i made my cell phone depressed

my cell phone is inherently optimistic. i text using the predictive text function and when i enter "1, 1" for an emoticon face, it is always a smiley face first. i have to push "next" once to get it to be a frowny face or more times for something else, like a winking face or a kissy face, etc.

apparently, i changed it to the frowny face so many times that now, it gives me the frowny face first. my phone was happy by default and i took that away.

so what was i always needing a frowny face for? what's so bad about my life that my text messages always needed frowny faces? i can't figure that out. i think i've been in a funk lately where nothing has seemed good. i don't know if the solution to that is moving far away, moving somewhere new in town, going to school, becoming a nanny, getting my hair cut ... i just don't know yet.

this is what i do know.

• something has to change. something has to be different. my life is not meant to be this stagnant thing, sitting still, gathering dust. and that's what i've let it become.


• i know that God has a better plan than that for me and i am trying to be quiet and listen for His solution. i know He is trying to tell me something, i just need to shut up long enough to hear it.

that is not a very long list of "what i know" ... that should tell me something right there ...

conviction

thank you God for being persistent with bull-headed me. i don't know why you have the patience for me, i barely do.

i've been completely stressing about this whole thing. i hate the thought of leaving security and sure-ness. i've been talking out the details with myself, my friends, my family, my hairdresser ... practically anyone who will listen. i've made myself sick thinking about it. i've prayed for guidance. "God, just make it clear what you want me to do so i don't have to worry anymore. please help me."

today, my daily e-mail devotional was about walking by faith.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
Hebrews 11:1

it talked about stepping out of what is comfortable and into an adventure of obedience and discovery of God's trustworthiness. and walking by faith and not by sight. i think in reading that devotional, it was the first time i saw that phrase visually. i have sung those words in countless songs, "i will walk by faith and not by sight," and yet it was only today and i truly grasped it. i imagined being blindfolded and led around unfamiliar terrain. i don't know if i would trust my own sister to do that. i would be peeking out of the blindfold. it finally hit me that God has a plan for my life and, no matter how many times i've said those words, "God has a plan for my life," i've never really put myself out there, made myself vulnerable to that plan. i've just puttered along in my own version of what i figured was what God wanted.

then, i got an e-mail from my friend Jessica, who is also my boss at the church. she forwarded her daily devotional and talked about how moved and humbled she was by it. the devotion was about words carved into a wall in a concentration camp.

I believe in the sun, even when it doesn't shine.
I believe in love, even when it isn't shown.
I believe in God, even when He doesn't speak.

it went on about how the man who could carve out those words in the situation he was in was obviously a man of strong faith. and she followed with her own account of how God stretches her byond her comfort zone and how much better she feels when she stops worrying about things and lays them at God's feet. how we are called to walk by faith and not by sight and to trust an unseen God.

okay God, i hear you. i can't guarantee that i won't be stupid and get all wrapped up in my head again, but i thank you that you won't give up on me even if i do. please help me to have faith in you and your divine plan for my life. your will be done always, amen.

pros and cons

i'm trying to make some big decisions right now. my friend wants me to move somewhere with her. she's pretty much up for moving anywhere, but we're talking about california. this is consuming my thoughts, my dreams, my every waking moment. i hate having to make big decisions ... okay, correction: i hate making any decision. "where do you want to eat?" "oh, i don't care. where ever you want is fine." in high school, i established a rule that whoever wasn't driving had to decide where we were going, since driving required enough concentration without adding that extra effort into it. *note: i was the first of all of my friends to have my license and a car so i was always driving. this rule worked REALLY well for me. i don't even like having to decide which movie we should rent or where we should get take-out from, so needless to say, trying to decide if i should up and move out of my apartment, sell a bunch of my stuff, quit my really great job and move somewhere i've never really been before in the hopes of finding a job and an apartment and possibly going to school ... this is petrifying.

i've begun a pros and cons list. so far, it is as follows:

some things cancel each other out and are crossed out to illustrate.

CONS:
- expensive
- far from home
- scary
- can't take car
- miss various family events; birthdays, camping trips, etc.
- have to leave my job
- leave my apartment
- leave bff's
- give up thursday nights
- give up PartyLite
- give up working at church
- miss kids at church
- miss Jessica and her kids
- have to find a new job
- meet new people
- miss church services

PROS:
- something i've never done before
- meet new people
- may never have the chance to do something like this again
- there will be other camping trips and birthdays
- live somewhere new
- put myself in a position where school is an option
- i don't really love my apartment anyway
- can stay connected to bff's and Jessica and kids through myspace(although it's not the same)
- can stay connected to family, friends through phone, blog, etc.
- what is are you really gaining from thursday nights anyway?
- PartyLite will still be around whenever you come back, and it's also available down there
- can probably come back to job at church if necessary, been doing it for 6 years, time for change
- no car insurance
- if in school, no student loan payments


this is what i have so far. i'm sure i'll update with more later.

crap. i just counted and i have 8 pros and 8 cons.

