Friday, February 27, 2009

walk by faith

i was reading through some past entries recently and i read this entry that i posted last june. i was thinking about making some big decisions and was really convicted by my devotion that day and even a friends' devotion.

as i was re-reading that entry and those surrounding it, it startled me what a similar situation i'm in now. especially after reading my own words of determination ... what happened? i let the time pass me by and allowed myself to slip again into the lull of normality. i just let life keep going without me. and here i am again, trying to implement my one year plan. trying to make changes. more determined than ever to go through with it all. reading that past entry has just encouraged me more i think because i can see the passion in my own words. yet i know the aftermath, i let that fire extinguish. knowing that, i'm going to do whatever i can to keep this one blazing to fruition.

my devotion today was titled "courageous living" ...

"How many times have you wanted to do something, plan something, or even dare to dream something, but were too afraid? You know deep within that your torment isn't right. You know you're missing out on life and opportunities, but you're too scared to do anything about it.

Those of us who live with anxiety are living below the mark of what we were created to be. Worry and its accompanying emotions are not and never were part of God's plan for His children."

thanks for the reminder God. i need a little ... well, maybe a big ... kick start once in a while.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

drugs are my anti-drug

so, i thought i was getting better. i was feeling pretty fabulous for a couple of days. my medicine started to dwindle so i figured i wouldn't take it every four hours as recommended, just to make it last a little longer. well, i quickly found out that i haven't been getting any better. i'm just the same. if not worse. but the drugs were getting me through. fooling me into being happy because i felt well-ish.

last night i took nyquil. not a lot more than the recommended dosage. like, a centimeter above the line. i slept like a baby. it was great. unfortunately, i somehow got the original flavor instead of cherry. apparently i've never had the original flavor before. it's like minty black licorice. yikes.

i bought more of what i had run out of and now i'm almost out again. i'm tired of feeling crappy and people holding up their fingers at me in an X when i come near them. i want to be able to tell people, "shut-up! i'm on antibiotics, i'm not contagious, i'll be better soon!" but i can't. i just have to look at them pathetically and tell them they're mean.

and if they truly are mean people, then they get an act of biological terrorism. i think it's already worked on one person.

i might be evil.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

and the countdown continues

just when i think things are settling down a bit and i'm feeling less like i wish i could fast forward the next few months, something new happens to make me grateful for a number on the countdown.

today i was actually called rude because i was asked at the last minute to step in for someone who's plate is beyond full and help them out. the rude part came in because stepping in for this person caused me to miss a normal weekly duty for someone else. (i completely forgot what day it was and was actually rushing to apologize when i was told how rude i was)

you know, my boss has actually tried on multiple occasions to stop allowing me to perform this once weekly duty. but i felt badly for the other people involved and fought for continuing it. it's not exactly an incredibly rewarding task. as a matter of fact, most of the time it's downright annoying and intrusive on my own schedule. and quite frequently it's a very demanding task (as in, i really need you to come do it immediately, this second or the world will end) and never much appreciated.

and this is the thanks i get? a bitchy attitude and a reprimand for the one time i missed it? (to help someone else no less. AND, it's not like it didn't get done. someone else just had to come do it.)

whatever. 340.

Monday, February 23, 2009

oregon days

these are the kind of days that make people say i'm crazy for liking oregon.

the sky will suddenly darken dramatically. the raindrops start pattering on the roof. the sound grows louder and faster until the individual drops meld into a steady roar. the sky seemingly splits open and allows an angry torrent of water to come crashing out.

a few moments later, the intensity lessens gradually until only a few gentle drops are splattering here and there. and then it is still. the clouds seem to thin, the color lightening not quite to sunshine but a veiled version of it.

this cycle continues all day. maybe in late afternoon, a hole will break into the clouds. clear blue sky framed by a thick whiteish grey. a moment of true sunlight.

just as quickly as it appeared, the hole is swallowed up by the canopy again.

there is just something incredibly soothing about days like today.

