Sunday, August 30, 2009

i can't wrap my head around bi-polar disorder

it never ceases to amaze me. it's like Jekyll and Hyde. you never know who you're going to get.

the same exact conversation could be two completely different scenarios. all depending on who you're talking to.

it's devastating and heartbreaking and spirit crushing. it's like a punch to the gut, all the wind and life knocked right out of you. it makes you second guess who you are and doubt your worth. you are meaningless.

and you know what? this won't help. in fact, it will probably make it worse.

but it helps me. it helps me later when i read this and remember. remember not to forget how it feels.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

and so it goes

my sister and my baby nephew are in town visiting for a couple of weeks and, as such, i have been more than slightly preoccupied. i spend all my time at work or at home, thinking that i should be spending as much time as possible with them because soon, they'll be gone again.

well, in reality, it's not as bad this time as last time they were here because this time i'll be going back with them. i'm excited to travel somewhere new and to see where they'll be living but i can't say that i'm thrilled at the prospect of sweating it out in texas. muhng.

i really do thrive on travel though. i didn't really have the opportunity to travel much when i was younger, as being part of a family of seven tends to limits those options.

but in my advancing age, i find myself passing the time based on the next time i get to go somewhere or do something. ever since i went to visit my sister in missouri last may, it's like, where should i go next? and when will i be able to afford to go?

the affording part is a pretty major factor. so i invest a lot of effort into getting that "vacation feeling" out of the little things. a day or two at the beach here, a friday afternoon off (usually just for a doctor's appointment or something) to lengthen the weekend there ... holiday weekends are the best. well, the only downside really is that by the time the next workday rolls around, i've had plenty of time to really dive deep into that vacation brain and returning to my desk and my lovely computer monitor is that much harder.

perhaps i need a job that will require me to travel. when i was in high school, i toyed with the idea of being a flight attendant. i don't know if that's really the ideal career path for me, but i like the idea of what kind of opportunities it would afford me.

the trouble comes in this: i am a coward. i have big dreams, big ideas, sometimes even big plans, and then, somehow, they just don't happen. i can't say that i've ever regretted something i've taken a chance on, but i so rarely take that chance.

what to do? keep trucking it out at my current job, be the best darn team coordinator i can be? apply for that inventory position in a different area and learn a whole new language of plant names, item numbers, bloom times, standard sizes and lot availability? move far away and try to start something completely new? quit my job and live slash sell bootlegged movies out of my car? (perhaps i'm being dramatic.)

inevitably it always comes back to that one basic fact. i am a coward. i will not pursue anything that is too scary or risky. i won't take that step, that leap. of faith. faith.

i'm missing something key here. i can feel it.

what have i missed out on so far in this life due to my cowardice? what will i miss out on in the future? what am i missing out on right now?

i can't say. i can't even venture a guess. because it hurts too badly.

but maybe that's what life should be. painful growth to achieve betterment. (betterment is a word. i know, because i just invented it.)

okay. i'm going to think about this. i'll keep you updated.

(ha! spellcheck says "betterment" is already a word. i'm smarter than i know! :) )

Thursday, August 20, 2009

forwarded to me by a girl at work ...

i found this to be surprisingly true. (sorry, it's a tad crude at moments.)


Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’

‘It was Bob the next door neighbor,’ she replies.

‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’

‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk. ‘I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’

Puff! She’s gone.

‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.’

Puff! He’s gone.

‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch.’

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, ‘Can I also sit like you and do nothing?’

The eagle answered: ‘Sure, why not.’

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree’ sighed the turkey, ‘but I haven’t got the energy.’

‘Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’ replied the bull. They’re packed with nutrients.’

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull Sh*t might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your

(3) And when you’re in deep sh*t, it’s best to keep
your mouth shut!

Monday, August 17, 2009

twitter killed the blogspot star

obviously, i am not the blogspot star. but twitter, instant messaging and texting are killing my writing abilities.

i'm pretty awesome at coming up with one liners, an observational quip, a snappy comeback. but whenever i sit down to write a real blog, as soon as i get to right about ... here. everything i've written so far seems contrite and boring.

don't give up on me. i still have things to say. i'll work on getting better.

p.s. - i liked this better the first time i wrote it, but blogspot chose to delete it. this is also not helping my blogging aspirations.

Monday, August 3, 2009

loosening the death grip

see Krissy? it's funny you should have written about that ...

last night i was alone at my house. which tends to lead to staying up too late reading, doing nothing, intending to do something valuable. which invariably leads to the air conditioner creaking repeatedly and me repeatedly thinking it must have been something other than the air conditioner and where is a dog to sound the barking alarm when i need one?

SO, it also leads to a lot of prayer. mostly prayer for my sanity to return and stop letting my imagination scare me. but being alone afforded the opportunity for prayer out loud. prayer that feels more like a conversation. quiet spaces where solutions and suggestions and gentle (or stern if they're more in my own voice) rebuffs materialize in my thoughts. i guess i could be the only one who does this. (i guess, for that matter, i could be certifiable.) but i find it calming.

the overall resulting feeling of my late night conversation was one of peace and reassurance. i know that God hasn't forsaken me. He hasn't forgotten about my dreams and desires and hopes and wishes. i really think that He's just been waiting. waiting for me to let go, and stop trying to force my will. it's not about my will. and the longer i try to make it so, the farther i'll get from what i want. what i believe is wanted for me.

the trust fall is perhaps the hardest thing i remember having to do as a kid. i barely trust myself to keep me on two feet ... you want me to just tumble willy nilly into the arms of kids who are friends at best, distasteful brats at worst? and TRUST that they'll support me from cracking my head on a rock and being the first kid to die at the ropes course? are you DELUSIONAL?! but i did it.

if i was willing to make such a blatant physical statement of trust and faith in a bunch of snotty fifth grade kids, what's holding me back from falling into the arms of the only One i know will truly never let me down? what has happened in my life so far that would prove that i know better? or that He can't be trusted?

so i'm prying my fingers loose from their steely grip on control (how laughable. as if i've ever had control of anything.) and trying to relax. trying to float gently down into the only place that really is worthy of faith. i believe He'll take care of it all. and now i'm actually going to live that.

to-do list (3)

i feel like the list is a cop out post because it's a simple copy, paste, plug in html codes as needed post. so i won't say that it counts.

- call PL
- call tx
- call Gail
- clean S
- dd Si6
- buy porch bed
- buy filter
- gift for mk
- gift for db
- gift for ant.j
- gift for cc
- gift for al
(gifts are going to kill me!)
- PO box
- library
- dr. appt.
- dr. foltz
- buy brushes
- call c to suspend!
- go IN to c to suspend (urg)
- set up appt. @ Paul Mitchell (for 9)

first of all, i'm leaving the crossed out things on so that i feel like i'm actually getting something accomplished. getting to cross things off of to-do lists is often one of the major reasons i do them.

second, the nice thing about this list is that as i'm preparing to re-post it, i'll see something and think, 'you know, that's one more thing i could cross off if i just pick up the phone right now.' and then i do it. so it's forcing my hand! yay! the whole point!