:[ i hate making decisions.

proceed with caution

i've always heard, "be careful what you wish for. you just might get it."

in high school, my youth pastor cautioned us, "be careful what you pray for. if you pray for patience, you better be prepared to have your patience tested and pushed to the limit because, how else are you going to learn to be patient?"

i guess if you are going to embark on a quest to be better at life, you should be prepared for the fact that it's not going to be easy.

last night my mom and i had what started out as a "typical" fight. we've always butted heads, never quite found the right balance to get along famously. whereas, she and my next younger sister get along awesomely well. they identify with each other, they think similarly. they call each other just to chat on the phone. my mom and i have never had that kind of a relationship. usually i'll say something, she gets mad thinking i said it in some sort of mean or malicious way and snaps at me, i snap back because i don't feel like i deserve her snapping at me, she gets mad because i'm snapping at her ... and it just goes on and on and on.

last night started in much the same way, but ended quite differently than normal. i think there was actual progress made and that she might actually understand a little more of the way i feel.

and i will readily admit, she's usually right. i haven't shown my parents the respect that i should have. i'm not going to blame anyone else for that. i don't know where it comes from. i love them, i respect their opinion. i have literally told sales people and renters, etc. that i wouldn't be making any decisions until i had a chance to run it by my mom. i can be completely resolved to do something and if my mom disagrees, i won't do it. i constantly seek her approval on everything from the clothes i wear and my hair cut and color to decisions about jobs and moving and roommates. that said, there are definitely times when i know in my heart what i have to do and it disagrees with her opinion. but those times are hard.

respecting someone's opinion and seeking their approval is not the same thing as showing them respect. i don't know if i just missed that lesson in sunday school or if i just have some sort of fatal malfunction that makes me a disrespectful, horrible child.

so last night was painful. my eyes were swollen and puffy, crying gives me a migraine. i told her that i often feel like a failure at life. she assured me that was crazy because i'm so young, life has barely begun. and it ended with my mom hugging me and telling me she loves me in such a meaningful way as i can't remember the last time it happened.

i'm glad for last night. i'm glad for progress. i just wish it didn't hurt so much.

guilt

i hate getting sucked into drama and gossip. and yet, there is some perverse part of me that, in the moment, enjoys it.

rest assured, i beat myself up over it afterward.

'why are you so dumb?! every time! every time, you say you won't do it again. look at how awful you feel right now! will you please remember this next time?'

i like to think that, for the most part, i'm pretty good at not passing along gossip and not necessarily believing everything i hear about people or situations. it literally makes me feel ill when people are hissing out negative comments about other people. or when someone decides not to like one particular person and then seemingly makes it their mission to make everyone else see that person the way they do. i absolutely hate it!

so imagine how much disdain i hold for myself when i allow my sinful nature to have control and participate.

i think the worst part is how much i love it. there is some sort of perverse enjoyment in being involved. some sort of sick gratification that comes from being included, not being the one they're talking about. it's a brief thrill, as i imagine most unhealthy habits are. a quick high followed by crushing, shameful remorse.


in my effort to better myself, this is definately a priority. i know that my resolve will be tested and i pray that God gives me the strength to stand up for what i know is right, rather than simply agreeing with what is easy.

drama

why do people pretend?
why do people pretend not to like drama?
they say they hate drama.
they say they don't like overly dramatic people.
in the face of confrontation, adversity, misunderstanding, they throw their hands up declaring that 'this is all just too much drama!'
drama is negative, draining, immature.
it's good not to like drama.
it's acceptable.

and yet, these are the same people who whisper about others, roll their eyes behind someone's back before smiling to their face.
these are the same people who make snap judgements about others, talk down to them, feel superior to practically everyone they know.
they cause drama.
they fuel it once it's going.
they thrive on it, enjoy it, always want to know about it.
unless it directly involves them.
then it's quickly back to, 'drama is evil' and 'i hate drama'.

why can't people just be honest?
if you enjoy drama, fine.
you get a little kick out of it when other people get their feathers a little ruffled with each other?
great.
dont deny it because it's not socially acceptable.
just admit it and stop being such a hypocrite.
don't be afraid to identify yourself.
are you scared you won't have any friends if they all see you bared for what you really are?
yeah, i would be too.

the quest

sure i'd like to be better at life. but what does that mean exactly?

i think it means a variety of things, most of which i still have to figure out. how can you get better at something if you're not even sure what you're doing in the first place?

that's what i'm trying to figure out. i don't intend to be exceedingly philosophical or intense, unless it's wholly called for.

this will just be a place for me to put some thoughts out there, hopefully get a little feedback and more likely than not, just ramble on about nothingness.

i hope to increase my capacity to learn from the events, people, mistakes and general goings on in my life. i think it's far too easy to just live your way through life, breathing, heart pumping blood, sustaining life until it ends.

i'd prefer to live for real. to experience life and be affected and molded and changed by it. i don't want to look back at my life someday and say, "you know, i really wish i would/n't have done/said/taken a chance on that."

so, here's to reform, increased awareness and blogging.

here here!