Friday, February 20, 2009


i have a countdown. i don't know if it will actually end up being accurate. it signifies a few different things.

one of them is being debt free. i'm really hoping it'll be accurate for that one. i'm working on it and i have some good help. and, realistically, i don't really have that much consumer debt compared to a lot of people. but it's still too much. and i don't make nearly enough money to just throw it away every month.

another thing is simple freedom. from what shall remain ambiguous. but the countdown is really only necessary because of this other thing. if there were any way to be free of it that didn't require a countdown, i would be ON it! but unfortunately, i don't think there is.

the countdown gets me through the rough days.

lately there have been a lot.

i do hold out hope though that it will ease up in the coming days. that hope gets me through too.

attn: dept. of homeland security ... this is a joke. (sort of)

so, do you think if i'm sick and i knowingly breathe all over slash sneeze on someone else's things - someone i don't like and with the sole intention of infecting them - does that make me a biological terrorist or something?

i hope not. because it seems like it's something that would REALLY make me feel better.

i'm tired of crying at work. i blame the illness.

sometimes people don't report harassment due to fear of retaliation. well, is there a name for it when you don't want to leave work (fever, hacking cough and an entire box worth of tissues in a sopping pile in the trash bin notwithstanding) even though you're sick because you know your boss will hold it against you? i mean, maybe he can't legally tell you you have to work through your sickness, but you know it will affect you negatively? is there a label for that? besides douchebag i mean.

sorry. i blame the illness for lashing out like that.

i feel all shaky and achy and a little dizzy. i just want my pillow and my mom and some medicine. and maybe some chicken noodle soup.

okay. whine officially over.

sorry for whining. i blame the illness.

ridiculously ill

i don't know if i have what's been "going around" or something altogether separate ... but i am miserable. if i list off my symptoms i feel like a nyquil ad. sniffly nose, cough, fever, achiness, sneezing fits and general disgustingness. everyone at work who's had this - if it's the same thing - has ended up missing a couple of days and had wonky sinus infections. and with how i feel, i would normally have NO problem staying home to recover.

however, i have far too much to do to miss work. yesterday afternoon around one i had gotten everything that i really could done for the day and i was feeling exponentially worse. plus all the people who generally need things from me were going to be in a meeting all afternoon. so i asked my boss if he would mind if i went to the doctor. his response was to ask me if i got this stuff done and did i ask this girl why she sent us the wrong numbers and then a long speech about why this girl is sending us the wrong numbers and maybe you should just call her over here and show her what we're talking about and now i'm going to the meeting.


i actually put my head on my desk and cried. (see? that's not a thing the normal, healthy me would do.) so i called the girl over, we worked some stuff out and then i was literally sagging over my desk so i just went home and went to bed. and i slept all the way until this morning. and i feel no better. a little worse actually. maybe i should call the doctor today. i wonder if they'd see me after 5pm ...

Wednesday, February 11, 2009


tonight, i was introduced to the. best. wine. EVER.

no joke. i mean, i had two glasses with dinner at dana's, then we went and bought a bottle and brought it home and i had about 3 more glasses. not like, wine glasses, like big glasses. it tastes like candy and the big bottle was like, 7 dollars. frickin awesome.

this was definitely the way to cap off a mediocre day. yay for pseudo alcoholism. :]

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

i love this freakin website

this made me laugh soooo hard because it is totally a scenario i have found myself in at work.

ahhh, the humor.

Monday, February 9, 2009


typically, mondays tend to be regarded as the awful day that not only brings the fact that your weekend is over screeching to the forefront, but also kicks off the work week and is the farthest day from next weekend.

however, i like mondays. mondays are a peaceful kind of day for me. i spend my morning at work in a meeting that i only kind of understand - this is relaxing in a way because my mind can wander and i can sort through things weighing on me, but it's also a little stressful to hear my name mixed into a whole lot of other things, not knowing exactly what's being said about me. but mostly it's relaxing. then, for almost every minute of the day beyond that, my boss is in other meetings. i'm free to go about my tasks without anyone over my shoulder or any additional demands on my attention. i just spend the day feeling so much more at ease.

plus, on monday nights i don't have any pressing engagements so it is a self pampering evening. a nice long bath with a book, fingers and toes painted, exfoliation, it's fabulous. and i watch indulgent, silly shows and hit my pillow at a decent time.

so now what to do about wednesdays ... ?