyone gets along and nobody fights and there's always sunshine and rainbows and butterflies. There may even be people worse than what I've had here. But that's for me to discover. Here, I already know the nasty hateful people and it gets harder and harder to be outwardly polite to them the more I find out about all they've had to say about me.

So here's to you, you Harry Potter suck head. I hope more people see through you to the b*tchy little girl that lives inside you.

Thursday, March 4, 2010


I am so so SO thrilled to have a new job. SO THRILLED.

Every time something pings as a sadness moment about leaving this job, I have to have a few categorized responses to counteract it. Sad about this person you'll miss seeing on a daily basis? But just think, you NEVER have to see this person or this one again if you don't want to! Sad about missing out on this fun aspect of your job? But just think, you'll never have to do this or this or THIS again!

That might have been a nonsense paragraph. I can't be sure. My brain has pretty much shut off these last couple of days. The point is this: although it is bittersweet at moments, I am thoroughly stoked to start my new job. Any people at this one that I'm going to miss, I'm just going to have to go out of my way to stay in contact with.

In other news, my friend Keegan's web design company Terablock is amazing. (They also do site security. Seriously, the most badass IT guy I know.) If you have need for a slick, super functional, gorgeous, smart looking website, check him out.

Well, I guess that's it for this random, left field post.

Thursday, February 18, 2010


Occasionally I like to scroll back through my blog posts and remind myself of where I was.

This is useful to me in that, sometimes, I find myself reading something that describes the way I'm feeling at that moment with incredible accuracy. Ideally, that shouldn't be the case. I shouldn't blog about how I'm feeling, how I plan to change it and then in months ahead, find that I've circled back to where I started.

Other times, I read something and I think, 'Wow, how freaking happy am I that that's not me anymore?'

Today I realized that it's been well over three months since I started toying with the idea of pursuing a different career. I mean, I guess I've always kind of got that in mind, but the beginning of November is when I actually started the process of mentally letting go of this place and sincerely hoping that it might be time to move on soon.

When I read that entry in November about how fearful I am of change and how much guilt I attach to things that definitely don't need it, I felt so blessed to realize how far I've come. I really think that I've actually always craved change. It's just easier to be afraid of it and hold it at arm's length. Today is a big day in the realm of change and I am so incredibly excited about the possibilities! Even if it doesn't pan out for whatever reason, I am so ready for the next step. And, although I feel the occasional pang of guilt here and there, I think I've done a good job in stepping out of that unhealthy pool. I will not feel guilty for trying to make my life better, as long as I'm not stomping on people's heads to do it.

I'm letting God have full control this afternoon. I try to do that all times of all days, but I'm especially focused on it today. I know if this is where God means for me to go, the path will be laid out. I'm so freaking excited to see if that's the case.

Here goes nothing!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Waiting On The Phone To Ring

Today has not been awesome. It's been an awesome motivator to get the heck out of dodge, but that's about it in the awesome realm.

It's really draining and exhausting to have to defend myself to my boss all the time. And it's really stressful to be accused of and blamed for mistakes that really have nothing to do with me. I don't have any problem owning up to it when I drop the ball. I mean, obviously it's not fun to admit you were wrong, but I can handle it. What I don't like is having to prove that I wasn't wrong all the time. I don't work in an environment where I should have to justify and prove my work all the time. I'm reporting data that others collect. If the data is incorrect, I don't think that's my fault. I'll happily fix it if you'd like, but shouting at me and berating me about "why can't I ever get it right" ... is entirely inappropriate behavior.

Why is it only Tuesday?

Monday, February 8, 2010


i'm so annoyed that i'm sick right now. it's my own stupid fault, that's the worst part. i was thinking it's gotten to the point where i should make a doctor's appointment, but today i saw the nurse at work. although she said my throat ... well, i'll spare you the details and just say it looked disgusting. but no white spots to indicate strep. she recommended frequent salt water gargling and i may be able to kick it. so here i sit, watching my favorite Monday night shows ... How I Met Your Mother, Accidentally On Purpose (while flipping to House during commercials), Two & a Half Men and Big Bang Theory ... while intermittently going to the kitchen to heat my salt water back up and gargle.

maybe it's psychological, but my throat already feels a wee bit better.

and Two & a Half men is turning out to be very melancholy. here's looking to Sheldon on Big Bang Theory to perk things back up.

although this is probably a lame Monday night, i find it peaceful and relaxing. and quiet. sooo nice and quiet.

finally: today a psychic told me that something will happen by or in September. i guess we've got t-minus seven months to see if she's a quack. (which, i'll be honest, i presume she will be.)

that is all. please enjoy your Monday night.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010


do you ever get a pimple on your face that's so huge it's like a new friend? a painful, seen all day in your peripheral vision, eyesore of a friend?


well, my new friend jimmy and i pity you and your lack of relationships in life.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010


i love when my devotion is intended specifically for me and it speaks straight to my heart.
an excerpt: (emphasis added by me.)


"For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control."
2 Timothy 1:7

Healthy fear warns us of danger and prepares us to react appropriately. However, the type of fear referred to in this verse is an unhealthy fear. It gets in the way of what our heavenly Father has already given us: His power, His love and His self-control.

Unhealthy fear overwhelms us with doubt and insecurity; it drains our spiritual life and physical strength. It steals God's peace from our hearts, and robs us of joy in our daily lives. It causes us to become stagnant; unable to move ahead with the things God has planned for us. It's important to remember that unhealthy, paralyzing, controlling fear is not from God. It is one weapon our enemy Satan uses to interrupt, discourage and destroy our relationship with our heavenly Father.

Are you living with unhealthy fear? Are you ready to replace it with the courageous and confident hope that's found in trusting God alone? By placing our hope in God and not in our circumstances, we're able to alleviate unhealthy fear. With God, we can face any giant in our path with confidence.


confidence. not something i excel in. and how many times have i complained that i feel my life becoming stagnant, never moving forward?

my basic conclusion is this: insecurity is a manifestation of fear. fear (unhealthy) comes from Satan. God provides perfect peace.

i struggle with insecurity so much, i don't even really consider it a struggle. it's just a part of living, part of humanity, part of being a girl. it can be crippling, paralyzing. i am so often encouraged in things, for example, singing. there are so many people who compliment my voice, encourage me to sing more, without fear. and yet, all i ever hear is my own internal monologue reminding me of that one guy who made a cringe-type face while i was singing that one time or the solos that went to someone else.

i want to live without this handicap. i obviously can't do it myself, but if i can embrace the peace that God has for me, i think i can overcome it. i need to remember to ask Him to fill me with serenity when i find myself in these petrifying situations. because if His peace is filling me, where would the fear fit?