Tuesday, November 3, 2009

moving forward

i have such a hard time with change. i think pretty much everyone does on some level or another. but i really struggle with it, to the point where i don't usually accept it until it's forced on me. even if it's obviously for the better.

i was just told today about a job that i should really probably do everything in my power to get. it's full time, 10am to 6:30pm, benefits, etc. i don't know how much it pays, but likely, it's equal to or greater than what i make now. it seems like something i could do easily, but also get to learn a lot of new stuff.

my problem comes in when i think about leaving my current job. even though i know it's likely a smart move to leave, i obviously suffer with some crazy underlying guilt issues. and the fear of change. i like my friends at work, i like eating lunch with them and knowing what's going on in their lives. i like so many people i work with. i feel like i'd be abandoning them to leave. despite glaring warning signs that i should probably jump ship.

in the end, i think i need to do what's best for me. i need to remember that it's still possible to be friends with people even if you don't see them at work every day. and that it's not my responsibility to squeak by paycheck to paycheck just because someone lays a guilt trip on me for mentioning the possibility of leaving.

i think i get the most peace knowing that my decision is in God's hands. in my experience, when i've really wanted to do something and it hasn't been right, doors have been closed. arrows have pointed me away. other times when there were things i was on the fence about or had no intention of doing at all, pieces just fell into place, like a path being laid out before me. i think that God makes it pretty obvious to me if certain things are His will or not, my job is just to stop being so thick skulled so that i might actually see it.

these next couple of weeks could get interesting.

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