puh puh puh poker face, puh puh poker face

okay. i admit, that song is growing on me.

so, i've actually had multiple conversations recently about the fact that apparently, i have no poker face. one friend told me that i can't keep my emotions from showing on my face, another told me that if i dislike someone, it's pretty obvious. she said i'm not mean to them or anything, but that i'm generally warm to people, so when i'm dealing with someone i don't care for, it shows in a lack of that warmth.

i can't decide if this is a good thing or not. i mean, i guess in some aspects it's good. it means i'm typically not ever fake with people and that i'm pretty easy to read. but do i want to be easy to read? i tend to think not.

i like having an expressive face. i can usually communicate something to a perceptive person with minimal effort. but i think being able to mask the emotions i'm feeling is just as valuable a tool. perhaps even more so.

i'm pretty sure i used to have a poker face. i'm not sure when i lost it. or maybe, i was just blessed enough to never have encountered people in my life that i felt so strongly about that i couldn't hide it. or maybe, as one friend put it, i just have a lower tolerance for b.s. now.

every time i think, 'okay, i'm going to teach myself to be more neutral. i can make it so that he won't even know i don't like him.' i get a little disgusted with myself. how terrible would i feel if i found out that someone i genuinely thought liked me, actually didn't? so maybe the key is to never let them find out. i guess it comes down to whether it's more important to be "real" with people or to be universally kind.

i'm pretty sure the answer is universally kind.

hmmmm ... this will take some practice.